Stopped from seeing or speaking to my son on his 9th birthday, today.
- Thread starter Vidar
- Start date
Soldato
- Joined
- 26 Apr 2004
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- 6,165
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- Wrexham
Hope you manage to get something sorted. Split with my ex a couple of years ago, and i've been lucky enough with her in that we agreed an exact 50/50 arrangement.
Not sure how well I'd cope with your situation
So while I have no practical advice to offer, as with others I wish you the best!
Not sure how well I'd cope with your situation
So while I have no practical advice to offer, as with others I wish you the best!I would be documenting this, in as much detail, with as much evidence as possible, so that when you're children are free from the control of your Ex, and able to think for themselves, they can form an objective opinion about her for themselves.
It's a shame that you miss out on their childhoods in the mean time. I can't imagine it. If anyone questioned all the bruises my 4 year old daughter gets (constantly falling over messing about, and generally having fun) I'd be locked up by the sounds of it!
It's a shame that you miss out on their childhoods in the mean time. I can't imagine it. If anyone questioned all the bruises my 4 year old daughter gets (constantly falling over messing about, and generally having fun) I'd be locked up by the sounds of it!
Hi Vidar, you're really being put through the grinder here. I read your post and you're doing what I was going to suggest. You're finally putting a stop to being the victim and now you're on the attack in the right way. She's built up a history and pattern of emotional abuse, using your children as weapons, using the police and social services, wasting their time and the courts time. Each time she's done this she's put a nail in her coffin.
If your solicitor is good, he'll be able to use this pattern of behavior to get full custody, and for the children's sake, I hope you get it. If full custody isn't successful, you need to ask the courts to put processes in place to stop her, so that if she does it again you have some sort of legal fallback to use against her.
Best of luck with it, I know missing birthday's feels like hell, but it all helps in the long run
Soldato
- Joined
- 7 Jul 2011
- Posts
- 4,418
- Location
- Cambridgeshire
Hey Vidar, I remember reading the threads you created in the past, I didn't comment as I didn't really have any experience to offer you. What I will say is this, you sound like a good man, and although it's probably going to be a hard path you're trying to do the right thing for your kids.
Good luck man.
Good luck man.
Sounds awful. Your ex clearly has significant mental health problems and require proper treatment.
Have you considered hiring a private investigator who can capture evidence of her REAL behaviour and then using this in your custody case?
Have you considered hiring a private investigator who can capture evidence of her REAL behaviour and then using this in your custody case?
Courts and social services have to take reports of abuse seriously and do what they think is best for the children.
Unfortunately abuse is hard to prove or disprove in many cases (kids pick up knocks and bruises all the time) and that makes the system easy to exploit by people like Vidar’s ex-partner.
That sounds both emotionally and mentally fatiguing. Your ex sounds like she wants to punish you with no thought to the best interests of your kids....really hope that things work out in your favour and perhaps she gets the help she clearly needs.
Best wishes for the future and hope it all works out.
Best wishes for the future and hope it all works out.
Soldato
- Joined
- 22 Feb 2014
- Posts
- 2,929
I'll be honest I am an extremely selfish person, and therefore ignore responding (and mostly reading) threads like this, like the plague.
I feel for you dude, I can't imagine what its like to be in your situation, and I hope I never end up like this, my missus swears that she completely disagrees with kids being used as weapons like this, but I could fully see her doing something like this if it all went Pete Tong.
I think its fair to say that the good will eventually prevail, it won't be an easy ride, for sure but the worse she behaves, the more Karma there will be to eventually smack her in the head.
Its extremely easy for me to sit her and say, stay calm and don't do anything stupid, but i know in your situation I would be going ape****.
Does she ever say anything out of order directly to you ?
Can you record her ?Do your kids tell you anything that can be used against her?
Can you reverse this game and start reporting her for things that she actually did ?
I feel for you dude, I can't imagine what its like to be in your situation, and I hope I never end up like this, my missus swears that she completely disagrees with kids being used as weapons like this, but I could fully see her doing something like this if it all went Pete Tong.
