Lady question - help needed

Alasdair · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:35

Hi,

I wouldn't normally post anything of this nature on here, however I need some collective opinions on the matter.

I've been with my fiancée for 3 years now, however I've been thinking a lot about the future. Most importantly, I've been thinking about when we eventually have kids. I have this problem whereby I am quick to judge people, and I don't know whether I want to have kids with her.
My reason for this is down to diet and health. I consider myself to be relatively healthy and have a good and varied diet. My partner does not have such a good diet, and to be honest I don't want my kids to grow up in an unhealthy environment. I want her to change her diet, partly as it doesn't meet with my unobtainable standards.
I've noticed that I've only been getting like this in the past few months, since I started seriously exercising (biking to and from work and any time in between). I think I want her to jump on the exercise/healthy living bandwagon, and I think I'm getting disappointed because she's not.

Am I just being exceptionally neurotic, or is this the breaking point of my relationship? Any advice please, any attempts at funny posts I'll ignore as I'm looking for genuine opinions please.

al

theleg · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:39

Is she fat?

and I think its a little unfair to judge her like that...just cos she eats rubbish herself, doesnt mean she will feed it to her kids..especially if you two actually talk about kids and how youre gonna raise them and stuff..

shes your fiancee and youve been togehter a long time..seems pretty strange that this comes up as a relationship breaking issue. Have you actually mentioned any of this to her?

Nismo · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:40

Not fair to make her do something she doesnt want to do, so sounds like your being a bit arsey personally.

toy_soldier · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:41

I would be careful about saying something to her as she might take it the wrong way, just because she doesnt lead a healthy lifestyle doesnt necessarily(sp?) mean she would choose to bring her kids up the same way. It would be upto you to influence them as much as her.

Why not start by encouraging her to exercise etc with you and see how things go from there.

Was · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:42

yep its you.
Just because you want to do something or have an opinion on something dosen't mean your partner needs to be the same.

If its just because you are worried about the influence it would have on future children the you need to talk to her about it?
Are her eating habbits that bad? or just bad compared to you?

Be reasonable, no one is perfect and if they were you would hate them for it!

Alasdair · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:44

I did mention it to her, it's basically like I no longer value her opinion in a lot of things based on this issue.

I'm fully aware of it sounding arsey, elitist and snobby, I just tend to put myself on a metaphorical pedestal.

When it comes down to diet etc, it's almost like I feel that I'm looking out for her and want what's best for her, but it doesn't come across like that at all, it comes across that 'I know best', which is awful. I really do love her and don't want to lose her, it's just my mentalness rearing its ugly head again

kitten_caboodle · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:46

Sounds to me like you're losing respect for her tbh. I think you need to evaluate how you feel and where your relationship is going. Do you think you might be scared of commitment and looking for a reason not to do it?

Kazatan · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:47

i think you have probably scared yourself into thinking this might be a relationship breaking issue.

Dont talk about it straight up like you have done here! I know several couples who appear to have one healthy member and one slightly less healthy, and all their kids are very healthy so i wouldn't worry.

Unless you are super-mega-health concious and your children won't be allowed a single crisp. Then you have problems

SexyBetty · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:48

Are you scared she's going to plonk on loads of weight if she gets pregnant? And if she does, will you love her any less?

GSDog · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:51

The best thing you can do it discuss it with her! Tell her you want her to start doing excercise and change her diet. Don't tell us what you are worrying about, tell her! Has she discussed having kids? Maybe next time you could bring the discussion up?

Good luck

Don't be worried, I doubt she will be angry if your honest.

kitten_caboodle · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:52

I'm pretty sure it might upset her. After all, it can't be nice feeling that you're not good enough the way you are/or the way you live. He needs to be very careful how he approaches this if he is going to discuss it with her.

dragonflyy · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:53

kitten_caboodle said:
Sounds to me like you're losing respect for her tbh. I think you need to evaluate how you feel and where your relationship is going. Do you think you might be scared of commitment and looking for a reason not to do it?

I was thinking the same..

Rich_L · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:54

Nightmare really, if you express your concerns there's a good chance she'll jump to the conclusion that you're saying she's fat and unattractive and go mental, when it seems that you're more concerned about her health rather than her physical appearance. I don't know whether it's actually possible for a guy to raise this about a girl without them thinking that so don't really know what to suggest.

By a relatively unhealthy diet, what do you mean? If you could perhaps give a few examples of your diet and hers?

