Splitting Up with Misses

[AthlonTom]

Today is the day I plan on splitting up with my Girlfriend, now I still like her and and don't want to see her upset in anyway, in fact I still love her. But its not fair on her to keep going out with her if I know that its just not going to work. I tried to do this a month ago, but whenever I see her start to cry or anything I just want to comfort her.

So I've decided I'm going to do it over the phone, I'm away with work at the moment and won't be returning home for a couple of months. I know its a rubbish thing to do on the phone but:

A: I'm not capable in person in this case
B: She'll get a couple of months where theres no chance of her bumping into me which will probably be better for her anyways.

I've put £30 on my phone in preparation and I'm dedicating this evening to it (tis a plan). I'm planning just to explain all this on the phone to her in plain and simple english and then hoping for the best.

Just posting to get a handle on this from some other perpectives.

Cheers

Tom

 

[AthlonTom]

Been together around a year, were both 22. We first started goin out when we were 16 but split up and didnt see each other for 3 years while I went to Uni.

My typical week starts on Sunday evening, I have a 3 hour drive into London, check into the hotel and then work long hours Monday to Friday, due to traffic I get home about 10 on friday nights. I then get no time to do the things I need to do, no beer, I always have to drive, no smoking, I can't listen to the music I like and her idea of a good weekend is shopping and spending time in bed.
I've got no objections to spending time in bed but after being away all week with very little time thats not been spent facing a customer or sat in front of a PC. I don't get the opportunity I need to unwind - on my own, or at least with someone who has similar interests.

She's also very insecure, doesn't like being left alone and generally seems to cry if I'm late home from work/whenever I leave for work on Sundays.

Finacially I can't conform to her plans of buying a house and still buy the car I want. Which I know seems totally rediculess, but I worked really hard for my job and cosistantly put in a lot of effort. Only to see the cash I earn to do the things I want to do (holidays/festivals/cars) disapear before my eyes.

Make sense or am I a selfish ****?

 

[AthlonTom]

Then she doesn't deserve to have it finished over the phone.

Then I've got to lie to her until I see her (which won't be for bloody ages)!!!

 

[AthlonTom]

Selfish, but if your not happy then it should end, i just think your a wuss for doing it over the phone

KaHn

I don't think its selfish actually now I've thought about it, at 22 I should have money to do what I want to do, I don't want to be the one paying all the rent, all the bills, all the shopping, all the meals, do all the driving, put fuel in her car etc.

And on top of that - I have to spend my weekends in Next/H&M

 

[AthlonTom]

i think only you can answer how she will take it by asking yourself how would you feel if she split with you over the phone...

i think everyone deserves a face to face "its over" conversation...

is there no way you can resolve the current issues? is she away of the several reasons i.e. buying house and not buying your car and other reasons influencing your decisions?

have you spoken to her about the way you would like to spend the weekend when you get back from a hectic week?

if its really really what you want i would say at least do it to her face...

there is no problem in wanting the things you mentioned, its just that when two people "relate" you have to learn to compromise i.e. sometimes go shopping with her, buy some of the things you want and not all similarly only if she is willing to meet you half way and compromise some of her dreams i.e. buying a house etc...

if you really want to end it i really do think as you have a lot of history to sit her down...

am keen on a personal note to find out whether you have spoken with her about the things that "make you want to end your relationship with her" ???

I've discussed most of this at length with her, she just sits there, grumbles and then carries on with how she wants to spend her weekend.

I do realise the phone is not perfect, but I still think its better than lying to her for the next few months until I see her.

As for whether I'd want to be dumped by phone, I'd rather just know to honest. Job done: Move On: Etc!

In terms of compromising on material goods, I do realise that this is the way relationships should work but I think she's to material herself to make it work, she ensures that I have no choice in my purchases. I think that if we were onto a winner she would have already realised its not fair to extinguish someone elses lifestyle just to have the lifestyle she wants.

To me a balanced relationship would be with a partner who contributed not an equal quantity of cash to the "Living Expences pot" but at least contributed what they could afford to contribute. Rather than just Nothing

 

[AthlonTom]

I'm confused...

Does she not have a job? (dont tell me she's a student lol)
Do you not already pay rent/bills?
Doesnt she have friends to go shopping with?

She sounds a little clingy to me, but again as I said you dont seem to have much time to spend with her anyway.

How long is it before you will see her next?

She has a job, and though I don't know her exact earnings I worked it out at around the national average sallary.
I recently moved back in with my parents to save some cash (which irritated her as she had to move back in with her folks to) and make the comute to work easier. I was going to buy a starter home or something similar and get myself a nice car. Now it looks like were buying a bloody mansion and I'll end up with a heap of junk on the drive. The whole reson for me buying a lowend property was to give me more money to save while maintaining a resonable disposable income, afterall - whats the point in a huge house when I'm not having kids anytime soon and the fact that I'll only be their 2 nights a week!

 

[AthlonTom]

If he's away with work now then there's no point in putting it off until he can speak to her in person, personally I think you're right to do it over the phone in these circumstances.

Face to face would always be best though, I've done it both ways and I'll tell you now the phone one was a lot easier but the girl got the idea and didn't pester me much. The face to face one.. well that took a good 4 hours of talking, arguing, her trying to hug me, then asking for "one last time" etc etc. Was hell and THEN she came back a couple of days later and we had to go through the whole thing again, just incase I'd changed my mind.

I got bored of talking about it and almost had to shove her out the door

I agree face to face is better - in fact I've never split up over the phone before. I split up with my fiancee of 2 years face to face, even though the wedding etc was all paid for - now that was hard!

