it's all downhill from here...?

throwaway4372

throwaway4372

throwaway4372

Soldato
Joined
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Oxon
[reading this back it sounds like I'm gonna find a cliff and jump off it, but I'm not, just being honest to try and get helpful responses, don't worry]

[software dev approaching 40]

I had a great job for most of my career, then it came to a natural end.
I've had a few wfh jobs since, but they've all made me miserable, people are so cruel to each other.
I'd find myself sitting at my desk in the morning and feeling deeply sad and fearful before I even turn the laptop on. So yet again I quit my job, I deserve better than this.
I realised how much my professional and personal identity was tied to that initial good job.
I don't have wife/gf/friends/kids. Mum's still about but won't be forever, but if I relocate to spend time with her it would make finding jobs much harder.
I have no drive to keep rolling the dice on these terrible jobs. Seems like it's all downhill from here...

I've done well so far, mortgage paid off, good savings and investments and pension.
Just need to find a way to get through another 10-15 years of it so I can retire.
But what's the point of any of that when mum dies and I've spent no time with her, and then I'm just a guy with nobody in the world who knows I exist.

Has anyone ever felt similar and managed to turn it around, both personally and professionally does any of this ring a bell, and if so, how did you do it?

It kinda reminds me of getting bullied at school, and telling myself I just needed to tolerate x more years of school then things would get better. Seems like it doesn't actually get better lol.
 
throwaway4372 said:
Just need to find a way to get through another 10-15 years of it so I can retire.
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Have you looked at the contract market in your field?

throwaway4372 said:
I'd find myself sitting at my desk in the morning and feeling deeply sad and fearful before I even turn the laptop on.
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This makes me think that a change of career might be in order. OTOH which way does your study face? Does it face south or east? If it faces west or north you might not be getting good sunlight.

throwaway4372 said:
and then I'm just a guy with nobody in the world who knows I exist.
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At the end of the day most of us are no more than entries in the Register of Births Deaths, and Marriages.

throwaway4372 said:
[software dev approaching 40]
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Romance-wise and family-wise there's time for you yet if you are so inclined. And you've time for a new career.

Good luck and chin up!
 
I have looked at contracts before, it seemed roughly equal money so I tried to get stability of a permanent role, obvs stability is a lie so I won't rule it out this time.

Office is north-facing, all the rooms I spend daytime in are north-facing. I'll be out walking every day as I'm not working now, see if it makes a diff. Need to work the walks into the routine when I am working again, jobs just haven't backed off long enough for me to get out the door at all.
 
you can train to do something else if you are intelligent enough to learn and adapt

for example i knew one of the bosses in my local council who was basically in an office most of the time

he must have been near retirement but he is now a self employed chiropractor or something like that.
Its a totally different job anyway and he said its the best thing he ever did.
 
You’re in a great position in terms of having your mortgage paid off. That’s a lot of security. It sounds like you could do with a change of type of job, do you even need the salary of the ‘good job’?

I think quite a lot of people probably feel the way you do, but this sort of thing isn’t talked about much. I’m certainly in a similar place.
 
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What a refreshingly open and honest post throwaway4372.

I'd say you need to spend sometime thinking about what makes you happy and less about work. It's far to easy to get into a habit of orientating your life around work and not actually prioritising yourself, and ironically the better and more stable you are outside of work the more likely it is you'll find the role / job you want. Often a very strong salary are like golden handcuffs stopping you from what you might actually get out of life.

Having been through a similar thought process I'd just say here's what helped me. First it was to try and find something *outside* of work that I could find value in and help make myself feel better so even if work was lousy I could feel good about myself, for me that was all about loosing weight and getting in better shape, that all started about 4 years ago (https://forums.overclockers.co.uk/threads/big-fat-weight-loss-thread.18876570/page-21#post-34403861) and something I continue now, that led to a lot of positive impacts on my life and my career, but more importantly it allowed me to feel good about myself even if work was hard. Overtime I started to realise just how little my job was important to me and how much more enjoying life was, again ironically the more I went down that path the confidence I had and the more that lead to a better career.

