Looking for some advice...

RoachycaL

RoachycaL

RoachycaL

Soldato
Joined
2 Jan 2006
Posts
3,152
Location
Newcastle Upon Tyne
I guess I should lay it down first before I start my whining!...

I'm 20 years old and in my second year of uni at northumbria (studying computing).

Basically over the past year Ive been pretty unhappy and I'm finding it really hard to change friendships, its all to do with my lack of them really.

Its hard to even tell where to start, simply put I didn't move away from Newcastle to go to uni - but I did move into a flat with my best mate (weve been friends for about 7 years) and one of his mates from his course.

I found myself loosing contact with almost all of my mates from 6th form after starting uni, and I'm really sick to death of my course and a lot of the people on it (total unsociable geeks that I don't want to become friends with and struggle to do anything with anyway).

Which leaves me with only two (thats pushing it) best mates, that I rarely do anything with. To make things worse, the mate Ive known that I moved into my flat with has recently got a new job, he now has loads of mates his own age and has pretty much shafted me.

Im worried quite frankly, because from my understanding of young life - a lot of people make their friendships for life at uni, and this isnt happening for me. I really feel like I have no proper mates at the moment and am really struggling to do anything about it.

I currently work part time at a garden centre, most if not all of the people working there are atleast 5 years older than me - and all have big groups of friends, most of them they met at college or uni - theyre always telling me about their crazy uni/college experiences, and it always feels like Im going to get to their age and not be able to recall any good experiences from uni.

Im really just scared that Im going to finish uni with no real friends in life and I feel that Ive wasted the years that I have before I have to start working fulltime and all the fun ends! Id love to do more before I start working, like travel - but its no fun by myself! :(

So anyway, the advice that I want really is who has been in this situation? Who IS in this situation? What can I do about my situation, and just looking for some encouraging words.

I really feel like all these other students around me are having the time of their lives and Im just wasting the good time I have away into nothing, and then itll be too late!

Thanks :p
 
Be more pro active, ask people to go for a drink etc or try and go out as much as possible when asked
 
hey mate at my uni myself, same one too :D, best thing I can say is as it happend to me...

I had to push to see my mates as they were always working etc and sadly they had a lot of other stuff happening, so I kept on sorting day trips out etc to see them or I called or they called and we chat for ages etc

another thing to do is welcome week and rag week youll make so many friends there its unreal, I met my ex via one of the guys in my flat who did welcome week had an amazing good 4 months but it eventually went sour, its just how that went but because of meeting her I met other mates etc so its all good :)

just stick in dude not long left and final fling awaits just seriously dont throw it away youve already wasted 12 k of your srtudent loan (not saying youve thrown it away but if you left now youve lost 12k essentially)

and since its near the end of year and final fling awaits you may join me and my flat in at final fling :D Ill even buy you a drink :)

keep your chin up matey
 
Don't put pressure on yourself to find mates - it won't happen if you do. It's like any other type of relationship - it will happen if all the ingredients are right. I didn't meet most of my friends until after my education stopped and my career started.

Strangely, my best mate - I met from these very forums about ten years ago !
 
Girls, you need loads of horny uni girls. Then you'll forget all about male friends.:D
 
Join a couple of clubs for third year. Something you can regularly go to every week on your own - i.e. rock climbing, sailing, etc. And maybe one with a big end of trip where you get to spend a week away with lots of cool people - and a social agenda outside of that - i.e. ski trip:) I've just got back from one and there were plenty of people who weren't going along with a mate, they were just put in random rooms.
 
knowlesy is on the right track completely. Dunno what else there is at your university but freshers week there is always a volunteer team you can join to help freshers etc, that is always a big one at my uni. Then if sports etc isn't your kind of thing then there are tonnes of societies to join with same interests!

Depending on what your student union is like too then that's a great way to get involved and meet people. Some of my best times have been at my SU and now I run the place! I can only say, I've been in the same position and it just takes all of the above to get to know tonnes of people!
 
Get drunk more. You should be aiming for at least 4 times a week.

Never EVER say you won't go out even if you have work you should be doing. If some people invite you to 'Zorbing' or 'Bungee Jumping' and you can't stand the idea -- GO ZORBING. Afterwards go get drunk. IF they are doing something you are VERY unsure about (stealing traffic cones / throwing eggs at passing cars etc) FOR GOODNESS SAKE JOIN IN. Compromise your principles. Never, EVER have a go at them whatever mentleness they are doing - think of it as funny. Be crazy, wacky. Not nasty, but you should take your turn at pushing the shopping trolley that has the unconcious friend in it despite the fact the police are staring at you from their car parked opposite. Be mental.