I think its fair to say that the good will eventually prevail, it won't be an easy ride, for sure but the worse she behaves, the more Karma there will be to eventually smack her in the head.
Its extremely easy for me to sit her and say, stay calm and don't do anything stupid, but i know in your situation I would be going ape****.
Does she ever say anything out of order directly to you ?
Can you record her ?Do your kids tell you anything that can be used against her?
Can you reverse this game and start reporting her for things that she actually did ?
The utterly frustrating thing is, I can honestly say that all of this is completely one sided.
When I finally left, it wasn't under the best of circumstances naturally, then how could it be when someone has been physically and emotionally abusing you for years. She tried playing nice for all of five minutes until she realised that I'd finally been pushed too far and that I wouldn't under any circumstances be coming back. It's a funny kind of sad really that it took me almost 7 years to get to the end of the line with her, as a partner. I'd had to go back to get some belongings a few weeks after leaving, she tried absolutely everything to get me to give it one more try, begging, crying, even offering sex it was utterly pathetic. When that didn't work she attacked me, it ended with me locked in the bathroom and calling the police. They came, advised if they arrested her they'd have to arrest me and that the kids would be taken into care so suggested I just get what I can and leave. I left. I didn't know what else to do.
She was always that bad, at least with the emotional abuse. It started great, she was my first proper girlfriend and not just some one night thing or friend with benefits. But the signs where there in hindsight, She'd moan about me going home but then we'd argue cause she wanted space. She justified her behaviour because she'd never been with someone like me before and she had to adjust. There where nights where she'd wake up, give me torrents of abuse, I'd sometimes stay or I'd leave and the next morning she'd claim to have no memory of it. All her previous partners were scumbags but I was the best. I've read similar stories online since leaving her so many times. The constant push me pull me and going hot and cold left me utterly confused. My son the result of me not being careful, literally the day I had decided to leave her she told me she was pregnant, I never said anything and justified her behaviour with a "It's the hormones" argument.
In my defence she'd repeatedly claimed she was on the pill and that she'd been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries and I believed at the time I had no reason to doubt her so my son felt like a miracle. Stupidly I didn't even question it, our daughter felt like lightning had struck twice. I was such a trusting fool.
I remember when she begged me to stay and claimed she hadn't cheated on me, she had the audacity to claim that she'd only told me that to scare me into realising what I was going to lose. If true, that was even worse in my opinion.
I've gone out of my way to try and work together with the ex for the sake of the children, I haven't always gotten it right but I've never done anything to warrant the level of hatred I've almost always received from her since leaving. The only times she's been nice since is when she's briefly tried to win me back. Like offering one year for me to come and spend christmas at her house, I could stay on the couch and spend the day with her and the kids but I knew exactly what would have happened and politely declined only to receive tirades of abuse and claims she'd changed her mind anyway. The thing is I understand it's not about love with her, it's like a sense of ownership and the fact it was me who walked away without her permission.
I don't for one moment think she even loves the kids, not the way a healthy person does. If she did she wouldn't be saying and doing such horrific things to them. This is a woman who told my son that she'd been pregnant but because he'd been so naughty that the baby had died. This isn't a one off comment but until recently no matter what I've tried to do to get the authorities to pay attention it has fallen on death ears. Hell I must be making it up, right I'm just a Dad. The ex has this amazing ability to make people who don't know her really like her, she comes across as genuine, funny and lovely and its worked wonders on social workers previously. It's only when she messes up like she has now, being caught out in a lie that the mask slips and people see her for who and what she really is.
I swear to god I am so angry that it's taken the authorities to take notice that I could spit! I've two children who are under a child protection plan because they're at significant risk at harm and that they're finally worried about the effects all this has had on the kids. Don't get me wrong I'm glad it's finally been seen but still it's not right. I genuinely don't know how I'm going to manage it but I'm not going to rest now until those kids are safe and sound under my roof and we can build a happy and healthy life together as a blended family without all the venom that they've had so much of.
