My first relationship thread, consisting of multiple OCUKers.
- Thread starter Sepheh
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cleanbluesky said:
No more garuntee than a proven brain injury specifically on the part of your brain that controls emotions. Depends on what way you look at it. I dont know how difficult it is for some people to control their emotions. I do know it is a lot harder for them to be controlled now than they ever were. I try to play down my problems and joke about them but sometimes you cant.
Someone said they understand how perfect Ms Holly is and that I should focus on the negatives. I dont really feel that looking at her in a negative is going to be very productive for me. The past few years of my life have been with her, and one of the mostly happy parts of my life when everything else was difficult. For me to then look at her so negatively it doesnt say much for the last 5 years of my life.
I wasnt looking for a oh well life goes on kinda thing, nor sympathy, nor most of the posts that have been here. The most helpful thing is I have found people who were not in the same situation but similar situations. It is hard to relate to my friends about all of this, because none of them have really been in any similar situations. The internet is full of such diversity I was hoping to get someone to understand and maybe have a situation comparibile to give some educated advice about this all.
My original questions were perhaps overdramatised. I think in the end I am just left wondering how difficult it is going to be for me to have relationships with people in the future due to my illness. Its something I live with, and something I have moved on from, but there are aspects of me that make me different that people wont be able to understand. My real fear is never finding anyone who will understand me, that one person who just 'gets you'.
Also to cleanbluesky again, yeah I do know I dont want to be pining over her anymore. I am just also asking the best way to get over her. Cutting off contact from her seems to be the best solution for me at the moment, its jus difficult to when you have been talking to someone everyday for the past two and half years. I just wanted advice on the best way to get over something. My normal method is to confront it and understand it. However there are some parts of the situation I will never understand, which is why I am struggling to accept it and get over it.
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That's what it took for me. I had to take a couple of tough decisions in order to make sure that I got over her, and the situation, and I dont regret them for a second.Sepheh said:
You have to try and put some prioroty on your friendship now. So long as you're clouded by these emotions, you can never really be friends, and that's no good to either of you. Take some time to clear your mind and reaffirm your priotities in life. After that, if it's what you want, you can move forward, with Holly beside you.
Otacon said:
That is my ideal situation at the moment. I want to have a friendship now, but I know I make it difficult myself when I constantly question where our love disappeared and when I always tell her how much I love her. In the end I am inpatient and would love to be over this and have a civilised and lovely friendship with her which i believe i will one day be able to have.
Soldato
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Sepheh said:
Self-protection.
You have to realise that to continue along keeping an open mind about what can happen (your future prospects) is better than looking backwards to that which has passed.
It is appropriate to mourn what you have lost, to fully appreciate it. But not to move on from there will choke your life.
Good luck.
Im finding this a little strange to read.
Feel a little sorry for holly tbh about this thread even being here.
I may have got this all wrong, but it seems to me that the whole reason for your thread is to make holly feel guilty, and get you and her back together.
Maybe im totally wrong, if i am, i apologise. But this just smells of a big guilt trip.
I understand that you have been through a lot, hell i dont know how i would cope, but for a start, i wouldn't make a thread, mainly about your relationship with your ex, on a forum which she is an active member.
She may have said that you, can do what you want, but do you really think that this is what she wants, honestly?
While reading your first posts, i was like this....
(illness) - "man, thats bad, dont know how i would cope"
(naming holly) - "err..... ok fair enough, as long as it ends happily ever after"
(breaking up with her and naming bad parts) - "What are you doing man?!?!"
(continued....) - "surely this is going to end in him saying they are back together and this is a huuuuge thank you thread? ....right?"
(the end) - "wtf?" Just felt like a bit of a desperation post trying to get her back with you.
Sorry if i offend, just being honest, as you were in your opening posts
Feel a little sorry for holly tbh about this thread even being here.
I may have got this all wrong, but it seems to me that the whole reason for your thread is to make holly feel guilty, and get you and her back together.
Maybe im totally wrong, if i am, i apologise. But this just smells of a big guilt trip.
I understand that you have been through a lot, hell i dont know how i would cope, but for a start, i wouldn't make a thread, mainly about your relationship with your ex, on a forum which she is an active member.
