Just split up with my girlfriend after 2 years...
- Thread starter Richdog
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nero120 said:
You can't make the spark, it doesn’t work like that, sex life is the first to go, after that you become less intimate and in the end you're just two people who hang out. That shouldn't happen after only 2 years. My ex and i put in so much effort to make it work, but sometimes it just can't happen, we loved each other but we weren't in love anymore. The fact they almost split up but worked things out speaks volumes, it sounds to me like the OP tried his very best, and that's all you can do. In the end he did the right thing for both of them.
My ex wanted her most to be with me, she said it would have made her the happiest girl alive, she tried her best, it wasn't a case of not wanting to be with me and i expect the OP is the same.
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Trying to be friends is a nice idea, but in reality its nigh on impossible unless you are both in agreement that the break is the best thing for you both. Staying friends while one of you doesnt want the split is just utterly miserable for both parties, no matter how much you get on. Probably easier to have a proper break from each other and take it from there.
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I broke up with my ex about 6 years ago and we tried to resolve our differences on and off for a good 12 months after that but it very rarely works. I now have no contact with her at all (much to my wife's pleasure). I envy people who can make that work though. Good luck to you I say - but I think going to Brighton together is definitely a bad move.
It sunds like this has come a bit out of the blue from your side, had you not discussed your feelings at all previously?
I think the break idea is a good one (if it's not too late), my cousin was in almost exactly the same situation last year after a 5 year relationship. He had a break though which gave him time away to think long and hard.
They got back together at christmas and are happier than they have been for a long time.
I think the break idea is a good one (if it's not too late), my cousin was in almost exactly the same situation last year after a 5 year relationship. He had a break though which gave him time away to think long and hard.
They got back together at christmas and are happier than they have been for a long time.
I was dumped i suspect for the same reasons - she never definately said but i can only assume- this was after 4 years - it didnt help at all seeing her at Uni - especially as she got a new boyfriend rather quickly.
I did sacrifice a lot though and we are friends still and quite close - which is hard; but worth it. Im now in a position where i would happily see someone else if i could, and im on the prowl - it did take a better part of 2 years to get here though.
In retrospect minimal-to-no contact with her would have been better but impossible at Uni - so my advice is not bother with Brighton explain that you both need time apart to settle for a bit and then try and see each other as friends after that, seeing her will only confuse and really imo torment her feelings, as it did mine.
I did sacrifice a lot though and we are friends still and quite close - which is hard; but worth it. Im now in a position where i would happily see someone else if i could, and im on the prowl - it did take a better part of 2 years to get here though.
In retrospect minimal-to-no contact with her would have been better but impossible at Uni - so my advice is not bother with Brighton explain that you both need time apart to settle for a bit and then try and see each other as friends after that, seeing her will only confuse and really imo torment her feelings, as it did mine.
Gotta say i feel for you richdog, 3 days ago me and my gf of 3.5 years split up, mutual thing....same reasons as the OP, love each other but arent in love and definately really good friends, the funny thing is we've never really had a lot of conversation between us when we're alone, but now we're not an item we chat like a house on fire lol weird. shes moving out friday to live with her grandad and we both agree its for the best.
It's hard to see past the hurt, but a side of me knows that in a couple of months we'll be better people and probably great friends too.
I think you've done the right thing, but theres no escaping the hurt either of you will feel.
It's hard to see past the hurt, but a side of me knows that in a couple of months we'll be better people and probably great friends too.
I think you've done the right thing, but theres no escaping the hurt either of you will feel.
Jolteh said:
She's my best friend in the whole world and we share some friends... how could I possibly do that? I know what oyu mean but in this scenario its just not an option.
Guru said:I went through this with my girlfriend and it took like a 3 month break to make me realise we should be back together
Have a break and see how you feel when you start missing her more than you thought you would
We are back together now and have a baby on the way
Good Luck mate.