I'm so scared for my kids.
When I finally left, it wasn't under the best of circumstances naturally, then how could it be when someone has been physically and emotionally abusing you for years. She tried playing nice for all of five minutes until she realised that I'd finally been pushed too far and that I wouldn't under any circumstances be coming back. It's a funny kind of sad really that it took me almost 7 years to get to the end of the line with her, as a partner. I'd had to go back to get some belongings a few weeks after leaving, she tried absolutely everything to get me to give it one more try, begging, crying, even offering sex it was utterly pathetic. When that didn't work she attacked me, it ended with me locked in the bathroom and calling the police. They came, advised if they arrested her they'd have to arrest me and that the kids would be taken into care so suggested I just get what I can and leave. I left. I didn't know what else to do.
She was always that bad, at least with the emotional abuse. It started great, she was my first proper girlfriend and not just some one night thing or friend with benefits. But the signs where there in hindsight, She'd moan about me going home but then we'd argue cause she wanted space. She justified her behaviour because she'd never been with someone like me before and she had to adjust. There where nights where she'd wake up, give me torrents of abuse, I'd sometimes stay or I'd leave and the next morning she'd claim to have no memory of it. All her previous partners were scumbags but I was the best. I've read similar stories online since leaving her so many times. The constant push me pull me and going hot and cold left me utterly confused. My son the result of me not being careful, literally the day I had decided to leave her she told me she was pregnant, I never said anything and justified her behaviour with a "It's the hormones" argument.
In my defence she'd repeatedly claimed she was on the pill and that she'd been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries and I believed at the time I had no reason to doubt her so my son felt like a miracle. Stupidly I didn't even question it, our daughter felt like lightning had struck twice. I was such a trusting fool.
I remember when she begged me to stay and claimed she hadn't cheated on me, she had the audacity to claim that she'd only told me that to scare me into realising what I was going to lose. If true, that was even worse in my opinion.
I've gone out of my way to try and work together with the ex for the sake of the children, I haven't always gotten it right but I've never done anything to warrant the level of hatred I've almost always received from her since leaving. The only times she's been nice since is when she's briefly tried to win me back. Like offering one year for me to come and spend christmas at her house, I could stay on the couch and spend the day with her and the kids but I knew exactly what would have happened and politely declined only to receive tirades of abuse and claims she'd changed her mind anyway. The thing is I understand it's not about love with her, it's like a sense of ownership and the fact it was me who walked away without her permission.
I don't for one moment think she even loves the kids, not the way a healthy person does. If she did she wouldn't be saying and doing such horrific things to them. This is a woman who told my son that she'd been pregnant but because he'd been so naughty that the baby had died. This isn't a one off comment but until recently no matter what I've tried to do to get the authorities to pay attention it has fallen on death ears. Hell I must be making it up, right I'm just a Dad. The ex has this amazing ability to make people who don't know her really like her, she comes across as genuine, funny and lovely and its worked wonders on social workers previously. It's only when she messes up like she has now, being caught out in a lie that the mask slips and people see her for who and what she really is.
I swear to god I am so angry that it's taken the authorities to take notice that I could spit! I've two children who are under a child protection plan because they're at significant risk at harm and that they're finally worried about the effects all this has had on the kids. Don't get me wrong I'm glad it's finally been seen but still it's not right. I genuinely don't know how I'm going to manage it but I'm not going to rest now until those kids are safe and sound under my roof and we can build a happy and healthy life together as a blended family without all the venom that they've had so much of.
I'm so scared for my kids.
Associate
- Joined
- 6 May 2009
- Posts
- 566
Sounds awful. Personally, I would delete this thread and not mention this on open social media or forums, even if no specifics are given, just in case it can be used against you. Discuss in private messages with anyone who has any good advice.
I hope it all works out. I get what you mean about the social workers, somehow they blindly ignore the facts and just side with the trouble, it's ridiculous.
