Joke time again

Probably my favourite joke of all time:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich, the barman looks at him and says,
'hang on! you're a duck'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. ' Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint,
' it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub, what are you doing round
this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck, '
i'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman can't hardly believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag
and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his
sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for the next two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town, the ringmaster comes into the pub for
a pint and the barman says to him. 'You're with the circus aren't you?
well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus, he
talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous' says the ringmaster handing over his business card, 'get
him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'hey
Mister Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good
money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job' says the duck, 'where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again, 'that place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals which live in cages and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says,

'What the **** would they want with a plasterer?!'
 
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says: "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash...

...and both his legs fall off.
 
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a cow" said the cow.

"Right, and what do you do?" asked the zebra.

"I make milk for the farmer" said the cow.

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?" asked the zebra.

"I make eggs for the farmer." said the chicken.

"Right - o, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas darling, and I'll show you."
 
I don't get the Trigger one either.

Cosimo - I thought OP's joke was funnier than that, but then as nice a guy as you are, your posts are about as funny as poopoo in my peepee.
 
One of my favourite Fools and Horses episodes is Modern Men, when the lads are in the pub talking about Del and Raquels baby, Triggers says "They should name him Rodney, after Dave" has me in stitches every time.
 
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nick.lidgett said:
One of my favourite Fools and Horses episodes is Modern Men, when the lads are in the pub talking about Del and Raquels baby, Triggers says "They should name him Rodney, after Dave" has me in stitches every time.
Click to expand...

I think this is the quote you're looking for:

"Mike: What name have they decided on?

Trigger: If it's a girl they're calling it Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave!"

I agree, one of the funniest lines in the show. :)
 
Doomedspeed said:
I think this is the quote you're looking for:

"Mike: What name have they decided on?

Trigger: If it's a girl they're calling it Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave!"

I agree, one of the funniest lines in the show. :)
Click to expand...

Or..
Del: We had Denzil in goal, we had Monkey-Harris left back, we had... camaraderie.
Trigger: Was that the Italian boy?

Saw that on the Beeb's web site. Loved Trigger :)
 
A brain walks into a pub and says "Pint of bitter, please" to the bartender.

The bartender replies "I can't serve you. You're already out of your head!"


A fly is on a piece of rotting meat. Another fly lands nearby and they get chatting;

1st fly: Hello! I haven't seen you for a while.
2nd fly: Yeah, I've been on the sick.


Two atoms meet up again after being in different places for a while and get chatting;

1st atom: Hi, how are you?
2nd atom: Could be better. I've lost an electron.
1st atom: Are you sure about that?
2nd atom: Yes, I'm positive.
 
Angilion said:
Two atoms meet up again after being in different places for a while and get chatting;

1st atom: Hi, how are you?
2nd atom: Could be better. I've lost an electron.
1st atom: Are you sure about that?
2nd atom: Yes, I'm positive.
Click to expand...

Could just imagine Sheldon Cooper saying this one. And then laughing himself at the end :)
 
Another classic was Delboy & Trigger arriving at the council tip one evening to find it closed
Delboy: I thought you said the tip was open 24hrs ?
Trigger: well yes it is but not at night :p
 
My Chinese neighbour told me he had opened a crow's shop ! I said do you mean a clothes shop ? NO he replied A CROW'S SHOP ! COME ROUND AND HAVE A ROOK
 
A blonde goes to her local pet shop in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

'SEX FROGS' Only £20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1 Take a shower.
2 Splash on some nice perfume.
3 Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4 Crawl into bed and place the frog on your stomach & allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.


She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .
please call the pet shop.'

So, she calls the pet shop. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man .. . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:




LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE......MORE......TIME!!!'
 
Efour said:
I dont get the trigger joke cos i didn't like fools and horses as account of spending some of my youth in 1980s Peckham.

can somone enlighten me, you plonkers .
Click to expand...

Participant said:
I don't get the Trigger one either.
Click to expand...

A long running gag on OFAH was Trigger insisting on calling Rodney, Dave.

Hence his favourite channel is Rodney as if he called Rodney, Dave then it stands to comedic reason he would call the TV Channel Dave, Rodney.




....What's that saying about explaining a joke being like dissecting a frog?
 
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