 

[AthlonTom]

she will see you as a good catch as you take her shopping, pay for things etc, have you ever sat there and told her "no!"?

KaHn

I have - im currently holding the fact I have to get a big deposit for a house over her. Though I still have to meet her "Needs" she does doesn't get all her "Wants"

 

[AthlonTom]

So she can marry you, divorce you, and take the house?

LOL - I changed my death and severance form at work the other day, it now just gets split between 4 of my mates (in case I get hit by a bus before I can call her)

 

[AthlonTom]

I suppose its very hard for you guys to get only my side of the story and still be able to not think I'm a cretin.

In the last year, I've probably only been drunk twice, I've had to move out of a really lush serviced apartment, I've had to sell my personal car and not replace it, and I've gone from seeing my friends every weekend, street teaming for gigs and going to festivals/gigs most weekends to almost zero. though I see my friends every other week on average. And this is with a 40% payrise.

In ten years time what the hell is my life going to be like? I'll probably have realized someone else dream - but it won't be my own, thats no way to live, and what If kids come along?

I'm also the kind of person that typically does something once its decided, so now I've decided theres no way on gods green earth I can wait months of lying to her before I can tell her.

I think this might be the culmination of only being single for about 6 months in total since I was 16 - but all my other partners have typically been exceptionally cool / independent people (excluding ex fiancee), break ups with them have always been mutual, for work/uni/travelling/location perposes, with very little if any love lost, in fact I'm very close to most of them.

 

[AthlonTom]

You love her but you dont see a future with her?

You need to go away and think about this.



I'd be willing to bet that the reason you're not capable is that you are not being honest with yourself about what you feel/think

Love is not enough for everybody, I will be gutted on many levels its over. Being in love is awesome - but is it awesome enough to ultimately no realise your dreams? To many people it is, many people change the direction of their life and make very large changes to accomodate poeple they love - for them that love is worth the sacrifice.

I'm not making this big a change for love, if I do I'm even more stupid. (The exception to this is my brother)

 

[AthlonTom]

And by the you mean what, my opinion of this man is that he is a useless coward. Dumping his missus over the phone, shameful.

Well being as you don't know me and I'm not in a position to dump her face to face without lieing for months (cowardly in itself).

I'm all for other solutions?

Would you lie to the girl you love for two months - get home and split with her, which is pretty decietful and involve more lies.

Or would you call her and get it over with and give her a chance to get herself sorted while your not around.

 

[AthlonTom]

So let me get this straight.

You feel having a car nice car is more important than your girlfriend? Is that really what you think?

If so, then I have only one thing to say to you:

Nice one mate

Well I think you've missed some key points in you analysis

But I feel reasonable confident I'll be able to get my car by Christmas, in fact until the other week I didn't realise how much I miss tinkering with my own car (can't touch the company one at all, though its booked in for mapping on tuesday)

 

[AthlonTom]

Another problem arises if the car you're wanting to get is a Ford Ka.

Lotus Exige is the current leader and in budget.

 

[AthlonTom]

I think it depends on the relationship though surely? There's no problem in dumping someone via phone, text or even post it note, if it's a quick fling or something.

However a years worth of a relationship requires something a little more formal IMO.

I agree - but how can I lie to her for a few months? How is that in anyway more "noble"?

 

[AthlonTom]

My advice to AthlonTom if he's gonna do it over the phone is simply don't leave any doors open, be blunt and honest and don't string it on with heart-felt chats for the next x months until you might see her, don't prolong the agony after the inital break-up by having long heart-felt chats, tell her it's over and you have nothing more to say. Make her realise there isn't a glimmer of an open door, the relationship is finished and there's no chance of getting back together - that way she won't waste months of her life hoping that you'll have a change of heart and come knocking on her door one day with flowers, which later down the line she may even come to appreciate.

Sounds like a plan, she's an attractive girl from a wealthy family so I think she'll just start following up all the attention she gets when she goes out as opposed to ignoring it

 

[AthlonTom]

Hmm, can't say I'd want one of those, but whatever floats your boat

When you drive a relatively slow nasty palsticcy company car all week, nothing beats getting in a sports car at the weekend

Lotus is for me as I grew up round them, my dad used to take factory finnished cars and get them stripped and modified ready for the track, and hopefully he'll let me swap cars with him once in a while for a weekend or so

 

[AthlonTom]

Is there no way you can make the trip to tell her within the week or so, spend an evening to go talk to her? What is it you do as a job, it sounds way harsh.

I'm a consultant - but I'm theres a reasonable amount of change taking place within the business, working really hard for the last few months to cope with the changes and win us extra business. If I wanted to I could just do 9-5 everyday but it just doesn't seem right to get a job like this straight from uni and them not throw yourslef at it. I'm not under pressure from my boss to do what I do, but I can do it - and it seems more productive than sitting in a hotel in my evenings anyway.

 

[AthlonTom]

I think it's safe to say you can ignore a large portion of these do it to her face posts because they haven't paid any attention to the fact you're not going to see her.

I do think you could do with actually telling her exactly what you've posted here, and that all she does it make decisions for you, spend your money and so on.

Just tell her No and get a bit of a spine instead of just taking the easy way out and breaking up. You never know, this girl you apparantly love might change.....

On the other hand she might not, but if you love her like you say (I doubt it to be honest) then surely it's worth the effort?

Shes been treated like this all of her life - I honestly don't think shes got it in her to change, most of her friends are posh and protencious (sp?!!) and exactly the same way - luckily they all hate me with a passion though (I look a bit scruffy and alternative).

The financial compromises we've made so far have taken a long while to even get her to put up with never mind like.

 

[AthlonTom]

Can I have her number?

You wouldn't like her. She won't highfive for ****