Rant about Ex

[Steedie]

This makes me really angry just reading about that. I'd be doing everything in my power to have that kid taken away from the situation, and at the same time, trying everything I could to not do something stupid...

Good luck OP

 

[pioneer2000]

How is that in any way relevant? Beyond a gentle smack on the arse (I'm not against the odd gentle smack here and there like some people), you do not hit children. Ever. Certainly not hard enough to bruise and absolutely not hard enough to warrant a hospital visit. Nothing the child could've done would warrant that response.

OP, I'd be following the advice of most of the people here and seeking full custody straight away. I know it'll be financially draining but the safety of your child must come first.

This is why there are so many a-hole kids around nowadays. Parents should be able to hit their children if they're doing wrong (obviously not beating the living crap out of them, but a good solid slap / smack).

Maybe the guy is sincerely sorry and did overreact out of character. Or should anyone that has one instance of violence be locked away for good?

Also, why didn't you make your relationship work with your partner, for the sake of your child?

 

[Destination]

This is why there are so many a-hole kids around nowadays. Parents should be able to hit their children if they're doing wrong (obviously not beating the living crap out of them, but a good solid slap / smack).

Maybe the guy is sincerely sorry and did overreact out of character. Or should anyone that has one instance of violence be locked away for good?

Also, why didn't you make your relationship work with your partner, for the sake of your child?

ah yeah?
what did the kid do?
since you know so much about why this guy SHOUDL have hit the kid, go on ahead and tell us what the kid did?
This is a kid, who is not related to the guy who hit him hard enough to bruise his arse.
So what did the kid do, mr 'I can fix society with violence'.

 

[thebennyboy]

If you have to hit a kid to discipline them, you've lost control. Period.

 

[pioneer2000]

ah yeah?
what did the kid do?
since you know so much about why this guy SHOUDL have hit the kid, go on ahead and tell us what the kid did?
This is a kid, who is not related to the guy who hit him hard enough to bruise his arse.
So what did the kid do, mr 'I can fix society with violence'.

At no point did I say he "should have" hit him. Learn some reading comprehension skills.

Davey was saying "children should not be hit ever"... which is nonsense.

Smacking IS a successful disciplinary action (within reason, as I also stated). The behaviour of children in the past 20 years or so has become far worse than it previously was, a major driver of which is the horrendously poor quality of parenting that is now practiced. Children are let loose to run about, roam the streets alone, not listen to their elders, mainly because there's a great proportion of brain dead layabout parents that sit on facebook / twitter all day too lazy to spend the time looking after their children or implement an appropriate level of discipline.

 

[Destination]

Children are let loose to run about, roam the streets alone, not listen to their elders, mainly because there's a great proportion of brain dead layabout parents that sit on facebook / twitter all day too lazy to spend the time looking after their children or implement an appropriate level of discipline.

None of the above is in any way related to smacking.
Smacking doesn't equate to correct parenting, discipline does, this is best if it doesn't involve smacking.

you did say

Maybe the guy is sincerely sorry and did overreact out of character. Or should anyone that has one instance of violence be locked away for good?

This should not matter at all. It is not his child, he hit a child who is not his. He should not have contact with that child again. If an adult hit my child in anger, I would never want that adult to ever come into contact with my child again.
Never.

 

[pioneer2000]

If you have to hit a kid to discipline them, you've lost control. Period.

If you want to take that line then hitting anyone is losing control.

I suppose you'd just sit down with your child, asking them why they're having a tantrum, screaming and rolling on the floor in the middle of Tesco, because they can't have sweets etc, spending 10-15 minutes creating a disturbance to other people who want to shop in peace, and then wait for the child to apologise and hug it all better?

A traditionally proven alternative would be a swift smack to demonstrate how unacceptable such behaviour is and a quick resolution back to normality. The child then knows without doubt that similar behaviour will not be tolerated, without any appreciable harm being made.

Fact of the matter is that children are far more out of control than they once were and namby-pamby marshmallow parents are to blame.

This has gone off topic somewhat, all I was originally pointing out was that the guy might well be genuinely sorry and wanting to make amends. However it seems the pitchforks are out and he's labelled a child abuser straight out of the gate.

 

[pioneer2000]

This should not matter at all. It is not his child, he hit a child who is not his. He should not have contact with that child again. If an adult hit my child in anger, I would never want that adult to ever come into contact with my child again.
Never.

lol, so if he had been part of the child's life for 2, 5, 10 years? it still would not be his place to discipline him? because he's not blood related?

The guy has been placed in a position of trust by the mother (by implication of their relationship). It can never be seen in such a binary way.

 

[vanandjuanunited]

Oh dear. I've never smacked either of my two sons. I must have gone wrong somewhere. Oh wait thats why they are always causing bother then running riot in the streets.

Any child I have ever witnessed getting smacked doesn't suddenly start behaving. They tend to cry just as much if not more than what they were doing previously.

 

[pioneer2000]

None of the above is in any way related to smacking.
Smacking doesn't equate to correct parenting, discipline does, this is best if it doesn't involve smacking.

You know what doesn't work, instilling discipline by "telling off". All that happens is the child rolls their eyes at the parent and ignores any instruction given. The parent then thinks they've been smart and achieved something because they've "told them not to", despite the message being completed forgotten about within mere moments.

FYI, i'm off lunch now so not going to be replying.

 

[josh_sheffield]

Davey was saying "children should not be hit ever"... which is nonsense.

Smacking IS a successful disciplinary action (within reason, as I also stated). The behaviour of children in the past 20 years or so has become far worse than it previously was, a major driver of which is the horrendously poor quality of parenting that is now practiced. Children are let loose to run about, roam the streets alone, not listen to their elders, mainly because there's a great proportion of brain dead layabout parents that sit on facebook / twitter all day too lazy to spend the time looking after their children or implement an appropriate level of discipline.

I agree that there seem to be loads of lazy parents and this impacts upon their children's behaviour. Discipline is important but I think if you have to resort to being physical then you are failing.

I don't think there should ever been a need to hit a child. I once gave my son a little smack on the bum when he wasn't listening to me and almost ran into the road. It was really little more than a tap but I regret doing it.

I rarely have to tell my boy off let alone smack him (approach to parenting is working or just lucky?). Observing the behaviour of other children at school the worst behaved kids tend to be the ones who's parents are constantly shouting at them over what seem slight things.

I think if as an adult you have to resort to shouting at a child or giving them a smack you are setting a terrible example to them, which is likely to impact upon their behaviour. I had the occasional smack as a child and when I was a teenager on a couple of occasions came to blows with my dad. I know that I regret this and that it is something which he does too.

 

[FuriousGeorge]

If you want to take that line then hitting anyone is losing control.

I suppose you'd just sit down with your child, asking them why they're having a tantrum, screaming and rolling on the floor in the middle of Tesco, because they can't have sweets etc, spending 10-15 minutes creating a disturbance to other people who want to shop in peace, and then wait for the child to apologise and hug it all better?

A traditionally proven alternative would be a swift smack to demonstrate how unacceptable such behaviour is and a quick resolution back to normality. The child then knows without doubt that similar behaviour will not be tolerated, without any appreciable harm being made.

Fact of the matter is that children are far more out of control than they once were and namby-pamby marshmallow parents are to blame.

This has gone off topic somewhat, all I was originally pointing out was that the guy might well be genuinely sorry and wanting to make amends. However it seems the pitchforks are out and he's labelled a child abuser straight out of the gate.

A) You clearly dont have kids

B) Your views belong in the 19th century

C) You are defending someone, unrelated to the child, hitting that child so hard he had to go to hospital. For this alone your opinions are null and void.

I suggest you leave the thread and go read www.1920sparenting.com.

 

[JustBen]

This is why there are so many a-hole kids around nowadays. Parents should be able to hit their children if they're doing wrong (obviously not beating the living crap out of them, but a good solid slap / smack).

Maybe the guy is sincerely sorry and did overreact out of character. Or should anyone that has one instance of violence be locked away for good?

Also, why didn't you make your relationship work with your partner, for the sake of your child?

Not sure if some of the post is baiting.. but hey ho

Parents i believe are allowed to smack their children (not someone elses) on the proviso it does not leave a mark. i maybe wrong on this though. Personally i've never had to hit him, never wanted or got close to. He's well behaved with me and if he does play up i hardly have to raise my voice .

the guy maybe genuinely sorry and heck he probs will be however would you take the risk he wouldn't do it again with your child?

The relationship didn't work, it happens. We tried and made the decison to go our seperate ways after a little over 10 years together.

 

[Gabbatek]

social worker said they wanted the kid to live with you while all this was going on

you should go for full custody

 

[Calpol]

I wouldn't really solicit advice on this matter in an internet forum. Get some proper legal advice. You owe that to your son but be prepared for things to get very, very difficult with your ex and consider the impact that might have on your lad. The legal system it seems is biased towards mothers and probably with good reason so I suspect that gaining custody will not be easy but hopefully you will find a way of securing the best result for your lad.

 

[Washout]

These council workers are always whining about staffing levels, resources, pay, stress, whatever. There are countless cases in the UK, well publicised where the social workers are screaming apologies for deaths where relatives, the police, even the kids themselves are telling them there are serious issues, yet they have done nothing constructive. their care of the elderly is similarly lacking. Jobsworths, in my experience, hiding behind legislation, constantly complaining. Teachers are no better, they have often failed to get involved where the cruelty to a child in their care is manifestly obvious, but as you rightly say, they put covering their lazy arses first.


Here's a few to post apologies for, sadly it won't help them now.... Sorry the list is *SO* long, it'll take a while to plough through it.

https://theukdatabase.com/uk-child-...that-have-died-from-social-services-failures/

Did I mention Rotherham? If the perpetrators of the abuse are ethnics, God help the kids. Can't have them called racist, best to take the ostrich approach, rather than sully their precious careers.

Haven't read beyond this one as it just made my blood boil a little bit. Try walking a mile in their shoes before saying something so stupid.

 

[Bald-Eagle22]

So when you and your ex split was there a contact / custody order made through the courts ?

If not my virtue of the fact he is your son you have parental responsibility, if it was me I would simply pick him up from school and tell him your living with me now .

When the police rock up , and they will , simply tell them your ex has a man living with then who has a police caution for hitting your son .

They will make sure your son is ok with you and then walk away and tell your ex to start court proceedings and not you . Maybe this is the rocket up her backside she needs.

You owe this to your son and if it means a lifestyle change for the short term then so be it .

 

[Flubble]

if he's been arrested and had a police caution for hitting him it must have been bad, i'd go for full custody, the courts will see what's happened and she should have no chance of him living with her if she's still seeing that guy.

she sounds so selfish getting back with him, what's she thinking? "this man hits my son but it's ok because i want sex" ...

best of luck with what you decide to do and hope your son stays safe.

 

[Avenged7Fold]

This is why there are so many a-hole kids around nowadays. Parents should be able to hit their children if they're doing wrong (obviously not beating the living crap out of them, but a good solid slap / smack).

Maybe the guy is sincerely sorry and did overreact out of character. Or should anyone that has one instance of violence be locked away for good?

Also, why didn't you make your relationship work with your partner, for the sake of your child?

This is so ridiculous.

Disciplining does not involve physical injury. I was disciplined with 'smacks' as a child and NONE of it involved injury. Discipline is reinforced with consequence and if you grow up attesting the consequence to injury, then you will be an a-hole which will aim to inflict others with injury to correct them.

The reason why 'smacks' work is the reason why injuring does not gain anything, the effect is psychological; you cant beat the naughty out of someone but you can scare the naughty from them!

At what point do you think a bruising hit is appropriate for a young child?


I don't know why i didnt think of this earlier but i will share a true story about my nephew.

Spoiler

My nephew was in the same position as your son 15 years ago, except much younger. I will tell you a bit of my experience:

My Half-Brother split up with his Ex and she kept the child. She had got together with a nasty piece of work and when my nephew was about 3/4 years old, my half brother heard that he had been abused to the point of injury. When the guy found out my half brother heard, he went to 'explain' (give excuses) himself at work. This resulted in my bro flipping out and sending him to intensive care for 5 days as soon as he laid eyes on the guy who beat his toddler.

Police and social services got immediately involved. The ex did not want to split with the boyfriend and as it stood, it was going to end up with my bro getting charged for harming the bloke and the ex and her bf getting charged with something, with my nephew going to another family. Now i am not sure how this next part happened in a legal sense because i am pretty sure you cant just choose to not press charges or strike a deal like this on criminal cases but court cases resulted in my brother not getting prosecuted for beating the crap out of the guy on the condition that the guy and ex was not prosecuted for abuse AND that they were to be under a restraining order for my nephew.

Now this left my nephew with social services and no home, as my brother was single, did not have time due to his job or not the income without it, to look after a child. He was young and in all honesty, i respect that he knew he could not provide the kid with all he needed despite wanting to be involved in his life. In the end my auntie and uncle (who always wanted children but couldn't due to fertility issues) adopted him. This way, he stayed within the family, my brother could visit him all the time and my auntie and uncle could finally have a child of their own. It worked out pretty well considering.

End of the story, OT but interesting-ish:

He was given almost everything he wanted growing up (whether because my auntie/uncle finally had a child they wanted or whether it was because in their head it made up for his early life) and never remembered the incident. I will say though that my auntie/uncle was very overprotective and very much limited his freedom to go out and do stuff without supervision. He was never told about his early days, as it was not the sort of thing spoken about at family gatherings obviously. So 13 years later (he is 16) I go to a family party and walk to the shop to grab some smokes, of which he decides to come. I have always acted the cousin, since that would be my relation from a legal perspective due to my aunties adoption and it would make sense, since i am fairly young (much younger than my other real cousins). He turns to me on the way to the shop and starts with the question 'uncle?'. I sort of froze in place because i have never been called uncle and afaik, no one really told him i was not his cousin, though i was stupid to not imagine he would figure it out eventually. Anyway, the rest of the question was irrelevant (cheeky bugger asking me to buy him a pack of smokes) but i found out that though no one told him that my auntie and uncle were never his real parents though he had always sort of known since he pretty much always thought of my half brother as a father. He had also never met his mother.

A little under 2 years later (this year):

He had found his real mother on facebook and was mad no one told him she was nearby. She never cared much for him after the court case but he never knew that or about the incidents prior to the adoption. He decided to run away to meet her and ended up staying there for some time. My auntie/uncle did not know where he was and phoned social services as is procedure. They found out where he was a little later but due to him going to his mum, her restraining order was not being broken.

At this point everyone has been put in a difficult position. Tell him what happened now and it only looks like you are making stuff up in desperation and manipulating him. Prove it and it would anger him, as he got angry and did a runner in the first place because they kept his mothers identity from him. It would only serve to push him further away and remove his real mother who recently came back to his life. Apparently the mother has changed for the better and has a handful of her own kids much younger than my nephew and imo, would be a shame to demonise her at this point in his life but at the same time, he should understand why he was adopted in the first place.

He has always looked up to me and we have been more mates than family when i see him. I cant help but feel that he should have been told about his adoption at a younger age (early teen) when he held suspicions but not gone into specifics why and left it at describing the ex and the bf as 'not nice people'. At this point in time, telling him or not telling him will make things worse before it gets better. It is not my place to tell him and while i believe it should be at least partly my half brothers decision, the responsibility in telling him who is who and who has done what should have been up to my auntie/uncle as they were bringing him up and would have to deal with he consequences more so than everyone else.