She may have said that you, can do what you want, but do you really think that this is what she wants, honestly?
While reading your first posts, i was like this....
(illness) - "man, thats bad, dont know how i would cope"
(naming holly) - "err..... ok fair enough, as long as it ends happily ever after"
(breaking up with her and naming bad parts) - "What are you doing man?!?!"
(continued....) - "surely this is going to end in him saying they are back together and this is a huuuuge thank you thread? ....right?"
(the end) - "wtf?" Just felt like a bit of a desperation post trying to get her back with you.
Sorry if i offend, just being honest, as you were in your opening posts
Thank you and appreciated. Its the times when I am on my own that are the hardest. They are really difficult for me.
Another thing I am really struggling is the physical aspect of how this situation is making me feel. I have lost all appetite and am eating hardly anything. Yesterday I had one small chicken kebab thing that my Mum barbequed for myself and Holly. And today I had half of a panini and I am not in the slightest bit hungry. I could barely manage the panini. I know I should be forcing myself to eat, but I am kinda enjoying the weight I am losing from this all!
Mr Tommo, you have missed the point. I think all of my replies will speak for themselves, I dont want to make this a guilt thread. I just really am seeking advice, I know no-one with similar experiences of mine, I was hoping on a large forum I would get some advice. I have from certain people and thankful for it. I understand why you would think what you do. Holly has been such a big part of my life I can actually talk about it here easier than to my friends, because they are all friends with holly... at least here i get some neutrality in this all. I am not the type of person to guilt trip people into being with someone. I have said my part to Holly and thats it. I understand how contravertial this can be but please read the previous posts. What you are saying is pretty much a done and dusted point.
Another thing I am really struggling is the physical aspect of how this situation is making me feel. I have lost all appetite and am eating hardly anything. Yesterday I had one small chicken kebab thing that my Mum barbequed for myself and Holly. And today I had half of a panini and I am not in the slightest bit hungry. I could barely manage the panini. I know I should be forcing myself to eat, but I am kinda enjoying the weight I am losing from this all!
Mr Tommo, you have missed the point. I think all of my replies will speak for themselves, I dont want to make this a guilt thread. I just really am seeking advice, I know no-one with similar experiences of mine, I was hoping on a large forum I would get some advice. I have from certain people and thankful for it. I understand why you would think what you do. Holly has been such a big part of my life I can actually talk about it here easier than to my friends, because they are all friends with holly... at least here i get some neutrality in this all. I am not the type of person to guilt trip people into being with someone. I have said my part to Holly and thats it. I understand how contravertial this can be but please read the previous posts. What you are saying is pretty much a done and dusted point.
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Soldato
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I like that, very wise words.VIRII said:
well i finally read through but I really don't know what to say
i've suffered depression and still have my up and down days. I've never got anti depressants because I didnt want to, i wanted to try and fight it myself which i seem to have done a bit.
i cant imagine how you must have felt having to go through all that. though some of my past is quite serious and has affected me deeply, it was nothing to the effect of what you have been through
if you ever want a chat or just someone to listen, im on msn.
i've suffered depression and still have my up and down days. I've never got anti depressants because I didnt want to, i wanted to try and fight it myself which i seem to have done a bit.
i cant imagine how you must have felt having to go through all that. though some of my past is quite serious and has affected me deeply, it was nothing to the effect of what you have been through
if you ever want a chat or just someone to listen, im on msn.
a lot of people have acussed sepheh of airing dirty laundry, or making him guilt trip me, i truly believe he is not doing it for that reason.
It doesnt guilt trip me, because it is just what happened, and I know sometimes its best to rant on a forum and have the anonymity(sp?) of it. Just because I post here doesnt mean he cant have that escape of letting his feelings out.
He is a genuinely nice guy, and even though he did things to me in our relationship that made me unhappy, we went through many amazing times together, and i know he never meant to purposefully hurt me, form his illness he had problems controlling his moods, which is why i guess i stuck through it with him, because no matter how unhappy i got at times I knew it wasnt his fault.
Things didnt work out between us, and thats how life goes, there are things i have done and i hate feeling like I am putting another person through so much pain, but i cant help the way i feel or the way i deal with things.