Hmm interesting... maybe i'll look back in 6 months and realise I lost the best thing to ever happen to me.
D.P. said:
I love her with all my heart... just not in the way she wants me to. I lack the last piece of the jigsaw that makes a relationship a complete one, and that's why i'm at theis point now. I really wish things were different and I felt how she felt, that would make me a happy man.
Worthy said:
Not at all, we talked things over and it was actually very productive. It was less dumb than if we hadn't talked in-depth.
nero120 said:
Please read the first post, the post you quoted bears no/little relevance to my situation. And if you think spark matters little then your view is obviously very different to mine. Your way is not the way of the rest of the world, everyone is different.
MookJong said:
Another interesting post, i'll give it some thought. Maybe i'm just being blind And yeah, we had talked about our issues a few times but each time we just carried on and pretty much ignored them until we forgot about them. Silly really.
Jamie1984 said:
Mate that's really good that you're still friends, gives me hope we can make it work.
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Richdog said:
Without being too harsh mate, it's the only option.
I'm sure it seems like an attractive option to remain friends to you as you can think that you came out of the relationship without her hating you, plus you still have someone you can go to the pictures with and enjoy other 'couple' perks.
She won't ever start recovering from the relationship until you're out of her life. She's not going to tell you that she needs time apart because she's still thinking you'll get back together.
Even if that obstacle could be overcome, when one of you gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend do they think they'll be comfortable with the idea of you being friends with an ex?
Save yourself and your ex-girlfriend a lot of additional heart-ache and do the mature thing and walk away.
Roughneck said:
Not that my opinion matter much, even in my own head
, but never the less here it is.....See im in a situation like this with my wife and this is why i am ending our marriage after eleven years, There is no question i love the woman, shes the mother of child we have been through a lot of hard times, but......... when you look back on it she has never "done it" for me and over the past two years she has done less and less for me and to be quite frank i just dont have the will to sort her out and never have done.
I still love her though but not in the way i should, my stomach doesnt flip when i see her or think about her, my heart doesnt jump when she comes back from being away, i dont think about her............ at all when i'm not with her.
Even to the point where i've got it on with other birds in the past, just for a screw nothing more and thats all its ever been.
But my situation IS slightly different i was under the impression and was told by many a sage old fart that this is how marraige was it dies down and you become more friends than lovers and as you get older your needs and desires change................ its Horse **** absolute Horse ****.
Well here is why i think they are wrong,
I met a woman while i was working, she was a regular delivery every day, we didnt speak much when i started calling just a "hello" or a "looks like you are going to busy today" that kind of thing, but she always had a smile for me, no matter how much her two kids were playing up no matter what other grief she was getting she would look up and her face would light up but i never thought anything of it.
But as the weeks and months went by i started to realise that i was getting a ... hollow feeling when she wasnt there, all we did was have brief chat every day nothing more, no flirting, but i really missed it when she wasnt there. Soon though she started saying sorry she was out when i called the next day, and the conversations started straying from work to other things, but never any flirting or risque jokes or crap like that.........just anything and everything.
I only lasted a year on the contract i was on and when i told her i only had few weeks left she said she was gutted, i started playing on it winding her up about the fact she would get some rancid old perv delivering her stuff (she is a fine looking woman and she knows it by the way) and telling her she would miss me when i was gone as no one would make sure she got her stuff on time every day like i did, one day she just came out with "I'll miss you more than you ever know" and winked at me but i though she was just being funny
So anyhow my last day comes along and its time to call round her house to drop her stuff off and......................................DISASTER!! she isnt there Muddy funster i was completly destroyed absolutly devasted that i wouldnt by able to say good bye or see her again, i'd never thought about her in that way i was knocked off my stride by it realising with a bolt out the blue how you feel about someone, but she wasnt there, so i took her stuff off and slung it in her garage and went to pick up her return paper work and on that return paperwork was a card in which she had written "good luck in your new job i'll miss you and be thinking about you lots of love ****** XXX" thats nice i thought, thinking she was just being a soppy woman and that i was just being stupid thinking about anything else.
