Separated. Financial advice

If you took a loan out that was for the both of you I would be demanding she repay half. She hasn't threatened you with your child and the request for half the payment isn't unreasonable.

If she did get unreasonable bringing your child into it then I'd bring the deeds to her parents place into it. You shouldn't feel you can't get what is morally right or allow her to hold you to ransom.
 
i just went on the govenmnet site and it doesn indeed appear i am paying a little more than i am required to. i wull be having him once a week and every other weekend.

the website stated i should pay only £34 a week. i just called her to let her know and she went ape ****. saying i dont have my priorities right etc etc and that how she was having to look after our son and had no social life etc.

shes obviously trying to guilt trip me. and its worked to a point.
 
Be careful about stoking up the ill feeling too much, particularly after being psyched up by some of the advice in this thread. Having a good, functioning relationship with your son's mother is probably more important than a few quid (obviously there's a limit to that).
 
Nodiggidy123 said:
i just went on the govenmnet site and it doesn indeed appear i am paying a little more than i am required to. i wull be having him once a week and every other weekend.

the website stated i should pay only £34 a week.
Click to expand...

I'm pleased you have looked at that, as even if it's only a small saving - every bit helps. I assume you don't have any previous legal agreements saying you will pay more? (as depending on what they are e.g. court order then they would need to be adhered to, or re-discussed)

Assuming you are not dealing via the CSA, and are dealing with it amongst yourselves, as long as you are keeping a record of when payments are made (and e.g. print the recommendation from the government website for reference), I don't see that there can be any comeback for reducing payments - you are still paying what is legally required.

Nodiggidy123 said:
i just called her to let her know and she went ape ****. saying i dont have my priorities right etc etc and that how she was having to look after our son and had no social life etc.

shes obviously trying to guilt trip me. and its worked to a point.
Click to expand...

As hard as it may be, you have to try and keep things factual and to the point (i.e. don't let emotions get involved in decisions).

If it helps though, look at it from your view - the money you save by reducing maintenance payments, gives you more money to spend on your son either directly, or indirectly by helping you pay off your debts and get your own place.
 
Nodiggidy123 said:
the website stated i should pay only £34 a week. i just called her to let her know and she went ape ****. saying i dont have my priorities right etc etc and that how she was having to look after our son and had no social life etc.
Click to expand...


Rinse and repeat for the next 15 years or so of your life. Been paying way over the odds for over a decade, see my boys whenever I can ( or now that they are in their teens, whenever they don't have other plans) and every time I don't agree to their mothers every demand that's exactly the response I get.
 
Nodiggidy123 said:
i just went on the govenmnet site and it doesn indeed appear i am paying a little more than i am required to. i wull be having him once a week and every other weekend.

the website stated i should pay only £34 a week. i just called her to let her know and she went ape ****. saying i dont have my priorities right etc etc and that how she was having to look after our son and had no social life etc.

shes obviously trying to guilt trip me. and its worked to a point.
Click to expand...

There's an easy response to that, which gets them every time.

"If it's that hard for you, then how about he moves in with me and you can see him when it's convenient for you?"

No matter how much she tries to make you feel like she's the one making all the sacrifices and getting hard-done-by, just remember that you are the one who's missing out on the time with your son.

I would just tell her that as it was a joint loan, you need to temporarily reduce what you're paying her so that you can get it paid off.
 
Tell her that if she is struggling for money with the payments you are required to give, she can request of you to purchase stuff for your child to help contribute. If she thinks that you have more to give, correct her with a breakdown of expenses.
 
Haggisman said:
There's an easy response to that, which gets them every time.

"If it's that hard for you, then how about he moves in with me and you can see him when it's convenient for you?"

.
Click to expand...

i actually said exactly that and the response i got was "your not taking my son away from me"

as hasrsh it it sounds... she left me, i begged her to stay but she wouldnt and now she is complaining.
 
Its okay to take your son away from you but not her son away from her :rolleyes:. It is a shame that this generally tends to be still the view of the law.

Surely she knows your expenses and knows you do not have much more to give?
 
its catch 22. she thinks while im at my parents and have little outgoings.. i should give her more.

ive pointed out to het that she left me and is expected to fend for herself now.
 
Last edited:
Nodiggidy123 said:
i actually said exactly that and the response i got was "your not taking my son away from me"

as hasrsh it it sounds... she left me, i begged her to stay but she wouldnt and now she is complaining.
Click to expand...

That's always the way, they want the freedom of being single along with the benefits of a cashpoint/free babysitter by way of the father.

This is unfortunately one of those situations where you either need to assert yourself now, at the start, or accept the fact that until your son turns 18 you're going to be stuck pandering to your ex's whims, because once she realises she can manipulate you to get her own way, she'll just keep doing it.

I know it's hard because you don't want to jeopardise your contact with your son.

If you still have a relatively civil relationship, then it might be worth meeting her face to face and trying to have a proper chat about it. Explain that while you want to help her/provide for your son as much as possible, if you don't look after yourself as well then you're going to be in no position to do that.

If she's not willing to listen to reason, then tell her that you're left with no choice but to reduce your payment to the legal minimum, as you need the rest to pay the court fees to get visitation rights.
 
She left you, you had to move out of the house... sounds fair. I'd be rocking up and sleeping on the sofa until the end of the rental agreement so you can spend time with your son.
 
Steeps said:
She left you, you had to move out of the house... sounds fair. I'd be rocking up and sleeping on the sofa until the end of the rental agreement so you can spend time with your son.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't, purely because that's going to create a horrible environment for your son to live in :(
 
Cannot believe Men let themselves get into these situations, why the hell did you take the loan purely out in your name if it was for both of you? And now she's going mad because you're reducing her maintenance? Tell her you're paying off her Loan for her and if you can't afford a place to live her son's going to have a pretty poor relationship with his Father
 
I wouldn't tell her that, she'll probably play off the weakness.

The mistake has been made now, no point playing games and wasting more of your time which could be put to better use.
 
to be honest ill just get on a pay it off. i could go after her but with the year ive had so far im not bothered with the hassle.

be the best dad i can be, get the debt paid in 15 months and look to increase my earnings potential is my plan.
 
Last edited:
Roar87 said:
No I've been in a relationship for 5 years, no kids
Click to expand...

Good, good... do the gene pool a favour and keep it that way :D

Seriously though, your comment is pretty insulting to OP and when you are ignorant of the circumstances, you cant make those sort of judgements. I dont see how your criticism of OP is helpful, especially without the experience of being in a relationship where a kid is involved.

Mistake made or not, it is unnecessary.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom