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Joke time

Hedge

Hedge

Hedge

Soldato
Joined
18 Oct 2002
Posts
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Somewhere in the middle.
Hope this is good enough!..

The nun & the hippy


A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to a*** sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
 
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by...'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.
'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.
'Look, nothing's worth that...I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me if you know what I mean .
You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied,




'He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry '


better?
 
Can't promise funny, but haven't heard this one before:

Bill Gates dies and comes to the gates of heaven. Petrus won't let him in and sends him to hell.
There the devil himself shows Gates around. On the wall in a special room hang a lot of clocks with names on of known companys. All clocks turn at a different speed. Gates asks why that's so.
The devil answers him, "that's for every mistake in the company the clock turns around one time". Gates searches around for a while but can't find the Microsoft clock, he asks the devil for the clock. The devil says "We use it in the cellar as a fan for the eternal fire."
 
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