Anyway, i didnt want to take much of a part in this thread, this is for him to let his emotions out, I just wanted to clarify that he isnt out to get revenge, he is being genuine.
It doesnt guilt trip me, because it is just what happened, and I know sometimes its best to rant on a forum and have the anonymity(sp?) of it. Just because I post here doesnt mean he cant have that escape of letting his feelings out.
He is a genuinely nice guy, and even though he did things to me in our relationship that made me unhappy, we went through many amazing times together, and i know he never meant to purposefully hurt me, form his illness he had problems controlling his moods, which is why i guess i stuck through it with him, because no matter how unhappy i got at times I knew it wasnt his fault.
Things didnt work out between us, and thats how life goes, there are things i have done and i hate feeling like I am putting another person through so much pain, but i cant help the way i feel or the way i deal with things.
Anyway, i didnt want to take much of a part in this thread, this is for him to let his emotions out, I just wanted to clarify that he isnt out to get revenge, he is being genuine.
cleanbluesky said:
Q F T...geez for the first time ive agreed with CBS
.But seriously Sepheh listen to what CBS is saying as it makes a hell of a lot of sense. Why waste your time pining for someone who wont come back to you??...i dont mean that in a nasty way at all but theres comes a time when you need to move on. Look ive been there as well, my first serious gf...loved her to bits and was obsessed with getting her back to such an extent that i ended up making her hate me...which i never wanted. Shes now married with kids and is happy, i still see her now and again but i dont dwell on what could have happened etc. If anything i have my memories of her but they are slowly fading away.
As they say dude time is a healer BUT you have to also help yourself by trying to get over her and in time you will find it will get so much easier as Virii posted earlier.
Seriously though Sepheh i hope things get better for you real soon fella, you sound like a nice enough lad and theres plenty of more fish in the sea....your way too young to be attached to one single person. Get out there fella and throw some bait around and have some fun whilst doing it. If anything it will help with the healing process and also gives you the great possibility of meeting someone new or making some new friends.
Sepheh said:
Then i take everything back and apologise, i only read your first posts, couldn't take 3 more pages
Good luck dude, get out there, enjoy yourself and move on. You and holly with have a better friendship when you are with someone else, you will see eachother as friends, and friends only!
EDIT - @ holly , read above post
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Appreciative of that post. I dont want to say anything other than thanks, because i dont want this to be a thread about how amazing you are, althought parts of it are.
A lot of people are telling me to get back out there and meet new people. Dont think I am at that stage quite yet. I definately dont feel like getting into another relationship or even think about being with someone else for quite a while at least. I dont want to hurt Holly more than I have, genuinely I think it would hurt her to know I would be with someone else, as it has with me. I also do not feel ready for another relationship. I think with how fragile I am it would do more damage than good.
A lot of people are telling me to get back out there and meet new people. Dont think I am at that stage quite yet. I definately dont feel like getting into another relationship or even think about being with someone else for quite a while at least. I dont want to hurt Holly more than I have, genuinely I think it would hurt her to know I would be with someone else, as it has with me. I also do not feel ready for another relationship. I think with how fragile I am it would do more damage than good.
Sepheh said:
Hmmm fair enough but one thing i have to point out is why do you feel that if u went with someone else, it would hurt Holly??. To me it seems like she just wants you to get on with your life and enjoy it, which imho is a very nice thing to say about an ex partner. Wish my ex;'s could say the same to me lol
. But seriously dont use that as a reason as to not to get out there and enjoy your life fella. If you feel that your not ready for a relationship then fine fair enough but i think its kinda unfair on Holly to say that if you went off with someone else it would hurt her...or maybe im just missing the point etc. Perhaps there are things that you havent said that would make that statement more applicable but from where im standing i dont think it would really bother her, correct me if im wrong by all means....but really only one person could answer that...holly herself.
Holly and I still both care about each other as friends, but I am still wanting more. I think it would still hurt Holly just from comments she made in the past. You always get those twangs of jealousy when you hear about one of your ex's finding someone else. Its just what happens really. I just dont ever want to hurt Holly again. I have hurt her enough in the past and want her more than anything to be happy. I dont want to hurt her now. More than anything though I am not ready for another relationship, if I was to have a relationship now it would end up with the person I was dating getting hurt because I am not over Holly.
