Problem were I don't want to look uncaring..!! Please help..

I'm 35. I really do want to move on with my life but if she isn't the one then I guess its time to call it quits, and I really do hate myself for thinking like this...

I want to help, I've asked all I dare about what happened, and she accused my of being hung up on something she can't control...

She even told me if I want a play thing to hang of my shoulder, then go and look for it...!! I very nearly did.
 
i think you need to slap her into reality and an hours swimming is only a few hundred calories so dont expect her to lose weight from swimming while eating crap
 
Chimerical said:
To be honest, although I can understand the circumstances and everything, leaving her while she's on treatment and because she's suddenly gained weight it pretty low.

I would probably be guilty of doing the same thing in such a situation but that doesn't make it right.

Plus, I have little idea as to why you're asking OcUK on advice; a male dominated forum full of lonely geeks (like myself) probably isn't the best place for balanced opinions.
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I know, I just wanted to talk about it.... I tried to talk to my mum and she called her fat and didn't like it.... Didn't help.

I do feel guilty, I find myself talking bad to her, and she says I've changed since it all happened.... she told me last night that she loves me dearly and doesn't want me to leave her, but please accept that this is how she is, and she'll continue eating what she damn well likes... Her words.

I do love her - as in her but you need to find your life partner attractive.... I look into her face, and almost cry as she is so pretty as I look down and see her so big.....!!

I really do want to give her time, and I'll guess this is what I'll do. If after a few months she looks to be reducing in size, heck I'd say dropping a size in a few months is good, as it will take time, then I'll feel less guilty... I do feel very low at the moment... Low in emotion and energy.
 
iv-tecman said:
I do love her - as in her but you need to find your life partner attractive.... I look into her face, and almost cry as she is so pretty as I look down and see her so big.....!!
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Then thats your problem.

'Man up' as it were and deal with it. God forbid you ever get ill and you let yourself go. It sounds like she's got enough problems without her own boyfriend judging her appearance.
 
Woah! This is a supremley difficult one! Women + Weight issues I wouldn't normally touch with a barge pole for the fear of getting destroyed!

How long have you been with her? I don't understand the condition fully but it sounds like you are being caring and honest with her so far and need to go further.

If you have made the efforts and tried to get her motivated/active in order to shift the lbs then that's all you can do as a supportive partner. The next step is locking her up, throwing away all junk food and forcing her on a treadmill - not exactly feasible.

Fact of the matter is, if you are used to her being a size ~10, it's a MASSIVE jump up to 18. You need to be honest with her about finding her current weight an issue with finding her physically attractive, but more importantly her recent attitude of "meh, i'll eat/do what I want" is even more un-attractive. Sounds like she's giving up and doesn't give two monkies about anything to me.

How long have you been together?
 
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I dont know why everyone says that you should not worry about your partners appearance if you love them. If you love someone then its because of the person as a whole. That is their personality and appearance. The main difference between best mates and your missus is the physical attraction in a lot of cases. If you find her less attractive and love her less as a result then yes that is a little shallow but you cant help how you feel.

If she is unwilling to try and get fit and healthy and sort out the problem then I dont think that there is a lot you can do. You have been supportive and tried to help but she cant expect you to just accept the change she has endured.

You make it sound like she has done this to her self for the most part. Yes the meds she is on and the condition cause weight gain but I doubt that it causes you to double in size in such a short time. Maybe it makes you more succeptable to weight gain but not to that extent. Why wont she try and lose the weight for you.

I think that she is being selfish and that she should make an effort in the same way that you have made the effort to help her. There are very few people in the world who are massively overweight and cant do anything about it. Your missus is certainly not one of the few.
 
Chimerical said:
Then thats your problem.

'Man up' as it were and deal with it. God forbid you ever get ill and you let yourself go. It sounds like she's got enough problems without her own boyfriend judging her appearance.
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No that's fine I do think honest talk is needed..... Don't want to throw something away if it could be good in the future.
 
iv-tecman said:
No that's fine I do think honest talk is needed..... Don't want to throw something away if it could be good in the future.
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Chime has a point in a way, but at the same time so do you. Yes she has let herself go, she knows it, you know it.

However, her change in attitude and reluctancy to "meet half way" is the real the cause for concern. The weight she can always lose or put back on.

There is much more to being fat than lookin unattractive, because some men LIKE that. I would say the bigger more important picture in this is the health implications she faces for being a larger size.
 
Every person is different. Physical appearance plays a vital role in my opinon, you can't help the way you feel. In my opinion, someone you feel an emotional attraction for is just a friend, someone you feel an emotional and physical attraction to is a potential partner.

We're all animals at the end of the day, you don't see the animals on the Discovery Channel searching for a mate with a nice personality, most of it is based on physical looks and performance.

However, from what you wrote it seems like she only started swimming because she was scared of losing you, not for the fact she wants to lose weight. Which in the long run won't work.

If all else fails, just cover your face in mustard everyday and if she questions it just tell her if she loved you she would accept you with or without a mustard covered face.
 
So your not a chubby chaser? :D I kinda agree with fez; I have given the ultimatum to a girlfriend before and it worked for a while but in the end she just went back to her usual diet still knew I loved her but it was dam hard and upsetting that she didn't listen to what I really meant.
 
the decision as to whether you stay with her probably has little to do with her weight

Do you want to be with her? and if not, why not? are those things resolvable? not much more to it than that
 
I can sympathise with her issues, as my sister has Turner's syndrome and was put on HGH as a child and teenager. It helped her growth a bit, but it also made her pile on weight. She's struggled with this from her mid-teens and it's crushing for her self-esteem. Weight control with these sort of drugs is difficult.

I'd imagine she feels like it isn't her fault, which in many ways is correct, but it also sounds like she's unwilling to face up the changes and ignoring the matter will get her nowhere. Relationships are a two-way thing and the very fact that she is unwilling to even make an effort to change (either for herself or for you) by undertaking a manageable exercise programme and a controlled diet rings alarm bells for me.
 
you are not a Saint or a Martor - if you no longer like her - move on - life will go on for everyone and . . . .

. . . there is a "bum for every seat"

khushy
 
Why not go and see a doctor about it? I doubt very much that the weight gain isn't irreversible, and it sounds like there are worse problems arising now.

Understandably, she sounds depressed to me, which you really have to get her to see a GP about.
 
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I don't expect your GF to go swimming. With all tha's happened with her feet, and the extra weight, I think she's just embrassed to go. Good man though, trying to get her on the right tracks.
 
Oh dear this is a difficult one.

I suppose your girlfriend must be feeling really depressed at the moment. It would have been a huge shock for her to go from size 10 to a size 18 in a matter of months, this has created a defeatist mentality within her.

Possibly the worst thing you can do is leave her when she is feeling this low and you will have to dig deep, by the sounds of it, in order to stay with her. However, this will mean a constructive attitude on both parts.

Your girlfriend has been through a lot and this is a wearing time for both of you, so do try your best if you can.

All the best and I hope this helps.
 
platypus said:
Why not go and see a doctor about it? I doubt very much that the weight gain isn't irreversible, and it sounds like there are worse problems arising now.

Understandably, she sounds depressed to me, which you really have to get her to see a GP about.
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There's very little else needs saying than this tbh, Speak to a Doc (both of you), There may be other options for the drugs she is on
 
I know, deep down she ‘really’ doesn’t like being 18. It was not nice for her to have to go out and buy all new clothes in a matter of months, upsetting as it must have been she’s shown no emotion towards it, but I do know deep down its not what she really wants.

I know this, as whilst we were walking the dogs, she mentioned that she can handle the weight and how everyone perceives her, but would like to lose it naturally so as to avoid excess skin – so its on her mind, for sure…!!

I am trying to be supportive. I don’t want to leave her as it will be low. She told me when we were about to split, and trust this, this is a hard as nails girl. She has never, and I mean never cried in front of me, but she did that day. She broke down, and tears were down her face. She was devastated.

She started to question that she was now ugly and fat, and its not that… I wasn’t leaving her for her weight. I was leaving as she was not taking charge and doing something, and this hurts me more…. I can take being out with a girl sized 18. She might actually loose some if it, and drop to 16, and that’s not far from 14 but it matters not… What hurt me was the selfish attdute of ‘I’m not changing, for NO ONE..!!’ even though I voiced health concerns as my main reasons for doing something about it…

I think this’ll be hard on both of us, I myself need to watch what I eat as I’ve got a medical condition – we are a right pair…. But see how it goes…. Glad I’m not the only one who thought she was a little out of order.

I was really starting to doubt myself… Its troubled me for months, and I’ve now broken down and needed to talk.,.

Thanks all..
 
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