Ended up relapsing a few weeks ago. Was actually doing well, but as always I got a gut feeling days before that something was coming. Hard to describe it, but it feels like butterflies and anxiety mashed into one. Ended up picking up a bottle of wine, I can't stand the stuff... But my reasoning was I didn't want to go down the Vodka path. I went to a meeting that evening as it's local to me (literally round the corner). As the meeting started and we did some readings, I thought I'd do a read out but the anxiety and guilt hit me as I started reading like a train and I burst into tears and ran out. Begged a man to sponsor me but he said he couldn't for his own reasons, so had to leave. Went to a curry house next door and ordered, started crying and the takeaway driver was concerned and hugged me. I left without the food. I was just trying to take my mind off it... in my mind money isn't an issue. Day later I was found sat on a path trying to get home by a passer buy. Police ended up taking me home. I was soo embarrassed looking back on it. Eventually ended up in hospital again, I don't remember how I got there... I must have gone back out when I was taken home buy the police because the craving, or illness wanted me to get another bottle.
One is too many, a billion is never enough.
So I got into hospital, didn't have any IV intervention or anything, I think I was exhausted. Started talking to a nurse. She was lovely and walked with me down the corridor as I was freaking out because of withdraw. It got that bad I couldn't lay in bed, if anyone knows that doom feeling you get, that's where I was. Ended up walking out, but started to panic as I couldn't find the exit. Bought another bottle and tried getting the bus home but fell asleep and missed my stop and ended up in a different town, I was freaking out... Sat in a park wondering what can I do. Called my girlfriend and she was like go into a pub and ask (she was fuming and rightly so) I walked into the nearest one and had to walk back out as crowds of people were freaking me out. So I walked over to a chippy and this young lad helped me, we chatted he could have just left but he didn't. I'm soo very grateful he helped. He just kept engaging with me and helped me phone a taxi home. Self pitty and scared like a young child was running through my soul apart from the half bottle of vodka in the bag next to me. The woman behind the counter passed me a bottle of water, but I kept looking at it with my mind thinking it was vodka, because it was clear I think. Madness.
I was messaging two of my ex's one was long term the other was two years. Was nothing dodgy, well not in my eyes. I was just apologising asking for forgiveness. I never messaged the longest term ex before, so that was new. But I was just being self pity I think, but in my heart of hearts I was just apologising, not being nasty or rude. Doing it wrong though. Because I was using Facebook messenger, for some reason my current girlfriend knew I was doing it. It's like our accounts are linked.
Withdraw is the worst feeling in the world. That doom, end of days feeling is breaking. I tried reducing, but for me it doesn't work yet a necessity at the time. The HALT nurse was saying a while back that small volume beers are my medicine right now. I understand that. Thing is, I get to a point, a bit like a glass ceiling were I can't take it anymore and there's no effect.
Hope everyone else is doing well. Don't give up trying to give up, I know I won't. I guess that's part of my addiction though, I just keep at it until I get what I want...
Insane.
Was more gutted I put my glasses down somewhere and now need to get new ones... Easy to spend £300 on a binge, but worried about buying a pair of glasses.
Insanity.
I don't know why I'm sharing this, but it helps talking/engaging. Keeping somewhat of a note pad of my actions, yet not torturing myself.
Two weeks sober. I try not to keep a log of dates now. I'm sober today and that's all that matters.