Also, do you live together?

Alasdair · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:55

kitten_caboodle said:
Sounds to me like you're losing respect for her tbh.

That could be the case. I think I've just been re-evaluating everything recently, and churning things over in my head too much.
Since I started getting really healthy again, I've let her become second best in my eyes. It's like I want her to join me in this fitness crusade and she doesn't like me going on about how fit I'm getting.

kazatan said:
Unless you are super-mega-health concious and your children won't be allowed a single crisp. Then you have problems

I'm not like that at all, it's not like I eat protein shakes for lunch or any crap like that. I've just improved my diet and lifestyle and expected her to follow.

The other thing that really riles me is her attitude to healthy food, like whenever I offer her some salad or vegetables her face screws up and she refuses point blank "because it's green". I don't know whether this is through upbringing or not, but I wouldn't want our children to grow up with the same attitude. I'm just generally annoyed with things just now. I don't want to lose her but it seems like I'm pushing her away with my new attitude.

Yas786 · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:56

Balddog said:
Is she fat?

and I think its a little unfair to judge her like that...just cos she eats rubbish herself, doesnt mean she will feed it to her kids..especially if you two actually talk about kids and how youre gonna raise them and stuff..

shes your fiancee and youve been togehter a long time..seems pretty strange that this comes up as a relationship breaking issue. Have you actually mentioned any of this to her?

Im thinking the same thing really as well

Sexybetty said:
Are you scared she's going to plonk on loads of weight if she gets pregnant? And if she does, will you love her any less?

Thats what scares me about my gf, although shes very slim, not stick thin though.
Told her that once she has my kids she WILL be down the gym working off the excess fat...shes only agreed if i pay for it which i have no problems with

. So she knows her place already

But seriuously though it wouldnt make me love her any less if she gets a bit fat, in fact shes put on a bit of weight since we been together but it suits her really...she now has a more stunning backside than she did before

Alasdair · 26 Apr 2006 at 12:59

It's not that I'd love her any less if she did get bigger, it's more the health implications that I'm worried about down the line.

I'm no doctor, but she gets more ill more often than me, and I see lifestyle and diet as having a big part to play in that. I'm just worried about there being no lifestyle changes and health becoming more of an issue.

callmeBadger · 26 Apr 2006 at 13:00

She is your Fiance, so she is good enogh for you to marry, but not to mother your children?

Seems strange, would like to know how that conversation would go in a ew years time, "thanks for the past few years of fun, but I know think I'm ready to have children, so I'm off now, I want a divorse!"

I'd recomend a daily 2 hour High Five session, this burn calories, or if that fails punch her in the ovaries every day a few times until she tones up her abs.

kitten_caboodle · 26 Apr 2006 at 13:01

you probably need to talk it over with her. First of all emphasise that you DONT think she is fat or unattractive - and you'd think she was gorgeous if she was bigger (whether its true or not!

). Tell her that you feel so much better for getting fitter that its made you want her to experience that too,and that you're scared of losing her prematurely through a crap diet, etc etc.

Fact is, she may well be feeling under huge pressure from you to get fit when maybe she's scared of losing you because you don't fancy her anymore.

A few weeks ago, my OH was getting into his gym routine and i just wasn't going - wasn't in the right frame of mind. He kept teasing me about it and the more he did - the less I wanted to go - until we talked about it one night and he realised how much it was bugging me. Then all was ok. I went back because I wanted to, not because he was pushing me to. You need to find out whether you are upsetting her with your pressure and she's rebelling against that pressure by pretending she doesn't care or won't try.

Vonhelmet · 26 Apr 2006 at 13:07

Get married before you have children.

You don't sound like you're ready to let someone else have an equal part in the role of parenting your children. You also said yourself that you don't respect her opinion, which is just going to lead to endless trouble.

Alasdair · 26 Apr 2006 at 13:15

vonhelmet said:
Get married before you have children.

You don't sound like you're ready to let someone else have an equal part in the role of parenting your children. You also said yourself that you don't respect her opinion, which is just going to lead to endless trouble.

I was intending to get married before the sprogs came along, it's just that I was thinking many years down the line.

I seem to go through periods of being chilled out, then periods of not, I know that everything needs talked over but I don't anticipate it being an easy ride by any respect.
It's nothing to do with me not fancying her anymore or anything like that, the whole issue has arisen through me thinking I am better than her and judging her because she's not going down the healthy route like I have. I'll speak to her tonight and post again when it's done.

al