If I'm told to write my feelings down, I'm pretty sure I won't state I'd been killing babies. Because you know, I don't kill babies.
People who've lost a baby, let alone been in a position where they've seen a number die do often feel guilt and responsible because they can be entirely innocent but blame themselves for "not doing more" or "missing something".
It's led to a lot of very unsafe, and ultimately overturned convictions in regards to SIDS when police have taken a grieving parent and basically told them they must have done something and kept them in questioning for hours not long after the death.
IIRC there was a case that finally got fully overturned where they did it to a woman who'd lost two babies because "obviously you did something for it to happen twice" - it was years later that the woman was able to get a proper defence and her own proper experts who made the point that it was actually more likely to happen twice to one person and IIRC there was a gene that made it much more likely or something (basically it turned out any kids she and her hubby had were at higher risk).
It's not just babies, if you've ever been in a road accident where someone died you can end up wondering what you could have done differently and blaming yourself, even if you did nothing wrong and there was nothing else you could have done (even train drivers get it when someone throws themselves in front of a train doing 70mph*).
If anything it's more natural and normal to wonder if you could have done something differently, or if you'd done something that could have contributed to the death in some way - I've heard stories of medical students being told very early on that it's not a matter of if they kill someone, but when as no one is perfect and at some point they will miss something that may have saved a life, or someone will die as a direct result of their actions (interactions in medications, not previously known allergies, or someone dying in surgery etc).
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Note I am not saying she is innocent, but that it's extremely common for people who've been involved, even effectively as a bystander to wonder if they could have done something, anything to stop something from happening. IIRC it's why you have the term "survivors guilt", as people can feel guilt just from surviving when someone else didn't.
*Apparently if someone kills themselves in front of a train it's not at all uncommon for the driver to end up giving up the job, and in some cases commit suicide themselves due to the guilt because despite the fact they did nothing wrong, they were "in control" of the train at the time.
www.theguardian.com
