Joke time
- Thread starter fadetoblack
- Start date
Father O'Toole was about to deliver his Christmas Midnight Sermon at mass on Christmas eve, and the church was absolutely full to overflowing with lovely people full of Christmas cheer.
Just prior to that though, the priest in the small Irish village who loved his rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church went to feed the birds, but discovered that the **** was missing. He knew about **** fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church and he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a ****?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY ****?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Just prior to that though, the priest in the small Irish village who loved his rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church went to feed the birds, but discovered that the **** was missing. He knew about **** fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church and he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a ****?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY ****?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Soldato
- Joined
- 21 Jul 2004
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- 6,368
- Location
- Harrow, UK
Well not necessarily... the "joke" says nothing about it falling on top of you
I could be sitting in my room looking out of the window and see a snooker table falling out of a tree... it isn't going to kill me
Soldato
- Joined
- 4 Feb 2003
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- 6,140
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- Birmingham
From the late great Tommy Cooper
and sadly enough this made me chuckle
Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya got in those bags?”
“Just sand,” replied Jose.
The guard says, “OK get off the bike and we’ll take a look. Who carrys all that sand around?”
The guard takes the bags and emptys them on the ground and sure enough there’s nothing but sand.
However he is suspicious and so he detains Jose overnight while he gets the sand analysed. The next morning he receives the report that states that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard has no choice but to release Jose and puts the sand into new bags, slings them onto the man’s shoulders, and waves him across the border.
A week later exactly the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got in those bags?”
Jose replies “Sand.”
The guard performs the same examinations on the bags and discovers nothing but sand. Once again he gives the sand back to Jose who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for over a year until finally Jose stops showing up.
A few weeks later the guard bumps into Jose in a Cantina in a local village.
The guard approaches Jose and says , “What’s happend to you lately I haven’t seen you”.
Jose replies “That’s right I have finished the job I was doing.” “So what sort of job involves taking bags of sand over the border” asks the guard.
Jose sips at his beer and replies, “Smuggling bicycles!”
Tommy Cooper said:
and sadly enough this made me chuckle
Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya got in those bags?”
“Just sand,” replied Jose.
The guard says, “OK get off the bike and we’ll take a look. Who carrys all that sand around?”
The guard takes the bags and emptys them on the ground and sure enough there’s nothing but sand.
However he is suspicious and so he detains Jose overnight while he gets the sand analysed. The next morning he receives the report that states that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard has no choice but to release Jose and puts the sand into new bags, slings them onto the man’s shoulders, and waves him across the border.
A week later exactly the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got in those bags?”
Jose replies “Sand.”
The guard performs the same examinations on the bags and discovers nothing but sand. Once again he gives the sand back to Jose who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for over a year until finally Jose stops showing up.
A few weeks later the guard bumps into Jose in a Cantina in a local village.
The guard approaches Jose and says , “What’s happend to you lately I haven’t seen you”.
Jose replies “That’s right I have finished the job I was doing.” “So what sort of job involves taking bags of sand over the border” asks the guard.
Jose sips at his beer and replies, “Smuggling bicycles!”
Soldato
- Joined
- 13 Sep 2007
- Posts
- 3,951
What is the difference between Snowmen and Snow Women?
Snowballs
Snowballs
Soldato
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- 5 Sep 2005
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- 11,742
- Location
- Northern Ireland
What happened? Did you open a few Christmas crackers early?
that made me smile more than the 'joke' above it
Soldato
- Joined
- 10 Sep 2008
- Posts
- 11,973
- Location
- Bangor, Northern Ireland
I easily beat Stevie Wonder at football the other day.
Played a blinder!
The wife and I are going away this Christmas. 5 years for child abuse
Played a blinder!
The wife and I are going away this Christmas. 5 years for child abuse
Last edited:
Caporegime
- Joined
- 28 Jun 2007
- Posts
- 52,812
- Location
- Tamworth, UK
Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.14159265 dead.
3.14159265 dead.
Yup.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
Its Christmas Eve.
massive sigh of depression followed the reading of that.
Police are warning all men who frequently go to clubs, parties & local pubs over xmas
to be on alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into
a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and
sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the
phone book.
to be on alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into
a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and
sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the
phone book.
Here's a couple I've recently heard, if you are offended don't read them!
A woman rings he boss and says "I wont be in work today cos I've got anal blindness".
Boss says "What the **** is that?"
She says "Well, I can't see my a*** getting out of bed today"
_________
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline and was put through to a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was sucicidal and they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Merry Christmas
A woman rings he boss and says "I wont be in work today cos I've got anal blindness".
Boss says "What the **** is that?"
She says "Well, I can't see my a*** getting out of bed today"
_________
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline and was put through to a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was sucicidal and they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Merry Christmas