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*****Official bad joke thread*****

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
 
Begbie said:
Must be offical - it has starz!
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re44dx.jpg


STARS?
 
A woman takes a lover home during the
day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's
husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard,
not realising that the little boy is
in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

A few weeks later, it happens again
that the boy and the lover are in the
cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots. "The
lover, remembering the last time, asks
the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says
to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a
game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The
father says, "What?! How much did
you sell them for?"

Boy - "£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that.

That is far more than those two things
cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the
door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that
**** again. You're in my cupboard now."
 
Two Scots (1 of whom is getting married) and an Englishman. Dress code for the wedding is Kilts. No kilt=No entry!
As usual the Englishman is moaning about wearing one!
After persistence from the groom, the Englishman comes round and says:"oh all right, it is your day after all...what colour is the tartan?" The other scot goes:"well considering that it's a wedding...she'll probably be in white!"
 
Tefal said:
"wears the soap"


as in her muff is wearing it down as she's fapping with the soap.
Click to expand...

:eek:

um, I didn't know it was referring to that, I just thought the soap was wearing down due to normal use ie. the water wearing it down...:o
 
I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"

That way everyone in the country can get **** faced drinking responsibly.

And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink responsibly"

Probably will **** off the government as well.
 
I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'

I thought "That's just spam.
.............................................................

The anagram of

Osama Bin Laden.....................

Lob man in da sea !! :p
...........................................
My census form has been returned as incorrectly filled in.
In answer to the question: ”do you have any dependents?”

I put “Asylum seekers, smackheads, most of Liverpool, the cast of Jeremy Kyle, the Tipton Taliban, Northern Rock, the Scottish NHS and half of Eastern Europe”.

Apparently, it wasn’t the right answer!
 
A German, a pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods, later on they were reported missing.
Two days later rangers found two bears, one female,one male, looking decidedly overstuffed.
they shot the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, they found the German and the Pole.
where do you think the other one is ? asked the first ranger"
The Czech's in the male" said the second ranger.



Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, ah need to talk to thee about me cat"
Vet: " Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay I've browt it with us"



This chap from Barnsley with a sore rectum asks his chemists,
" nah then lad, does tha sell ar$e cream?"
and the chemist says "Magnum or cornetto?"
 
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.


The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'


'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....




'What the **** would they want with a plasterer?
 
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