Monday joke!

How many Aston Villa players does it take to win the Carling Cup?

More than 11 apparentley.

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What happens when an earthquake takes out the heating unit?

It gets a bit Chile.

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Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

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Seriously worried about my birthday in a few years time.

Apparently at 40 there's an 80% chance I'll kill a child.

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Why didn't Portsmouth simply consolidate their debts into one easily affordable monthly payment?

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I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.

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I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7.

I call it: Windows 98.

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PS I'm not taking credit for any of these.... But I am gonna take credit for the copying and pasting I did from Sikipedia!
 
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "Satisfaction to the last drop", so Mother was happy.

The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.

The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"!
 
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, Â being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, Â but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy, let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that yes she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"
 
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