Get used to the fact everyone at uni rippes the **** out of each other, it's not personal. If you are fat, they'll let you know. If you're teeth stick out, they'll let you know. If you look perfectly normal, they'll say you're gay. Do it back to them. If they are offended laugh and say 'calm down mate' and buy them a pint. If someone says something nasty about you, laugh in his face then say something nasty about him. Try and make it humorous.

Did I mention, drink very often, a lot of beer. It lubricates the wheels of the social train.

Don't ever have deep conversations EVER with anyone you have met until you have know them and had good times (drunk) for at least 18 months. This includes girls, good friends, ANYONE, NO-ONE cares if you are having a hard time. No-one WANTS to get deep with you. You'll just freak them out.

Get into halls of residence if you can. Mates on a plate ..

Be amazingly self-confident even if it is a lie -- it'll make people like you!
 
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That post needed a tl;dr summary.

The thing is, friends come and go. I feel like my friends from all parts of my life, and I, are on orbits that occasionally cross, collide and sometimes go without any contact for months. The collisions aren't always malicious, could just be poking fun.

And, also, travelling by oneself is rather fun!
 
britboy4321 said:
Get drunk more.

Get used to the fact everyone at uni rippes the **** out of each other, it's not personal. If you are fat, they'll let you know. If you're teeth stick out, they'll let you know. If you look perfectly normal, they'll say you're gay. Do it back to them. If they are offended laugh and say 'calm down mate' and buy them a pint. If someone says something nasty about you, laugh in his face then say something nasty about him. Try and make it humorous.


Don't ever have deep conversations EVER with anyone you have met until you have know them and had good times (drunk) for at least 18 months. This includes girls, good friends, ANYONE, NO-ONE cares if you are having a hard time. No-one WANTS to get deep with you. You'll just freak them out.



Be amazingly self-confident even if it is a lie -- it'll make people like you!
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agreed with all of this, took me a while for the jesturing bit like at other folks I must admit but apart from that get smashed !!!!
 
get a job in a (good) pub or bar they are typically a good place to meet people. or look at something like working in a clothes shop.

garden centre is definitely not the place to be!
 
[FnG]magnolia;16345821 said:
Why limit or burden yourself with that expectation? Uni is no different to any other place where you can meet, interact and be social with other people.
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I think people say that because it's the last mass social' institution that most go onto. Once you graduate people basically work and it's slightly harder/slower to meet new people who'd be hypothetically just as enthusastic.
 
[FnG]magnolia;16345821 said:
Why limit or burden yourself with that expectation? Uni is no different to any other place where you can meet, interact and be social with other people.
Click to expand...
Indeed. My uni friends have all got married/engaged now and have dropped off the radar.
 
Greenlizard0 said:
I think people say that because it's the last mass social' institution that most go onto. Once you graduate people basically work and it's slightly harder/slower to meet new people who'd be hypothetically just as enthusastic.
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I'm not sure on the stats but I'd wager that far more people meet at work and get married or at least get together on a permanent basis than at Uni. In fact, I don't think any of my friends at Uni stayed with each other. They all ended up marrying or meeting someone else. Spectacularly, one married and divorced her childhood sweet heart within 8 months.

This is probably countered by the fact that I lost contact with some of them who could have done just as you described but I still think that a working environment is more likely to lead to meeting someone who's more compatible with you. Uni, of course, feels important at the time and yes, it probably is, but it's like the teaser ad campaign or the viral marketing ad that grabs your attention. It's just a taste of things to come. It's incomplete and it's attention grabbing but it's not quite ready.

Hang in there, OP :)
 
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Thanks for the advice people. I guess my lack of friendships has made me miss out on a lot over the past year, like various gigs Ive wanted to go to - Ive never wanted to go alone. The friends I do have dont really share the same interests as me, or the same tastes in music so it makes it hard!

I really just want to meet some like minded people that we can all go and do stuff that were comfortable with doing.

Honestly, and I don't want to sound like a dick - the selfishness of most students annoy me which is why I wont suddenly jump at the chance to form a friendship with any random student. And what people have said here, all I really can do at the moment is join a few clubs etc as I'm almost finished second year.

I have the idea after uni - of taking a completely different route which is more to do with plants and the environment (horticulture). Ive always had this interest and I'm really starting to get ******* sick of computing.

There are a few people I work with in the garden centre that are incredibly similar to me (sharing interests etc.) but they are quite a lot older than me, and their younger years of partying etc have finished. a lot of them have pursued some kind of qualification elsewhere involving horticulture, so I feel if I do that myself - I'll meet a few people my own age that also share those interests.
 
First things first, life does not end when you leave university. Sure it's fun, but there's plenty more fun to be had afterwards. Make the most of it.
 
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