Then there's the work element. All I can say is that I know if the 20 year old version of myself saw me doing roles that where making me miserable when financially I had the freedom to explore roles that would make me happy, he'd be pretty annoyed. Take some time to understand what bits of the jobs you've had you actually enjoyed and target that above the salary. Get very good at that and target that role in a high paying organisation (#nvidia haha).

Good luck, 40 isn't old, go and get the life you want and worry less about how many £'s drop in your account each month.

UL
 
I am soon to be divorced and I have moved 100 miles away from where I used to live. Thankfully I can work anywhere which is a bonus. Currently bunked up with a mate until my house completes in about 2 months. I will see my daughter every 2 weeks on average now.

I say all that because I'm going from being in a relationship for 15 years, married for 10, and being in mostly stable jobs. Now I am in a somewhat stable role but for the first time in my life, if I didn't have my job (say I lost it) I'd be all alone without a 2nd income to support. This scares the crap outta me.

However, generally speaking, I don't try to keep up with the Jones if you get what I mean, and I am really focusing on saving and being far more sensible with money on the whole. My job is required so I can do everything outside of work I may choose too do, such as doing up the house etc. It is also required whilst I upskill myself in a completely different career path which will take time.

I am 36 years old btw.

I guess what I'm failing to say is, we are all still young enough to completely change and shape our lives. 40 is not old at all. You're in a great position financially, and it just sounds like you need to find a career you're interested in more, and also find something to focus and enjoy when you're not working.

Did any of that even make sense?
 
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If you're financially secure. Do some simple work in an environment where you'll meet people. Join a temping agency and cherry pick anything that sounds exciting.
 
Stu999 said:
You’re in a great position in terms of having your mortgage paid off. That’s a lot of security. It sounds like you could do with a change of type of job, do you even need the salary of the ‘good job’?
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Good question. At the moment the goal is to retire early, so the more money the better, I still need to do the math on that to get a better grasp on what's really required. Of course the flipside of that is if the career was more pleasant it might be okay doing it a bit longer. I don't see me starting over doing something else completely different, not yet anyway, but there are different roles in dev work I could try if the struggle continues. I'm trying to at least get my NI years pushing for money as best I can, I think then I'd be in the position to retire if I wanted to, so cutting back hours or taking an easier role for a bit is an easier trade-off to make.
 
throwaway4372 said:
But what's the point of any of that when mum dies and I've spent no time with her, and then I'm just a guy with nobody in the world who knows I exist.
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This is probably a problem for more and more people these days, particularly single men. The issue is you don't have any support network you can call on in the event of difficulty, and this makes life a bit scary. It's also not an easy issue to address, because it's difficult to find people like that. If it's concerning you, then it would be good to get involved in some sort of social activity. There are lots of clubs and societies etc that will be very understanding of new members looking for social interaction, it's why they exist.

You may be able to find something on meetup.com, or look for local activity clubs in your area.

Some sort of volunteering might also help you, e.g. countryside conservation volunteers.

Don't let it get you down as you are definitely one of many that have this issue.
 
ultralaser said:
[prioritise happiness and health]
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Thanks for your comment, and the post you linked. I lost 3 stone as my good job ended, trying to prepare myself for the future positively as you describe, actually got into great shape. However the ongoing work troubles, and being during covid on top of that, gave me a bunch of feelings I responded to with food, need to lose 5 stone now.

At about 22 I got cholinergic urticaria, which basically meant I couldn't do any physical activity (just walking to the corner shop would have me on my knees in pain, think "being in a bath full of ants"). That made it easy to focus on work because I couldn't do anything else, and at the time that had to be the priority anyway to get on the housing ladder. Saying that now it's probably how I ended up being so work-focused. It's a lot better now, so currently I'm able to be active and should make the most of it. The psychological impact of it all is hard to shed though, and it'll never completely go away.
 
