Relationships

Steampunk said:
Yes. I was always brutally truthful, and said I didn't want kids, but that I might change my mind in the future. In fact I said I wanted to feel like I wanted kids at some point, but it never happened. We both decided that it was such a big thing, we had to both be on board with the idea of having kids, it was something we had to both want.

(Female) friends of hers just told her to "accidentally" get pregnant, but she's too good of a person to do that, and she knows me well enough to realise it would freak me out with dire concsequnces. She had one occasion in the past where she had tried to manipulate me to get a major life choice to go the way she wanted. She painted me into a corner, and instead I pushed the big red button. It didn't end well for either of us, and I'm pretty surprised we managed to move past it. She got what she wanted in the end, but the price she paid for it (in relationship terms) was far, far higher than she expected, and she's never tried that again with me.

After a while, the GF (now wife) realised that she didn't really want kids either. She felt the societal pressure, but having been around the kids of friends and relatives, she realised what a time sink, and a pain they can be. She doesn't have the patience, and likes her freedom to choose what she wants her life to be as much as she can.

So we're not having kids, and whilst there may be some regrets about the paths we didn't take, we know we chose other things instead. We know that we wanted to feel that we wanted kids, but that we didn't actually feel that way. We couldn't in good conscience bring kids into the world that neither one or both of us really wanted to put the necessary time, patience and effort into.
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This is a pretty concise summary of how I feel about it all.
 
nightrider1470 said:
This is exactly like me to a T.... All though I would like to meet someone.

My X of 4 years used to make me so Alien For wanting and keeping a good relationship with my daughters Mum, it caused the breakup with us in the end as she got so obsessed being negative about her.

I just wanted other peoples views to see if other people still kept close bonds with their daughters mothers. Obviously 9 years with her she knows the true me and is there For me.

The problem is finding someone stable enough who can except it for what it is. Maybe a women similar position would work better
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This is commendable but it would be difficult for the 'new woman' to accept this tbh

I used to struggle with the idea of my partner and his ex (the mother of his daughter) - a lot - and they don't have a close relationship. We have been together 4 years this June and they were together for 5 years.

It was very hard in the beginning as I was the 'other woman' but it made it easier cause his ex is not the nicest of people and is a little unhinged, so I was 'the other lovelier woman' lol

Problem with your set up is that you and your ex are really close and are good friends. A new partner for you will feel like she has to compete with the perfect ex. You were married, you had the house, you had the baby...what can your new partner offer to you which you don't already have - bar the sexy time which you can get from any one night stand? And this is the question which any new partner for you would have.

It would take a hell of a woman to be able to be in your life and accept your ex as your ex and not as someone who fulfills 90% of your requirements for a relationship
 
The problem is always the emotional closeness. If you get on really well with your ex, you have children in common, you know each other so well and continue to share an emotional bond.... well where is a new partner going to fit into that? How are they going to have that emotional relationship with you, if that space and time is already taken up by the ex?
 
Steampunk said:
The problem is always the emotional closeness. If you get on really well with your ex, you have children in common, you know each other so well and continue to share an emotional bond.... well where is a new partner going to fit into that? How are they going to have that emotional relationship with you, if that space and time is already taken up by the ex?
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The answer to that is, they dont.

I know this because I am in that situation, my other half and I have been together for 3 years, however she was with her husband before then for 24 years. They had 3 kids together, family, great times, house etc etc. She never wanted to lose him, it was his choice. They are still on decent terms and if something crops up which is his specialist subject which she needs help with, she still turns to him. She still loves him but of course cares for me, yet I know that no matter how nice a guy I am, how kind, how generous, how caring, how loving..that I will never mean to her what he did/does. Yet I try like mad to achieve that, sometimes I try so hard that I have downperiods where I am worn out from trying. But thats the situation and I accept it because of my own feelings.
 
Sometimes it is to be frank, at times it does leave you wondering what the point is in being the generous kind caring nice guy but I suppose you cant help who you love
 
Tombstone said:
The answer to that is, they dont.

I know this because I am in that situation, my other half and I have been together for 3 years, however she was with her husband before then for 24 years. They had 3 kids together, family, great times, house etc etc. She never wanted to lose him, it was his choice. They are still on decent terms and if something crops up which is his specialist subject which she needs help with, she still turns to him. She still loves him but of course cares for me, yet I know that no matter how nice a guy I am, how kind, how generous, how caring, how loving..that I will never mean to her what he did/does. Yet I try like mad to achieve that, sometimes I try so hard that I have downperiods where I am worn out from trying. But thats the situation and I accept it because of my own feelings.
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The only solution is for the person to break with their ex. If they have kids, they talk about decisions that affect the kids, but otherwise they keep the relationship to a minimum in order to let the new relationship flourish.

How would your GF feel if your first port of call for any kind of emotional support or advice was your ex? Not good I suspect, but women are allowed to throw a strop about it, but men just have to suck it up.

Your GF may still love her ex - but he threw her away (presumably for someone else), and she still would have him back in a heartbeat. Their continued close relationship ensures that will never change, and her (and your) current relationship suffers for it.
 
I know many on here will probably shoot me down for saying this (me being in my 30s) but this is the reason why I don't date women with kids as Ive been there a few times in the past having no kids of my own. Physical and emotion baggage is not healthy.

No matter how much you love the person, that special bond they had with their ex due to having kids with them will always been there. You cant replace that. Having kids with your partner wont fix it either because they have been there and done that....so what could you bring different to that relationship?!?!! Probably nothing at all which makes if difficult.
 
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malachi said:
I know many on here will probably shoot me down for saying this (me being in my 30s) but this is the reason why I don't date women with kids as Ive been there a few times in the past having no kids of my own. Physical and emotion baggage is not healthy.
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Everyone's got baggage. You can't live a life without it. It's just a question of how you carry it, and if you let it affect your future.
 
People are too quick to settle down. I think if i could rewind i would relax and have a ten year relationship 21-31 and then do kids and marriage by 35. At least when you are 30 and decide to split you can do it without the mess of divorce and kids.

I would not want to be going over 34 and still be on the hunt though. It sort of cuts it tight on the options unless you marry someone younger. Which would probably be the route i would take i would make a second attempt but it seems two is all you would get before you go grey and IVF. This is why there is little point in ignoring personality red flags early or people who simply want someone else.



Get out there and if you are still single well so be it you can buy multiple 4K displays, Titans and go X99 ;)
 
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met a lass from plenty a fish, found out she had a kid. i was gone.
kid died, so i went back to comfort her... 3 years later im happy as can be.
she could lose a few though.
im joking
her kid got took off her really ;)
 
Dunno...

I enjoy going out banging the guns too much hitting up woman to be bothered playing house with a "special" girl (which only exists in films mind... you can have 3 special girls on the go at once)*Shrugs*
 
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