Anyhow i'm walking back to the van when her car comes Screeching to a halt outside her drive and she comes dashing out "sorryI'mlateitriedtogetroundmyrunasquickasicouldididntwantyoutogowithoutsayinggooodbye"
she babbled
"S'ok" i said "i got your card anyway thank you very much, at least someone will miss me"
"It wont be the same without you moaning about how much you have to do every day and being grumpy"
"No, but a least i wont have to put up with your dreadfull coffee anymore"
at which she laughed.
"So this is goodbye then"
"well good luck"
"thank you"
"if you are ever passing you can drop by for a drink and a chat"
"Aye i will, anyway i better get going ive got a ton to do today"
"OK bye then"
"bye"
So i walk to the truck when she just says, "Dont a get a hug then?" "Sorry" i said "of course" and walked back and gave her a hug and started to pull away, when she said:
"Dont i get a kiss either?" So i gave her a peck on the cheek and pulled away again "Is that all i get?" she says..............
We've been seeing each other for 5 months now, we have tried to convince ourselves that its just a lack of "spark" that led us to start it, tried to convince ourselves we are really in love with our partners and they just need a chance to sort themselves out, even to the point we we have tried to stop seeing each other and spilled the beans to our other halves so they know and we can "work through it".
It hasnt made any difference.
They ARE differnt feelings, marraige and relationships ARE NOT supposed to be dull ass friendships when the connection is there you know it, you cant fight it when you really love someone you do stupid things, when we tried to stop seeing each other the second she smashed her mobile so we couldnt talk went away for a week to get away from her house and tried to convince herself that she loved her husband.
She came back from going away, spent a week at home crying and moping around and when hubby went back to work she rang me up almost as soon as his car was out the drive and just said "Hello, its ***** please dont hang up i'm not messing with your feelings, i need to tell you i love you, really love you and i miss you so very very much"
Their spark hadnt gone, neither had ours ,sometimes you just realise it was never there.
atpbx that was probably one of, if not the most honest post I have ever seen on this forum. Despite not agreeing with you cheating (which is frankly none of my business and i'm not going to judge you) some of your points made good sense and its refreshing to get such a different perspective to the norm, even if it is a tad depressing. Cheers.
I guess I could be approaching a similar situation, although probably not, in that my 16-month old relationship isn't built primarily on a spark. She doesn't have as high a sex drive as me and while she is sweet and thoughtful and makes me my lunch blah blah blah sometimes when I've been knocked back or led on four or five nights in a row I start asking myself if I'm missing out and that everyone else is being seduced by their partner and getting action 10 times a week at this stage of a relationship.
I think it's very easy to label people as shallow for getting frustrated when the spark goes from a relationship, but for many people the physical side of things is still important and you can feel hurt and let down when it seems like everything is one-way traffic.
Sometimes I actually look forward to her being at work, or going to bed, so that I can have some time to myself (often at my PC, heh) and I kinda feel a little guilty for that. When I was a kid I always thought that love was supposed to be pure and that when you fall in love, all you would care about is being with that person all the time and doing anything for them no matter what. She's kind of a clingy type (phones me maybe half a dozen times a day when I'm at work, even for trivial stuff like what I want for dinner, or what she's bought, or to say she's got home) and while it's nice to have someone who cares sometimes I feel like just shouting "I'm busy, leave me alone unless it's important!" at which point she'll get all upset and "don't you want to talk to me!?!?" etc. I'm willing to cut her some slack as her dad died this year and her Mum has mental problems, I just hope that we can get a little more relaxed and casual in the future.
