Le relationship thread (keeping it short)

If she wakes up and says nothing then you may be tempted to ignore the issue to save your feelings, don't do this because if you do it will eat away at you.

It might be a case of silly drunken fantasies coming out of the woodwork, but it may be that you have lost her. Either way you need to find out as soon as possible.

If she is truly unhappy then you may be tempted to try and change who you are to win her over. This doesn't work, at best it is a delaying tactic because you can't pretend to be someone you aren't for very long.

What you both need to bear in mind is that neither of you have wasted the last 7 years because you have had fun being together.
 
Knubje said:
Although, as I understand it, women often break up with you mentally months before the end. They won't show any sign of it until one day she is completley detatched and your sat there thinking....wtf everything was fine yesterday?!
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Aye, well, either that or they spend the last few months kidding themselves (and hence also you) that everything's fine. The detached bit comes when she gives up pretending.

It's not always due to:
Castiel said:
She has almost certainly found another person she wants to be with. It's not something you want to hear I suspect, but in my experience (I went through a similar experience in my early 20's) she will be looking to validate a move away from the relationship with you and toward this other person.
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...but it can be that she only realises things aren't right any more, when she starts to get attracted to others in a stronger way than before.

I find that among groups of friends, esp youngish (teens, 20s), sometimes you get a little cascade of break-ups. Often several couple have been trogging along comfortably, until one breaks up through something intangible like 'not going anywhere' or 'stuck in a rut' or 'need to live a little' or something similar. And it takes this jolt for the other couples to realise they're not really happy to take what they've currently got into the future, either.

Often it is through the girls that this happens - in my own experience (which of course maybe the exception rather than the norm) I find that the lads tend to get comfortable trogging along, but the girls will find themselves starting to feel stuck, or taken for granted, or whatever else.

Eventually people realise exactly what it is they want, find it (if they're lucky), and work at it to make it stick.
 
sara said:
I find that among groups of friends, esp youngish (teens, 20s), sometimes you get a little cascade of break-ups. Often several couple have been trogging along comfortably, until one breaks up through something intangible like 'not going anywhere' or 'stuck in a rut' or 'need to live a little' or something similar. And it takes this jolt for the other couples to realise they're not really happy to take what they've currently got into the future, either.
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That's pretty much what happened to me last year. One of my best friends decided to start a new life in NZ and my ex decided that she wanted to start a clean slate as well.

Oh well, c'est la vie.
 
It's not a good position to be in and I imagine you want some answers, ask her why she is feeling like this all of a sudden.

regulus said:
This girl being single (and hot), she is out on the pull.......
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It sounds to me like your girlfriend is liking all the attention she is getting in night clubs with her friend. I imagine she may have 'copped off' with someone and as a reaction to that she's come home and kicked off at you.

I would ask the friend round and ask her what has been going on and if your gf has played away, if she says yes, knock the back out of her, take pictures, send to gf.
 
sara said:
Aye, well, either that or they spend the last few months kidding themselves (and hence also you) that everything's fine. The detached bit comes when she gives up pretending.

It's not always due to:

...but it can be that she only realises things aren't right any more, when she starts to get attracted to others in a stronger way than before.

I find that among groups of friends, esp youngish (teens, 20s), sometimes you get a little cascade of break-ups. Often several couple have been trogging along comfortably, until one breaks up through something intangible like 'not going anywhere' or 'stuck in a rut' or 'need to live a little' or something similar. And it takes this jolt for the other couples to realise they're not really happy to take what they've currently got into the future, either.

Often it is through the girls that this happens - in my own experience (which of course maybe the exception rather than the norm) I find that the lads tend to get comfortable trogging along, but the girls will find themselves starting to feel stuck, or taken for granted, or whatever else.

Eventually people realise exactly what it is they want, find it (if they're lucky), and work at it to make it stick.
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I doubt it.

Mark my words, she is leaving and depending on the complexity of their financial and living arrangements she will be gone regardless of what Regulus does.

I agree that eventually people do find what they want and stick with it (I've been married 15 years after all without a single serious falling out), but when a person is using the excuse of a friends pain to have a totally independent social life and then begins to be detached and argumentative within their relationship it almost always signals that they have found either someone they would rather be with or they wish to leave anyway.

She bought up ancient arguments and contentions to validate her own reasons about the actions she wants and means to take and to assuage some of the guilt she may feel about it.

I hope for Regulus' sake that I am wrong, however I rarely am in these situations.

I spoke to my wife and her first reaction was "She has found someone else", so without knowing these people personally or their history it is really the most likely conclusion.
 
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Castiel said:
She has almost certainly found another person she thinks she wants to be with. It's not something you want to hear I suspect, but in my experience (I went through a similar experience in my early 20's) she will be looking to validate a move away from the relationship with you and toward this other person.
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Agree with the above but will add a couple of words.

Happened to me as well. Started going out with friends from work an awful lot (many of whom were guys), and getting in late.

Random arguments started happening, or on the flipside, being rather amorous as soon as she got in.

Hence came the inevitable "I don't know what I want" conversation, and the "I love you but I'm not sure its enough/in the right way" claptrap.

