making contact with family

[spike's]

i havent seen my dad since i was about 11. i am now 25. and have recently been thinking about trying to make contact with him.

i know i have a 1/2 sister who i have never met. and i guess this is a big reason why i am thinking of making contact.

well 2 questions if any of you have managed to make contact.

how did you tell your other parent, and family? in this case, i think my mum and brothers will find it strange, perhaps hurtfull.

how did you manage to make contact, i have no idea how to do this.

 

[spike's]

With your first question do you mean breaking to them the news that you'd like to seek other members of your family?

I think you're right. It is quite likely that the rest of your family will be hurt/confused by the fact that you wish to make contact.

I think I'd seek the help of a pro on this. I know my company have advisors on personal life, etc. and would be able to have input to the situation without being judgemental and would possibly be able to put me onto people that could help.

Might be worth you speaking to the CAB. Not only on advice on finding your dad and other family, but also advice on how to broach the subject with your closer family

cheers gilly.
yeah, thats basically what i mean.

are there companies that can help find people then? or is it imposable if my dad doesent want to be found?

 

[spike's]

I'm sure you could hire a private investigator or similar to do it, but it might prove rather costly. Financial houses and such employ people finders, so they do exist.

I'm assuming you know name and approximate location?

yes, name. and last known city. i may be able to find out more like mayb an address. but then i really would need to talk to my mum especially on this one. and i know the pain she went through. ( my dad was voilent )

 

[spike's]

Not that same, but similar nontheless. My mother and her brother hadn't spoke for about 10 years. I hardly knew my cousins and I really wanted to see them. One day, whilst my parents were on holiday I went round. This prompted my uncle to contact my mother.

Initially, my parents were upset because they thought I had gone behind their backs, however, two/three years on, no one could be happier. We have really got to know each other, my mother and uncle are close, the entire family gets on amazing and we even went away on holiday as a family. It's fantastic.

In hindsight, I could have mentioned it to my parents so they knew how I felt and my expectations. Though they are now very pleased I did what I did.

So really, my advice is tell your mother, see what she says. Tell her you're going to do it either way and that you just wanted her to know.

cheers, did it take long for the hurt to go?

 

[spike's]

I can only imagine it being a completely natural desire to meet your real dad or a sister you've never met. It depends on the break up of your parent's as to how happy your mother will be about it but it has been 14 years and she must have thought about it happening sometime.

I really hope it goes well for you

cheers, i know what you mean. but its complicated to say the least. i am wondering weather to speak to my uncle ( mum's brother )next time i go to see him. he may know a better way of approaching it.

 

[spike's]

snip

thanks mate. its only an idea atm. but one that i would like to explore quite a lot.

 

[spike's]

Try the phone book for whichever city he was last known to be in. The simplest methods are sometimes the best

thanks. may give it a try, and write him a letter.
dont think i could call up and have a chat. would just seem too strange.

 

[spike's]

little bump.

 

[spike's]

Doesn't he have any relatives that might be easier to find in the first instance - his brothers / sisters / mother / father etc? They might know where he is.

the problem is i can only just about remember where they used to live. i was about 11 the last time i would have seen any of them. so i think its going to be hard to find them.
i know the pub he used to drink at when i saw him last, so mayb someone there would know how to contact him. the only problem with this is that its about 100miles from me.

 

[spike's]

I'm in a similar position, not seen him for 9 years and about to make contact as my brother is getting married next year and we want to form a relationship beforehand.

Hard, really hard. Worst bit is my mother and the effect it will have on her. Not to mention the fact that the last time I saw him was in court when I was a witness against him in a drink driving case .

did you allready know how to contact him? or did you manage to find it somehow?

 

[spike's]

thanks for the links and info everyone else. will try and have a good look when i get home from work.

i am still in 2 minds if i should do this or not.

 

[spike's]

He found my brother, heard on the grape vine 'one of us' was getting married and got my Bro's mobile number from someone and texted him..

I'm 220 miles away now. Gotta do what you gotta do, if it means taking a weekend and going on a road trip so be it. Pubs are good places to start, unless you can use electoral rolls or some such.

yep. but as has been said, i really need to speak to my mum first. but then the thing that is on my mind is, what if i speak to my mum, and then nothing comes of it.
i will have hurt her for no reason.