My first joke...

ElRazur

ElRazur

ElRazur

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A local medic was trying to show the people of a village in one african country the effects of drinking alcohol. He had two clear glasses infront of him - One containing water and the other a well know local vodka, he then proceed in front of all the villagers at the market place and said look at this. At this point he puts a worm into the cup containing water, the worm was swinming and moving about. So he did the same with the cup containing the local vodka and said this is your intestine. Once the worm got inside the vodka, it died immediately and turned brown from the effect.

At this stage he asked one of the villagers....What have you learnt today and the Old frail man answered - Drink water and you will have worms but drink vodka and you will be worm free!


Happy new year
 
No doubt this has been posted before....

3 men go into a jungle - an Englishman, australian and irishman, and are captured by cannibals. The cannibals say "You have to go into the jungle, find ten pieces of the same fruit, and come back, or we'll eat you"

So they go and do that, and the Englishman arrives back first with ten apples.

The cannibals then say "You have to shove up your bum without making a face, or a sound, or we'll eat you"

so the englishman gets to the second apple, makes a face (As you would) and the cannibals eat him.

The australian comes back with 10 berries (Very very little ones) and the cannibals say the same thing. The australian gets to the 9th one and bursts out laughing.

the australian and englishman meet up in heaven, and the englishman asks "I was watching you! you had it made - what went wrong?"

The australian replied "I looked up and saw the irishman coming back with pineapples"
 
AthlonTom said:
I got a new T-Shirt with a picture of Saddam hussien on.

Its a bit tight round the neck, but it hangs well.
Click to expand...

... I think I've heard that over a bajillion times now...

And OP, that was just terrible, I'm sorry.
 
mattbrown91 said:
No doubt this has been posted before....

3 men go into a jungle - an Englishman, australian and irishman, and are captured by cannibals. The cannibals say "You have to go into the jungle, find ten pieces of the same fruit, and come back, or we'll eat you"

So they go and do that, and the Englishman arrives back first with ten apples.

The cannibals then say "You have to shove up your bum without making a face, or a sound, or we'll eat you"

so the englishman gets to the second apple, makes a face (As you would) and the cannibals eat him.

The australian comes back with 10 berries (Very very little ones) and the cannibals say the same thing. The australian gets to the 9th one and bursts out laughing.

the australian and englishman meet up in heaven, and the englishman asks "I was watching you! you had it made - what went wrong?"

The australian replied "I looked up and saw the irishman coming back with pineapples"
Click to expand...

lmao i loved it :D
 
mattbrown91 said:
No doubt this has been posted before....

3 men go into a jungle - an Englishman, australian and irishman, and are captured by cannibals. The cannibals say "You have to go into the jungle, find ten pieces of the same fruit, and come back, or we'll eat you"

So they go and do that, and the Englishman arrives back first with ten apples.

The cannibals then say "You have to shove up your bum without making a face, or a sound, or we'll eat you"

so the englishman gets to the second apple, makes a face (As you would) and the cannibals eat him.

The australian comes back with 10 berries (Very very little ones) and the cannibals say the same thing. The australian gets to the 9th one and bursts out laughing.

the australian and englishman meet up in heaven, and the englishman asks "I was watching you! you had it made - what went wrong?"

The australian replied "I looked up and saw the irishman coming back with pineapples"
Click to expand...
The OP's joke was better tbh :p
 
That's more like one of those AIDS leaflets they hand out in Africa, not so much a joke as advice.

Now for some real jokes:

Why did the man cry?

A squirrel had eaten his family!


Why did the house fall down?

It was poorly constructed!


Why did the penguin dance?

It was actually a dead penguin with strings attached, and the puppeteer was scaring the children!
 
Dude dies and goes to hell, upon arrival hes greeted by a minion of hell, he says to him "i'll show you to your room". When he gets to his room he finds the most beautiful blonde hes ever seen on his bed, and a full wine rack beside it. He asks "is that for me?" the minion says "yep". He then exclaims "wow this place ain't so bad!, i was'nt wrong to live a bad life then!" "oh" the minion says "guess i forgot to mention, the wine bottles all have holes and she has'nt got any".
 
Another dude dies and goes to hell, hes sent into a room where he sees the most gorgeous woman hes ever laid eyes upon, he asks "is she mine?" the devil says, "yep". He asks "what've i done to deserve her??" The devil goes "oh sorry , i forgot to mention, we do punishments by shift here and its her turn to be punished".
 
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