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I know the feeling.

I had similar back when I was 34. Was in an IT job for nearly 10 years, I was bored and miserable as it wasn't going anywhere. Decided to pack up and leave the UK. I had no commitments apart from my house back in the Midlands.

6 years later, I'm 40 years old, mortgage is paid off, I'm still working in IT and living abroad. During this time I have learnt new IT skills, an 2nd language (well, still trying!) made new friends and other personnel skills. In a way, I just needed a change of scenery. I wish I did this sooner.

As we are both the same age, you have plenty of time left to explore new things. Build a friendship circle and get some social skills otherwise you find retirement extremely lonely once your parents are gone. Sounds like you have or do spend too much time on your own. Whats the point of retiring if you have no one?

But I can give you a small tip, don't be that person who as you said "Just need to find a way to get through another 10-15 years of it so I can retire." No-ones goal in life should be to retire. Made changes now, try new things before its too late. You will wake up one morning, those 10-15 years will have flown by and you be basically waiting to die. Believe me, your body will let you know about that very fast!
 
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Smash exercise/the gym and you'll feel a load better. Like others have said you sound financially secure now so do work that makes you happy and focus on spending quality time with your mum. 70% of the population would be very envious to be mortgage free. You are 100% responsible for you're own happiness so don't expect answers elsewhere :)
 
throwaway4372 said:
Office is north-facing, all the rooms I spend daytime in are north-facing. I'll be out walking every day as I'm not working now, see if it makes a diff.
Click to expand...

Try switching rooms to one where you get good sunlight. This was an issue for me in my period of unemployment: my study faced west and so I got up in the morning and went to my study to apply for jobs so did not see any sun until the afternoon at earliest. As such I got quite depressed until I figured it out and changed.

You live in Oxford, so have you looked at the university? There must be university start-ups gagging for someone with your IT skills. and their intellectual nature will challenge you. Socially, are there any private members' clubs that might interest you?
 
throwaway4372 said:
Yeah I get your point, thanks for sharing.
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It's so hard to put into words. Chin up, you're doing great - it doesn't cut it does it? I guess we all know on some level how you're feeling. Some more than you, some less.

I think though, talking is the key. Even here on this forum. Talking it through and understanding that you don't need all the answers, and that you're not alone.
 
If you've already paid off your mortgage, you are in a fantastic position, and a much better position than the vast majority. Given this, I don't quite see why you are concerned about your financial position in retirement, as it's already looking pretty good. I understand it's not always easy to count your blessings, and knowing you are in a good position won't in itself make you feel better. However, if I were you, I would worry less about money and more about doing things you enjoy, like hobbies or travelling or whatever floats your boat, as it sounds like you are in a position to do so.
 
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throwaway4372 said:
Thanks for your comment, and the post you linked. I lost 3 stone as my good job ended, trying to prepare myself for the future positively as you describe, actually got into great shape. However the ongoing work troubles, and being during covid on top of that, gave me a bunch of feelings I responded to with food, need to lose 5 stone now.

At about 22 I got cholinergic urticaria, which basically meant I couldn't do any physical activity (just walking to the corner shop would have me on my knees in pain, think "being in a bath full of ants"). That made it easy to focus on work because I couldn't do anything else, and at the time that had to be the priority anyway to get on the housing ladder. Saying that now it's probably how I ended up being so work-focused. It's a lot better now, so currently I'm able to be active and should make the most of it. The psychological impact of it all is hard to shed though, and it'll never completely go away.
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I'm sorry to hear that throwaway4372, and I mean that, but anything outside of work that can give you a sense of achievement should help. I'd just suggest little steps towards where you want to be, and that might not be diet or exercise but anything that move you forward to any goals that you have. It does start with goals though, list a few, if life went well for the next few years what would it be that could make you say "wow these last few years have been great". It might be a new relationship, a new GPU (it's OCUK after all) or whatever it is takes to make you feel better about yourself - happy to step through how that looked for me if that helps.
 
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