As said, document everything if you can, but I'm hoping the solicitors etc will be telling you what to do
As said, document everything if you can, but I'm hoping the solicitors etc will be telling you what to do
Hi Vidar,
Sorry to hear of this happening. Sadly it is an unspoken epidemic in this country. There are hundreds of thousands of Fathers and I suspect nearing a million children in this situation because of a vituperative ex-wife.
As I have alluded to several times before I've had to go through the circus ("Family" Court aka The Mothers Court) and made the decision after almost 6years that the best decision would be to walk away.
I used to give advice on https://www.dad.info/forum/legal-eagle
A lot of posters unfortunately - I firmly believe - giving incorrect advice in telling you to run to Solicitors to let them "handle it". While Solicitors may give a feeling of peace of mind, it doesn't last long. In my extensive experience of advising other Dads in your position, a good Solicitor (in respect of family matters) are rarer than hens teeth). I can give a few examples of the levels of knowledge of solicitors/Court Legal Advisors/Judges:
- I demanded an action be taken in line with the legal standpoint and highlighted the law and legal precedent before 2 Solicitors with nearly 30years experience between them (yes I asked). Neither acting for me. Neither accepted the Law and one in particular refused to accept it was even a provision within the Childrens Act. It was there and the 2 of them were both surprised
- Legal Adviser (a job attracting £45,000+ of state money in its first year) who did not know the Law, flouted the Law and deliberately and methodically went out of her way to do so. Despite my protests and a literal shouting match back and forth in the Court room. A Judge later confirmed what I knew that there has been a serious incident of Law and rules of the Court not being followed and broken and he quizzed why I had accepted it. I informed I hadn't but followed it up with a complaint that I was at the time awaiting. No further action. The Head Solicitor (yes, that's right, Solicitor who was in charge of several Courts) found the LA had acted correctly. My follow up letter highlighting the Judges remarks, a further show in Legal precedent from Family Law Week went ignored.
- A Judge who upon another no show (my ex attended less than 50% of Court cases (I estimate more than 25) in the time it was before Court)) refused to continue to allow the hearing to go ahead (despite me showing up for the appointment as per directions of 9.30 and not being seen until after 3pm) stating that my ex could argue not having a fair hearing. This despite several requests to reconsider under 2 cases overseen by the Head of the Family Court Sir James Munby where this had continued and one even highlighting why they should continue in absence.
The Family Courts are a nightmare and your situation can go one of two ways. The good may be your ex is scared by them, in which case you can usually get and keep contact, the other is that she knows the Family Court will do nothing - not a thing - regardless of how many breaches and will take no punitive action whatsoever. In the former, you should be able to see your kids fairly and consistently. The latter, there may come a point as it has/had for me that continuing the fight was not worth it any longer. My friend - bless his cotton socks - is and has always been as stubborn as they come and is still fighting through family Courts now after 8years. Last I spoke to him his ex had breached contact orders (CAO's now they are called) 7 times and he has missed out on hundreds of Contact days. He says he will never give up on his kids.
Straight up advice:
- Unless you know of a fantastic Family Court Solicitor: Do NOT enlist one. You may pay £2,000 just to get it to Court and then be given a CAO that isn't worth the paper its written on
- Show up to Court in the worst clothes you can - have no respect for the place. Whether you are suited, booted and slick or (as I started to in the latter years) dressed in ripped shorts, creased shirts and unshaven for several days, it makes not a scintilla of difference
- Don't be polite in Court, be forward, direct and tell them what they should be doing (because they don't have a clue (unless your Judge is Judge Richard Taylor))
- Any allegations should be treated as such and if she makes false allegations make sure they are counter complained about by the Police as false allegations are a crime and even if they cannot be proven - should be acted upon immediately to avoid further allegations. Oh, also, if she alleges you take drugs (and you know 100% you don't) make sure you stipulate that any need to take drug tests she meets 100% of the costs including the time take off work to have them - another friend of mine didn't take my advice and it cost him £600! that she then followed up by saying his Mother (a Nurse!) was also taking them. He then took my advice... she decided not to continue with that tact)
- Any instances of violence or aggression record on your phone. Get a voice/call recorder on your phone. It was a godsend for me when Police were knocking. Edit: I wish I had of done so when I had a car driven at me twice!
