Long distance relationships?

Going to Cali

Going to Cali

Going to Cali

Associate
Joined
23 Aug 2004
Posts
1,493
My situation is as follows, I met my girlfriend at uni last November. After I graduated in July I stayed in Birmingham until September while she finished her Masters. The last few weeks we've seen quite a bit of each other, we've been to Venice and spent time at each others. I'm going up to see her on Thursday and have plans for late October.

Since the end of our degree's we've been job hunting. She was offered a position in Bath today. I have an interview just outside London on Wednesday and an interview in Peterborough on Thursday. If I were to be offered either position I would take them, each are excellent opportunities.

Since I last saw her, my gf has phoned me up quite often upset about the prospect of being apart. Simply she doesn't want to do it. I don't think it's a case of if we're not together we're finished but the gap would definitely hurt. We give each other a lot of love and support, I'm not sure either would cope with only a few days a month.

I'd rather be with my girlfriend but I couldn't turn down either job If one came up. I don't feel I'm in the position to relocate to Bristol with her if neither come through either. I couldn't temp to earn a bit of cash to pay rent, in the hope that something that way might come up. If it had been the other way around I'd expect her to do the same, we have degrees and are looking for careers - just there doesn't seem to be opportunities in the same places.

Has anyone else been through similar with partners from uni, how did things go for you?
 
bum said:
Bath isn't too far away from London isn't it?
Click to expand...

If you don't consider about a three hour train journey 'too far', then sure.

What career are you looking into Cali? Strangely enough, Bristol is where I want to be at the moment as that's where a lot of the graduate jobs I'm interested in seem to be, but I'm stuck here till I can get on my feet again!
 
Last edited:
You might not want to hear this, but unless you could find something closer to your GF (or she could move closer to you), it could well end up being a choice between happiness in your relationship and happiness in your new job. I'm not saying that people don't make it work; nevertheless, I know from experience that long-distance is hard (although admittedly my distance was 5000 miles, a bit further than London to Bath!) You'll probably find trust issues coming up which you never anticipated before, and how you deal with those will determine the success of the endeavour. If my experience is anything to go by, any sightings of happy couples will also evoke insane longings for your girlfriend, which is the worst way to ruin a night out!

What helped me to work things out was to admit that I was in a temporary situation which could only develop into three possible eventual outcomes:

a) She would move closer to me.
b) I would move closer to her.
c) We would break up.

Assuming your girlfriend is more important to you than a specific job: if you think a) or b) are most likely at some point down the line, preferably soon, then go for it. But if you think you're most likely to be pushed towards c), I'd be having some reservations.

The thing I would stress is that a long-distance relationship, by nature, is always a temporary situation. Humans just aren't built for it in the long run. It's a bizarre situation made semi-possible in the modern age by our ability to communicate instantly over long distances. But I'd never realised how dehumanising electronic methods of communication can be until they became my primary means of contact. Long-distance isn't a solution - it's a problem looking for one.
 
Last edited:
Long distance relationships = stress + arguments + less seeing = eventual failure.

You are either with or without - long distance doesnt work from experience.
 
Nix, I did my degree in Computing Science so I'm principally looking for a software development role. Doesn't seem to be a huge amount going for first time graduates in the South East from what I can find at the moment.

Mattus, thanks for your thoughts. Ideally we'd both our careers and each other and that would be the same place. I'm really please she has her job, she's worked really hard and it's a fantastic opportunity for her. If nothing comes of my interviews I would certainly be looking to relocate to the South West but I simply can't afford to pass other opportunities by because of my girlfriend, regardless of how much I love her. Think this is going to difficult.
 
Going to Cali said:
I simply can't afford to pass other opportunities by because of my girlfriend, regardless of how much I love her.
Click to expand...

That sounds like the closest you've come to expressing a priority. It seems that you consider career advancement more important than staying with your GF (I don't mean that in a disparaging way!) If so, I reckon you'd regret not going for the jobs.
 
I think that you either have to wish for really good luck in getting jobs in the same area, or someone has to compromise. There is no point in making the relationship long distance if you are never planning on being in the same place.
 
Going to Cali said:
Nix, I did my degree in Computing Science so I'm principally looking for a software development role. Doesn't seem to be a huge amount going for first time graduates in the South East from what I can find at the moment.
Click to expand...

There's a lot of IT based roles in the SE, as I keep stumbling upon them! :p

Try these sites for something more specific though. Set the location to SW and see what comes up.

www.gradsouthwest.com
www.milkround.com
 
Its not easy no

From personsal experiance I study In Mancester & my gf in Belfast

I fly over every 3-4 weeks during term time & its fine Ofc I miss her but it has to be done

Your lucky your in same country!

Just meet up at weekends & when you can.

Your jobs may not always keep you apart who knows where the jobs will be in a years time.

If you want to pack it in do it if not you will have to work at it.
 
I moved to Aberdeen and left my GF in Newcastle, I go back almost every weekend and spend most of my weekend travelling, it sucks and won't work long term but if you use it to get some experience and look at moving to a mutal place then it can work, as it happens I have an interview in Newcastle in 2 weeks time.

Almost 2 yrs apart sucks. Also Aberdeen sucks :)

KaHn
 
Lived in Doncaster, girlfriend (now wife) was in Swansea. Travelled every Friday on a 6hr train jounrey and every Monday back to Doncaster.

That was 7 years ago, still together now. It's hard, but is doable. (Just wonder if it'll survive when she's in Swansea and I'm in Cape Town though!! :p)
 
I did it for 2 years.

I met my gf at uni, she was in the year below me and her course was 4 years when mine was only 3.

For one of these years she spent a year abroad in Vienna, for the following year I had to move to Reading for a job and she stayed studying in Exeter. We rarely had a cross word and made the most of every second we actually got to spend together.

We now live together and things are great.

My advice is that things will work out if you if you both want them to enough.
 
I did 1000s of miles for 2.5 years at the same age you are. It was actually OK, don't think about it too much, do what's best for your careers and enjoy the time you get together. If you endure it, chances are you're on a very solid footing. Make sure you go out and have a lot of fun and ofcourse stock up on pron and kleenex.
 
I met my girlfriend at Uni. This was great for 2 years. Then she finished and now lives at home. It's reasonably annoying as its 200 miles away but we see each other at least once a month.
 
I'm about to move away from my girlfriend who is still at uni where we met, I'll probably get to see her once a month if that.

If it works it works, if it doesn't then it'll come to a natural end with us both realising that there's no point.

My parents lived in separate countries for 2 years before they had kids, they managed it.
 
Try your missus being in another country for 2 years, she went to canada to study while I was at uni.
You can quite easily rag a car down to bath in under a couple of hours, see her on the weekends and maybe evenings. Maybe jobhunt in bath, it's a much nicer place than london anyway?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom