Relationships

Was supposed to be getting married in roughly 4 weeks time, but that relationship ended about 2 months or so ago. That was my longest relationship yet, 6 years! Since then, I have got a few girls numbers and such, but at this moment in time, it will take something special to get my full attention. Just want a break from it for atleast another month or two!
 
sports_brah said:
See this is just stupid talk, and in my opinion why there are so many unhappy people today.
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Nope, its not. England already has one of the highest rates of divorce and single parents due to failed relationships in the Europe, maybe in the world.

Early to mid 20's is a ridiculous age to get married or have kids. You can get married at any age, kids, yeah not so much so. Alx is right, too many people rush in marriage etc, without having the life experience first, growing up, focusing on getting a good career together. Instead they fall into the "Disney Princess, happy ever after lie." When in reality, it doesn't always work out like that.

Look at how many people are in their 40s and maybe on their 2nd or 3rd marriage. Its crazy, as if they are trying to live upto what the British society expects them to do.

And for the people in this thread who still are friends with their ex's with kids even though they are no longer together, all you deserve a massive high five :) Not many can do that, I know NONE of my friends have.
 
These posts are both spot on in elements of what they say. There seem to be a lot of people on this forum particularly who are almost angrily anti-relationship. But the answer in the end is - different people need different things.

If you've found a 'soul mate' at the age of 20, you shouldn't be throwing it away because you're 'too young to settle down'. But equally you shouldn't be convincing yourself that the person you spend most of your time rowing with is your soul mate because you're afraid of dying alone!


sports_brah said:
See this is just stupid talk, and in my opinion why there are so many unhappy people today.

People are indoctrinated with this belief that they must sleep around, that the best is always around the corner.

Reality is that you could well have met the best person, that maybe when you get to the age of OP, everyone already has children/baggage.

My experience of people at university is that most of the excellent "catches" are already starting to get engaged/married.

And why not? If you meet the right person, why toss it all away to look for unknown quantities?
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alx said:
On the flip side I do think people sometimes rush into marriage in the early/mid twenties and just end up getting divorced 5-10 years later (obviously not a hard and fast rule).

My personal opinion is that people are still 'growing up' (so to speak) in their twenties and they can end up changing/having different priorities by the time they reach 30.
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Ayahuasca said:
Out of interest if you don't mind what happened?
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For the past 3 years or so, she has been living away from home for University (she lives in Liverpool, I live in Northern Ireland). Due to me trying to pay off the wedding and working more or less every hour god sent, time off for me was few and far between. So about 2 months or so ago, I got a text saying she hadn't sleep and I asked was she worried about the wedding - to which she replied, something like that. Alarm bells go off, I ring her, and she is completely hysterical, so I tell her to decide whether if it was worth it to her or not.

She decided no, citing that she had struggled with it for a few months, and wasn't sure if she even loved me anymore. It cut like a fricking knife, but you know what, I respect her for it. I couldn't have done it. We swore we would still be friends (hasn't happened, does it ever really?), but I still think about her and wish her nothing but luck. She changed my life, when we first met I was in a dark place (alcohol and drug abuse, literally spent all my wages on these two every month), and she got me through that and give me something to strive for.

Like I say, it will take someone special to make me want to do it all again lol
 
I don't believe in lifelong happiness, I'm too much a perfectionist. I reckon you can get a good 10 years maybe but after that it's more about convenience than anything - No unhappy but you could be happier with someone else like.

Odds of being compatible until the day you die? Crazy slim.
 
malachi said:
Nope, its not. England already has one of the highest rates of divorce and single parents due to failed relationships in the Europe, maybe in the world.

Early to mid 20's is a ridiculous age to get married or have kids. You can get married at any age, kids, yeah not so much so. Alx is right, too many people rush in marriage etc, without having the life experience first, growing up, focusing on getting a good career together. Instead they fall into the "Disney Princess, happy ever after lie." When in reality, it doesn't always work out like that.

Look at how many people are in their 40s and maybe on their 2nd or 3rd marriage. Its crazy, as if they are trying to live upto what the British society expects them to do.

And for the people in this thread who still are friends with their ex's with kids even though they are no longer together, all you deserve a massive high five :) Not many can do that, I know NONE of my friends have.
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Look at the stats on people divorcing.

The figures are driven up enormously by a contingent that keep getting divorced.

The rates for young university educated people of a certain calibre is substantially lower.


The happiest and most fulfilled marriages I know are people who married at a reasonable age and built their lives together.

The unhappiest people I know are those who have slept around and really played the field.


Not to mention issues like kids. Having kids earlier rather than later allows for a full development of life (if kids floats your boat) rather than two people struggling to have them in their 30's and lacking the energy to look after them. :/
 
RELATIONSHIPS YAY!!!

So I just got back from spending nearly a week in Nice, Monoco, and Cannes wining and dining with some horribly wealthy people. Met a gorgeous girl out there, part time model, (looks like Effy from Skins) and she asked if I wanted to meet up with her in London the day after I flew back.

Turns out she had booked a 5* hotel in Chelsea for us for a few days, and we arrived to multiple bottles of champaign. The last few days I've felt like the male equivalent of Alice from wonderland.

What a bloody whirlwind!! (Also, punching waaaaaaaaaay above my weight!)

Yes this is a brag post. A brag post of the highest proportion. My life is much better than yours.
 
I think this graph is quite telling, the data isn't the most up to date but I can't imagine the trends have changed hugely.

At the end of the day the younger you get married the more likely you are to divorce (statistically speaking).

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To all the people who say "I have no interest in marriage or kids" well of course you don't....you haven't met anyone you wanted to marry or have children with!

I was exactly the same, you can't understand it until you find yourself in that place. I was nowhere near mature enough for marriage in my 20s.
 
I am your age and most of my friends either settled down in the 20s or are not married. Not many getting married in our age bracket.
 
sports_brah said:
Look at the stats on people divorcing.

The figures are driven up enormously by a contingent that keep getting divorced.

The rates for young university educated people of a certain calibre is substantially lower.


The happiest and most fulfilled marriages I know are people who married at a reasonable age and built their lives together.

The unhappiest people I know are those who have slept around and really played the field.


Not to mention issues like kids. Having kids earlier rather than later allows for a full development of life (if kids floats your boat) rather than two people struggling to have them in their 30's and lacking the energy to look after them. :/
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Apart from my best mate, who has been with this now wife for 10 years. All the people I know who got married or had kids in their early to mid 20's. Are now separated or divorced, some of us hit 30 years of age last year or this year. Most are sleeping around and their reason, they are playing catch up because they got committed too young and missed out on their younger years (midlife crisis waiting to happen perhaps!?!?)

True about having kids in our 30's but if people take the time and effort to look after themselves and live a healthier life style in their 30's then it is just as easy to have kids as it would be in their early 20's. Just unfortunately as a nation people in the UK are getting fattier and unhealthier due to bad life style choices. Therefore having kids later on in life more difficult.
 
I've seen a lot of messages on here of people who don't want kids but want the long term relationship.

Are there any OCUK'ers that are 30+ who have been with someone since their early 20's and their partners are still okay with the 'no kids' thing?
 
I've been split with my wife of 4 years, for 8 months. We had a child together, and were together for 5 years before we got married.

I must admit, it wasn't the age thing (married at 25), but I just was never truly happy and after my daughter was born it got worse. She turned in to a controlling bully and effectively made my life hell.

Long story short.. I'm now with a girl I've known since I was 10. We were very close throughout primary school (my first girlfriend; d'awww :D), and lived in the same neighbourhood, but we both spent the last 15 years of our lives doing our own thing, so lost that regular contact.

We've exchanged texts over the years, but purely from a friendly "hey, how's it going?" point of view but never anything more because we were both in a relationship.

Since meeting her I've realised that she's the person I want to be with..she's the person I should have been with! I'd go so far as to say that every time I've seen her I've not wanted it to end, and she's as much a friend as a partner.

I'm the happiest I've been and whilst it's difficult (due to my baggage), she's been amazing. I think it's proof that you can make things work if you love someone, even when the deck is stacked against you.
 
I am in a similar situation - split from the lady I thought was the "one" (and who I had 13+ years and 2 beautiful children with) for a variety of reasons, but unhappiness/frustration being chief among them.

In a strange situation where we are trying to work things out, but the past, man the past is a bugger and no mistake. Don't regret the relationship, and can't regret the kids (best things in my life no doubt). Just know that I do not want to go back to the old ways and trying to figure out if we can actually make something different from a second chance.
 
alx said:
I think this graph is quite telling, the data isn't the most up to date but I can't imagine the trends have changed hugely.

At the end of the day the younger you get married the more likely you are to divorce (statistically speaking).
Click to expand...


No unexpected: with age comes realism. And at old age, death comes before divorce...
 
Spursingham said:
I've seen a lot of messages on here of people who don't want kids but want the long term relationship.

Are there any OCUK'ers that are 30+ who have been with someone since their early 20's and their partners are still okay with the 'no kids' thing?
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Yes. I was always brutally truthful, and said I didn't want kids, but that I might change my mind in the future. In fact I said I wanted to feel like I wanted kids at some point, but it never happened. We both decided that it was such a big thing, we had to both be on board with the idea of having kids, it was something we had to both want.

(Female) friends of hers just told her to "accidentally" get pregnant, but she's too good of a person to do that, and she knows me well enough to realise it would freak me out with dire concsequnces. She had one occasion in the past where she had tried to manipulate me to get a major life choice to go the way she wanted. She painted me into a corner, and instead I pushed the big red button. It didn't end well for either of us, and I'm pretty surprised we managed to move past it. She got what she wanted in the end, but the price she paid for it (in relationship terms) was far, far higher than she expected, and she's never tried that again with me.

After a while, the GF (now wife) realised that she didn't really want kids either. She felt the societal pressure, but having been around the kids of friends and relatives, she realised what a time sink, and a pain they can be. She doesn't have the patience, and likes her freedom to choose what she wants her life to be as much as she can.

So we're not having kids, and whilst there may be some regrets about the paths we didn't take, we know we chose other things instead. We know that we wanted to feel that we wanted kids, but that we didn't actually feel that way. We couldn't in good conscience bring kids into the world that neither one or both of us really wanted to put the necessary time, patience and effort into.
 
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