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*****Official bad joke thread*****

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then
eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. And repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5
pounds.'


When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'


The Irishman nodded, 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going
to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the blasted skippin'. :p
 
Usher said:
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then
eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. And repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5
pounds.'


When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'


The Irishman nodded, 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going
to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the blasted skippin'. :p
Click to expand...

I laughed (Once I think).
 
What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when you're nailing them.
 
Two nuns in a bath, one says to the other "wheres the soap", the other one replies "yes it does doesn't it"

;)
 
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love,
I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those ******** at the post office.


Sincerely, Edna
 
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I got kicked out of WH Smith this morning. Apparently I wasn't allowed to move Kate McCann's book to the Murder Mystery section.
 
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters, Perfectly harmless, until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
 
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