Duuuude! I got a reply on Elfster (and also a message from yesterday, oops) instructing me to open it. I found a typed covering letter explaining the next page:
A biography of me, in exacting detail. A Curriculum Vitae if you will, including some quotes. It is a surprisingly accurate summation of my life, personality, and other biometric details that make me up. All divined from various sites I frequent and other social networks.
My secret santa is both pro at stalking, and also has provided a delicious appetiser to what I can only assume will be a strange/wonderful/hilarious/thoughtful/offensive present tailored directly to me.
I am impressed.
I must double my efforts.