She then wanted me to play the emotional tampon role.

Wasn't up for that and later found out that she was on the rinse anyway.

I started seeing someone else, she found out, flew off the handle and went nuts. You know, the whole tears and storming off into the night affair. Realised what she'd done and wanted me back.

Never looked back. She found out the hard way that the grass isn't always greener, and to be honest, although I couldn't see it at the time - it was the best thing I ever did.
 
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As hard as its going to be you'll just have to sit down with her and tell her how you feel about her and make her realise that. Do something spontaneous with her. Hope everything works out for you man.
 
Sounds very strange. I'm basically in agreement with everything Castiel said :p

Don't forget to keep us updated regulus, I hope you get it sorted.
 
Whatever happens, don't kick off. Relationships have the awful power to turn you into a bucket of estrogen and emotion. And as we all know women are emotional vampires and feed off this suffering.

Keep your cool as much as you can. If she has any legitimate annoyances with you or the relationship which you agree with then by all means apologize once and say you'll try to better yourself. But don't fall into the trap of agreeing with everything she says and apologizing for leaving the toilet seat up 3 years ago just to try and convince her to stay.

From my own experience with a recent break up and a lot I've read about, generally if you do break up, take it as an opportunity to better yourself as a man and they will eventually come crawling back. But by this time you will have had time to see if that person played a positive roll in your life, or in fact held you back from being who you wanted to be.
 
Get her mate partnered up ASAP and she ditch your misses too.

She may have done something (cheated) that she is ashamed of and its easy to take it out on you and your relationship rather than blame herself. Take it easy, do something nice to cool the waters and talk openly and positively.
 
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the inevitable "I don't know what I want" conversation, and the "I love you but I'm not sure its enough/in the right way" claptrap.
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^^^ More than anything anyone has ever said ever, anywhere, in the world... this is what defines women...:p



reminds me of this as well...so true.

Floor 1 – These Men Have A Job.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks , ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.PLEASE NOTE:

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Extremely Good Looking, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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Intelligent thought, common sense and rational thinking are all things that women don't do in these situations unfortunately. Trying to analyse things will only make them worse, as I quickly found out during the summer.

Good luck!
 
Op did you try giving her a bar of Dairy Milk? Wait for her to eat it (as that should calm her down) and only then when her hormones arent all over the place try rational discussion... :)

Dont wait for her to deal/manage her own emotional state - thats your job you have to find a way to bring her back down to planet earth...chocolate usually works...you might need smt stronger though...
 
Well, she just got up and I'm being given the cold shoulder. She's been on her phone in the toilet talking to her mate.

And yes, we do have some financial interests together as mentioned elsewhere. It has since increased a small bit too. To be fair, I'm not overly concerned about that right now and more about figuring out what brought on this sudden cold front.

Castiel, your post make sense but I do hope you're wrong. I'm going to ride it out today and figure a chance to speak to her later.

Thanks for all thoughts anyway. I'm out for the rest of the afternoon and will beg for advice again later tonight if the occasion requires.
 
regulus said:
So ... now I don't know. For once, intelligent thought fails me. I'd rather have both my legs amputated before I lose her.
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I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like you already have.

The fact that she dragged up seemingly insignificant actions and events from the past, which you believed were long resolved, in an attack on you shows a huge degree of resentment on her part. I think it's reached the point where she's been on autopilot, and, truth be told, she likely can't stand anything about you anymore. The sound of you setting down a mug of tea probably has her fighting to hold back anger.

If you decide to have a talk with her about what happened, and the status/future of your relationship, you're going to find yourself very quickly becoming the "bad guy". Women have an amazing ability to suddenly become the victim -- she won't know what she wants, you'll start asking what you can do to make things right, like it's all your fault for just being who you are. She'll just keep saying "I don't know... I just don't know...", and you'll be left sitting there feeling like the entire world just took a dump on you... but that you deserve it because you weren't man enough to keep the love of your woman.

Prepare for it all, dude. Like Castiel said, I think you need to start getting arrangements in order. Whatever happens, though, don't let yourself become her emotional plaything. If she's not happy, then it stay or go -- don't let yourself be trapped somewhere in between, or you'll never get her claws out of you.


EDIT: Just saw your most recent update:

regulus said:
Well, she just got up and I'm being given the cold shoulder. She's been on her phone in the toilet talking to her mate.
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I get the distinct impression that she was "sampling the goods", so to speak, last night and has had a barney at you to justify her actions to herself.
 
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regulus said:
Well, she just got up and I'm being given the cold shoulder. She's been on her phone in the toilet talking to her mate.

And yes, we do have some financial interests together as mentioned elsewhere. It has since increased a small bit too. To be fair, I'm not overly concerned about that right now and more about figuring out what brought on this sudden cold front.

Castiel, your post make sense but I do hope you're wrong. I'm going to ride it out today and figure a chance to speak to her later.

Thanks for all thoughts anyway. I'm out for the rest of the afternoon and will beg for advice again later tonight if the occasion requires.
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I hope I'm wrong too mate...:(


Good Luck and I hope it works out, remember that even if it doesn't it simply means you are one relationship closer to the right one.
 
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