Need advice on sensitive issue....

V-Spec · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:42

Hi Guys,

Just wondering if anyone here could give me any advice regarding a pretty difficult situation....

Ok, the story is this, i've got a good friend i've known for about 5 years now, I met him at college and hes a good lad, the problem is he is clinically obese, he is 5 foot 6 inches tall and weighs nearly 30 stone, walking is becoming difficult for him, and he looks terrible....
Now things were looking up a while back, I also used to have a weight problem I got to almost 18 stone, decided enough was enough was enough and started swimming and cycling, I got down to 11 stone... Soon after i'd lost my weight I persuaded my obese friend to start swimming and try and lose some weight, and it worked a treat for a while he started swimming 3-5 times a week and lost 5 stone over the period of around 8 months... but then it just slipped, I changed jobs and didn't see him or any of my friends as much.. by the time I was working near home again, he'd put all the weight back on and a lot more, he is now as big as i've ever known.
He does go the gym occasionally but he doesn't try hard enough, and he eats the wrong food very late in the day.
Another problem is because now hes so big, he gets so tired, when he comes home from work at 6pm he gets into bed, and lays in bed watching telly, drinking coke and eating. You cannot live like this and expect to make it past 30.
The main problem is that he thinks hes healthy, hes been obese since he was 12 years old and is now 23 years old, hes gotten so used to being that size, for the last 4 years he's had to order all his clothes off the internet, as you can't buy 50" waiste jeans in the shops

but he seems fine with this... His parents don't do anything, all the motivation for stuff like swimming came from me and no one else... In his current state he will be approaching death at around the age of 30, his BMI is past 70, if he isn't dead hes going to have diabetes, heart disease, and all the other stuff I can't be bothered to list...

Now this is obviously a sensitive issue and I feel difficult talking to him about it, but I think its gone too far, although he lost 5 stone through swimming, at the time he had no job and no commitments, now looking at the situation it seems impossible that he could make any reduction in weight through exercise and diet. His brother has suggested he goes to the doctor but like most brothers they dont listen to each other and fall out all the time. I think the only solution is to get medical help, I think it might help if a doctor sits and and explains the dire state of health he is in and where its leading but then again I just don't know...

If anyone on here has any suggestions i'd gladly take them onboard,,, fact is hes my friend and I do care but I think i've done all I can, and you can't help those who can't help themselves.......

Nix · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:47

Poke him with a stick. That'll budge him!

In all seriousness though, just try talking to him and make it perfectly clear he IS heading to an early grave unless he does something. If he doesn't want to die and doesn't want to die alone, he needs to get moving. I think you need to inspire some motivation in him anyway you can. He may say he doesn't care, but obviously he does as he tried to lose it in the past.

Drake5 · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:49

As he is one of your good friends, maybe you could drill it into him that he could be in danger.

Give him a good talking to, and boost his motivation.

Good luck.

- Denic

Jonny69 · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:49

I think you need to breach it to him that carrying that amount of weight around is likely to kill him within 5 or 10 years. That alone might get things moving. Just sustaining that amount of weight he must be eating a ton. Cut a lot of that out and it will drop down as a matter of course.

V-Spec · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:49

Nix said:
Poke him with a stick. That'll budge him!

In all serious though, just try talking to him and make it perfectly clear he IS heading to an early grave unless he does something. If he doesn't want to die and doesn't want to die alone, he needs to get moving. I think you need to inspire some motivation in him anyway you can. He may say he doesn't care, but obviously he does as he tried to lose it in the past.

I think he does care, but I can't help thinking hes also depressed, hence staying in all the time.... :S

Nix · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:50

V-Spec said:
I think he does care, but I can't help thinking hes also depressed, hence staying in all the time.... :S

Then get him to see a doctor about the depression then. Whatever you do, don't walk away. Your friend probably needs you right now more than he realises.

Drake5 · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:51

V-Spec said:
I think he does care, but I can't help thinking hes also depressed, hence staying in all the time.... :S

Well, if he IS depressed, sitting in the house all day, eating junk food isnt going to help him, is it mate ?

He definetly needs some motivation, maybe he has a lack of self esteem aswell.

- Denic

singist · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:52

All sorts of **** went through my mind but if I'm gonna try and be helpful ...

You need to have a long talk with him; no ifs or buts ..... go for it!
He really seems to have a problem; ask him how long he thinks he might live, the way he is?
People obviously care/love him, so he needs to realise that and do something.

good luck

drunken fool · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:55

at the end of the day, if he's your friend, then be straight with him. He should hopefully respect your opinion and it may just be that he doesn't know how to handle it on his own. Try and offer whatever help you can and point out that it's in his own best interests to work towards losing weight.

V-Spec · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:55

singist said:
All sorts of **** went through my mind but if I'm gonna try and be helpful ...

You need to have a long talk with him; no ifs or buts ..... go for it!
He really seems to have a problem; ask him how long he thinks he might live, the way he is?
People obviously care/love him, so he needs to realise that and do something. good luck

I did try talking to him about stuff like diabetes and heart disease a few months back, and he just kind of sat there, shrugged the comments off and didnt comment. Whilst it may sound like I wasn't forcing the issue on him, its very difficult, hes the kind of person who just shuts down totally and goes back into his shell if you start pushing something onto him, whether your right or wrong... hes very difficult

richyfingers · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:55

Maybe you need to be harsh with him, tell him straight up the health risks and implications of what he is doing to his body, it might be enough to shock him into action.

Sanzy · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:57

i think you should try and get him into some sort of sports activity and gym and try and spice it up to make it exciting and give encouragement. Could be asking a lot of you tho try talking to his family and get them to do the same ? even try sending off to them fat camps on tv...

If all fails use this

V-Spec · 13 Apr 2006 at 23:58

richyfingers said:
Maybe you need to be harsh with him, tell him straight up the health risks and implications of what he is doing to his body, it might be enough to shock him into action.

I don;t think I can shock him with what he already knows, but fails to digest and realise the mavity of it.... The only person who might manage this is a doctor or someone who sits down with him in an enviroment where he cant dismiss whats said so easily... I'm gonna talk to him tommorow I think..

mattx2 · 14 Apr 2006 at 00:02

to be honest you have done all you can, this person has got to want to do this for themselves, no amount of talking to them is going to make them do it unless they actually want to.

iSam · 14 Apr 2006 at 00:14

mattx2 said:
to be honest you have done all you can, this person has got to want to do this for themselves, no amount of talking to them is going to make them do it unless they actually want to.

And it always seems that the more you try to help them the worst they become.

My mates girlfriend knew a girl who died when she was 19, weighing 26 stone. Her heart failed. Thats no age!

Scuzi · 14 Apr 2006 at 00:18

Have you considered an 'intervention' where you and his other friends get together and tell him what the score is. Sometimes people don't realise the seriousness of a situation until all their closest friends and family get together and hammer the point home.

Jumpingmedic · 14 Apr 2006 at 00:19

Eating can become an addiction, as powerful as any drug. I don't doubt for a second that your friend knows that this behaviour will lead to an early death.

The problem is that he can only lose weight when the motivation to lose that weight is stronger than the satisfaction of eating. No fat man would refuse to become thin if there was a quick and easy fix to the problem. But there isn't one, losing weight is hard for anyone, but for someone for whom food is an addiction, it's intolerable.

I'm in the same situation as your friend, I was 24 stone, then lost 6 in 9 months, since then i've put it all back on and more. I'm not happy being this fat, but I would be equally unhappy without my drug. I cannot lose weight untill I have something to replace that drug. I lost those 6 stone back when my life seemed to have some kind of use, when I was happy even without drugs. That is no longer the case and I've more or less consigned myself to self destruction.

If your friend has done the same there is nothing you can do but enjoy the time you have left. Find out what he wants in life, if there's anything that can make him happy other than food and encourage it. You can't lose weight as long as food is your only coping mechanism, your friend will have to find another way to be happy or there is nothing that can be done for him... short of locking him up. It's possible he may be depressed in which a psychiatrist/counsellor or his GP is the best bet. But convincing a depressed person that they're clinically depressed is damn near impossible.

V-Spec · 14 Apr 2006 at 00:30

The thing he, he doesn't eat that much anymore, hes stopped cramming himself with food a few years back, as I said, most of the damage was done from an early age in terms of eating, the main problem is his lazyness, getting into bed at 6pm and doing nothing, whilst still eating allbeit a little more than a normal person, lets face it if I ate what he eats now, it would probably have little effect on me because im very active, the killer that he is so damn lazy..

shimy182 · 14 Apr 2006 at 00:33

take him to a psycologist.
make him scared of his obesity.
show him facts about what fat can do to you.
take photos of him and show them to him.

theres a lot you can do. and watch out for half minded diet, the rebound is what you should be scared of.

V-Spec · 14 Apr 2006 at 00:33

Scuzi said:
Have you considered an 'intervention' where you and his other friends get together and tell him what the score is. Sometimes people don't realise the seriousness of a situation until all their closest friends and family get together and hammer the point home.

I have considered this. but unfortunatly the people around him including his family are pretty weak when it comes to this subject, and wouldn't try and push the issue enough, he'd just shrug off their kind comments and wait for them to go away, this is highlighing another problem in the fact that the only person who seems to care or has tried to do anything is me...

Need advice on sensitive issue....

Man of Honour