The above is all pretty negative but as for many people it's just good to vent my frustration every once in a while. I know she's desperate to get married but I keep stalling because I always promised myself I'd never marry anyone unless I was completely and utterly besotted with them and everything was perfect. Now if things improve that could very well be the case but one thing is for certain, I will never get married just to make other people happy, especially not when I'm made out to be selfish if I don't want to go ahead with it. Marriage is between two people and everyone elses feelings are completely irrelevant until you know for certain it is what you as an individual want first.
I think it's very easy to label people as shallow for getting frustrated when the spark goes from a relationship, but for many people the physical side of things is still important and you can feel hurt and let down when it seems like everything is one-way traffic.
Sometimes I actually look forward to her being at work, or going to bed, so that I can have some time to myself (often at my PC, heh) and I kinda feel a little guilty for that. When I was a kid I always thought that love was supposed to be pure and that when you fall in love, all you would care about is being with that person all the time and doing anything for them no matter what. She's kind of a clingy type (phones me maybe half a dozen times a day when I'm at work, even for trivial stuff like what I want for dinner, or what she's bought, or to say she's got home) and while it's nice to have someone who cares sometimes I feel like just shouting "I'm busy, leave me alone unless it's important!" at which point she'll get all upset and "don't you want to talk to me!?!?" etc. I'm willing to cut her some slack as her dad died this year and her Mum has mental problems, I just hope that we can get a little more relaxed and casual in the future.
The above is all pretty negative but as for many people it's just good to vent my frustration every once in a while. I know she's desperate to get married but I keep stalling because I always promised myself I'd never marry anyone unless I was completely and utterly besotted with them and everything was perfect. Now if things improve that could very well be the case but one thing is for certain, I will never get married just to make other people happy, especially not when I'm made out to be selfish if I don't want to go ahead with it. Marriage is between two people and everyone elses feelings are completely irrelevant until you know for certain it is what you as an individual want first.
Splitting up after such a long time is difficult... I went through it at the end of last year, and you do struggle. Initially. we agreed to stay friends, but honestly - despite the best of intentions - it isn't possible. At some point, it may be, but for at least a few weeks after you break up, you need to have that space. My ex-boyfriend and I tried to keep in touch, but we both found it so difficult - there was no specific reason for us breaking up (as in cheating, big argument, etc) and when it is a gradual fade-away, you can't help wondering whether you're doing the right thing.
The best advice I can offer is that being friends - ever - is going to be hard, because there's that connection, and if you have cared for each other and been together as long as you have, then I don't know whether it's possible to remain close without feeling slight jealousy. Then again, I know that I would find it hard (impossible) to go through life without thinking of my old boyfriend (we've been apart ten months, and I still wonder how he's doing every day) and sometimes, when you're ready, having that contact (even if it not the intimate details of their life) is nice, just to make sure that they are OK.
Only you will know how you feel - now, you are sure that you want to stay such close friends; but (a) that is not your decision alone to make, and you have to not only respect what she wants, but be aware of what might be best for her (which is sometimes a hard thing to do when you want to preserve contact despite her best interests); and (b) things change - life goes on - and you lose the closeness that you once had. The main thing -and I'm repeating other people here - is just to give it time, and see how things work out.
All the best.
The best advice I can offer is that being friends - ever - is going to be hard, because there's that connection, and if you have cared for each other and been together as long as you have, then I don't know whether it's possible to remain close without feeling slight jealousy. Then again, I know that I would find it hard (impossible) to go through life without thinking of my old boyfriend (we've been apart ten months, and I still wonder how he's doing every day) and sometimes, when you're ready, having that contact (even if it not the intimate details of their life) is nice, just to make sure that they are OK.
Only you will know how you feel - now, you are sure that you want to stay such close friends; but (a) that is not your decision alone to make, and you have to not only respect what she wants, but be aware of what might be best for her (which is sometimes a hard thing to do when you want to preserve contact despite her best interests); and (b) things change - life goes on - and you lose the closeness that you once had. The main thing -and I'm repeating other people here - is just to give it time, and see how things work out.
All the best.