rik mayall

Drop Dead Fred is always a winnor in my book... snotnose! :p

"Dog poo, dog poo, lovely lovely dog poo... all along the chair...etc"
 
Kevin Turvey said:
Guess what happened to me today? You never will. Not in a million years! So I suppose I’ll have to talk about something else. Uh, no, I’ll tell you anyway. I had the wrong newspaper delivered. It was this morning, see, normally I get Smash Hits, right, but today—no, I do, I’ve been there—today, they sent me the Record Miller. It’s amazing the things that happen, isn’t it? I expect the next thing to happen to be something like that they’ll give me a bottle of Vimto instead of a bottle of milk or something like that. Really crackers like that. I tell you what, that’d make your cornflakes taste a bit, um, Vimtoey, wouldn’t it? Well, unless you was having Cocoa Pops or something like that, you know. Or boiled eggs. Well, your boiled eggs ain’t much like Cocoa Pops, are they? Well, they’re rounder, really, and more eggy-like, you know. And you don’t get chickens out of Cocoa Pops. Well, not unless you’re hallucinating or something like that. Anyway, it’s never happened to me. About the nearest thing to it that has happened, right, is that I once met a bloke who claimed to be a milkman. Well, that’s not much like it at all, really. He could have been lying, anyway. I mean, people do. I mean, like, I had my legs amputated yesterday, and that’s a lie. Quite a good lie, actually. I probably could make quite a lot of money with that lie. I could do with quite a lot of money. Well, I spent all mine on an ice cream, you see. See, ’cause, like, about half an hour ago, before this, I was hanging around because I had about half an hour to kill, right. And I thought, I can either go up to the bar, get a few drinks down me, you know, but I thought, “No, I’m always doing that,” you know, and it takes ages to get me anorak dry again. It’s just a waste of time, really. Besides which, I’m trying to avoid the Redditch Sunrises, you know. That’s this drink I’ve invented. It’s a cocktail, actually. It’s very sophisticated and very easy to make. It’s, um, a bottle of Tia Maria, which you pour into a pint glass, right, and mix in an ice cube to taste. Well it’s a taste Tia Maria basically. You gotta watch it though; I had three of them last Wednesday. I ended up having eaten an entire tablecloth. I woke up in the morning inside the fridge. I’d written a complete novel on the inside of the ice box. It was a very good novel, actually, but I had to defrost the fridge to get my finger back, you know, and bang went the novel. Well, drip drip went the novel, actually, you know. So I thought, “No, I’ll steer clear of it, and I’ll have an ice cream instead. That’ll kill half an hour.” So I went up to the woman, right, I said, “I’ll have an ice cream, please.” And she said, “Oh, yeah.” I said, “Yeah, I’ll have an ice cream, please.” She said, “Well, you probably better go up the canteen then.” I said, “Whatcha mean?” She said, “This is the ladies’ lavatory.” So I said, “Oh, right, okay then, right,” and I went up to the canteen. I went up to the woman there—it’s a different woman, you know. Well, it could’ve been the same woman, but she would have had to run very fast up the corridor and do some pretty snappy plastic surgery, you know. No, I don’t think she can have done that, you know. Well, I would have noticed the surgeons coming out, you know. Oh, no, I think it was a completely new woman. Well, she was about 45, but you know what I mean, anyway. (Cut to a rhino grazing.) Get them rhinos out of here! (Cut back to Kevin.) Pesky things. I can’t remember what I was saying now. Uh, now I’m losing the atmosphere. Um, uh, knock, knock! (Audience replies: “Who’s there?”) Ah, you’ve heard it. Uh, well, anyway, this week I’ve been investigating them nasty little sticky things that you stick things to walls with, right. And what I’ve discovered is if you eat a whole packet of ’em, it sticks your teeth together for four days! So my tip of the week is: if you’re gonna eat a whole packet of them things before a conversation, and it’ll stick your teeth together for four days, then that’s a really bad idea. Alright, so until next week, this is Kevin Turvey, you know, just sitting here in this chair. Goodnight!
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http://www.freewebs.com/kevinturvey/index.htm
 
* Lady in cemetary wheeling a corpse * ' Do you dig graves ? '

Neil ' Yeah, yeah they're alright yeah. '
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hahahaha that was a classic!

some of my favourites:

NEIL: But it was an accident, Rick! [sobs] I just looked at it and it blew up, Rick! But there's still some on the walls! Maybe we can save some of that. Get some portions together for supper, then.

---

NEIL: Darling Fascist Bully Boy, give me some more money, you b******. May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil.

aka BOOMSHANKA!
 
MehulLakhani said:
Google is your friend . . . .

But seeing as we are on the subject . . . . . lets think of some classic Bottom quotes . . . . .

:)
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eddie: still... at least we got the duck...
richie: the duck?
eddie: yup the duck
richie: eddie... what in the name of greek *******, is the use of a plastic duck?
eddie: it floats.... in the bath...
richie: but why!?
eddie: its hollow!
richie: WHY THE DUCK!
eddie: it came free... with the tele!
richie: everything came free with the tele... WE WERE LOOTING! why didn't you get a free tele with the tele?!?
eddie: WELL IT WOULD SINK THE BATH!!


:D
love bottom, got all the series of DVD, and all the live shows (1, 2, 3: Hooligan's Island, 2001 an Arse Oddicy and 2004 Weapons Grade Y-Fronts) on video... i really hope they do another live show/tour... but with new material :(
2004's first half was great, the second half was just older material used in different ways... still funny, and good to see them going back to their Young Ones jokes... but not what i expected :(
 
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