Like i wrote in my first post, find someone that you can get close to but only like friends, dont do anything physical or interment.
Just be careful and look around creating new friends and maybe one of those people you might be able to do that with and slowly grow feelings for them.
A lot of people said just go out and have fun and find other girls, i disagree with that. Just take your time and make sure when you do find someone else you do really have feelings for them
There's no need to rush out and get the first girl just for a bit of fun because that will just be a rebound and that girl will possibly get hurt and believe me, that will haunt you for ages.
Just be careful and look around creating new friends and maybe one of those people you might be able to do that with and slowly grow feelings for them.
A lot of people said just go out and have fun and find other girls, i disagree with that. Just take your time and make sure when you do find someone else you do really have feelings for them
There's no need to rush out and get the first girl just for a bit of fun because that will just be a rebound and that girl will possibly get hurt and believe me, that will haunt you for ages.
Sepheh said:
Fair enough Sepheh but what about your hurt and feelings??...do they not matter??.
Yes i do know what your saying about getting pangs of jealousy etc as i have felt those myself but as i said in time you lose those feelings.
We know that you have hurt her in the past and you dont want to hurt her anymore, thats very commendable of you but seems to me that your running your life on the basis of how she will feel etc. Which i dont think is right but then thats my opinion etc.
Im pretty sure that Holly wouldnt run her life according to how you felt or again maybe im wrong.
Its nice to see that you want her to be happy but thats up to her, only she can make herself happy....i reallly do think you need to stop concentrating on her feelings and look at your own feelings...perhaps it sounds selfish but sometimes you have to be selfish in order to make yourself happy...
As for Miss Holly, from what she has posted briefly...it seems that she wants you to get on with your own life and make your own happiness.
Anyways i could be totally barking up the wrong tree and feel free to correct me but im just seeing things from what your posting as thats all i have to go on
.I can sympathise with the OP re: mental issues, as I was put in a coma courtesy of a 50 mph artic! I had to learn to walk and talk again and was infuriating not being able to communicate with people or move. But time heals..
Again, time will heal your emotions re: holly. Personally, I'd break contact with her, get involved in a hobby, ideally with mates and try to find yourself again. You'll pick up more mates through your chosen hobby too. I'm suprised the trip to Oz didn't help get over Holly, as I've split from an ex and gone to Oz for a year. 2 weeks after landing I was fine, and there's plenty to do over there, but I guess absence made the heart fonder in your case.
I would talk to someone as a problem shared is a problem halved - whether it be male/female/family/mate/work colleague. I have found creating threads like these very helpful, but nothing beats talking to someone in the flesh (I know given my relationship difficulties over the last 2 yrs - not just g/f)
Again, time will heal your emotions re: holly. Personally, I'd break contact with her, get involved in a hobby, ideally with mates and try to find yourself again. You'll pick up more mates through your chosen hobby too. I'm suprised the trip to Oz didn't help get over Holly, as I've split from an ex and gone to Oz for a year. 2 weeks after landing I was fine, and there's plenty to do over there, but I guess absence made the heart fonder in your case.
I would talk to someone as a problem shared is a problem halved - whether it be male/female/family/mate/work colleague. I have found creating threads like these very helpful, but nothing beats talking to someone in the flesh (I know given my relationship difficulties over the last 2 yrs - not just g/f)
Associate
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VIRII said:
I can only echo VIRII's words, its tough, yeah; and at the moment it feels like you have a huge stake through your heart, in months that will become a thorn and in years it will be nothing more than a twinge.
The relationships we have between each other on this earth can wound as much as an sword or a gun, but they do heal -- and you will be a stronger man for it. If you can bear seeing Holly with another, then be friends, it sounds like you appreciate and understand each other. If you can't bear it, take an extended time appart and see how you feel in 6, 12, 24 months. Don't cling on to something in you mind though, that way leads to more pain and heartache.
Something I was told a long time ago -- "if you feel yourself spiraling down into depression; find someone who really needs help with something - throw your all into it fill your time with solving their problems, and you will soon forget your worrys."
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