- Treat Social Workers (who are an absolute disgrace) as people who are there to be on the side of your ex. They are in the vast majority of cases. There is a movement going to ensure that any interaction with Social Workers MUST be recorded. If they refuse you can inform them "So you are one of the ones who lies and makes things up". Any Social Worker worth their weight should have no problem with this.
At the end of the day its about planning a good case. Recording instances, reading up on Law, getting advice (from Dad Talk) nd showing up - because if you don't the case can and usually gets thrown out straight away. Point out what they are doing wrong and how they should be doing it. Beyond that it is purely about luck!
I wish you all the luck in getting it sorted.
Sorry to hear of this happening. Sadly it is an unspoken epidemic in this country. There are hundreds of thousands of Fathers and I suspect nearing a million children in this situation because of a vituperative ex-wife.
As I have alluded to several times before I've had to go through the circus ("Family" Court aka The Mothers Court) and made the decision after almost 6years that the best decision would be to walk away.
I used to give advice on https://www.dad.info/forum/legal-eagle
A lot of posters unfortunately - I firmly believe - giving incorrect advice in telling you to run to Solicitors to let them "handle it". While Solicitors may give a feeling of peace of mind, it doesn't last long. In my extensive experience of advising other Dads in your position, a good Solicitor (in respect of family matters) are rarer than hens teeth). I can give a few examples of the levels of knowledge of solicitors/Court Legal Advisors/Judges:
- I demanded an action be taken in line with the legal standpoint and highlighted the law and legal precedent before 2 Solicitors with nearly 30years experience between them (yes I asked). Neither acting for me. Neither accepted the Law and one in particular refused to accept it was even a provision within the Childrens Act. It was there and the 2 of them were both surprised
- Legal Adviser (a job attracting £45,000+ of state money in its first year) who did not know the Law, flouted the Law and deliberately and methodically went out of her way to do so. Despite my protests and a literal shouting match back and forth in the Court room. A Judge later confirmed what I knew that there has been a serious incident of Law and rules of the Court not being followed and broken and he quizzed why I had accepted it. I informed I hadn't but followed it up with a complaint that I was at the time awaiting. No further action. The Head Solicitor (yes, that's right, Solicitor who was in charge of several Courts) found the LA had acted correctly. My follow up letter highlighting the Judges remarks, a further show in Legal precedent from Family Law Week went ignored.
- A Judge who upon another no show (my ex attended less than 50% of Court cases (I estimate more than 25) in the time it was before Court)) refused to continue to allow the hearing to go ahead (despite me showing up for the appointment as per directions of 9.30 and not being seen until after 3pm) stating that my ex could argue not having a fair hearing. This despite several requests to reconsider under 2 cases overseen by the Head of the Family Court Sir James Munby where this had continued and one even highlighting why they should continue in absence.
The Family Courts are a nightmare and your situation can go one of two ways. The good may be your ex is scared by them, in which case you can usually get and keep contact, the other is that she knows the Family Court will do nothing - not a thing - regardless of how many breaches and will take no punitive action whatsoever. In the former, you should be able to see your kids fairly and consistently. The latter, there may come a point as it has/had for me that continuing the fight was not worth it any longer. My friend - bless his cotton socks - is and has always been as stubborn as they come and is still fighting through family Courts now after 8years. Last I spoke to him his ex had breached contact orders (CAO's now they are called) 7 times and he has missed out on hundreds of Contact days. He says he will never give up on his kids.
Straight up advice:
- Unless you know of a fantastic Family Court Solicitor: Do NOT enlist one. You may pay £2,000 just to get it to Court and then be given a CAO that isn't worth the paper its written on
- Show up to Court in the worst clothes you can - have no respect for the place. Whether you are suited, booted and slick or (as I started to in the latter years) dressed in ripped shorts, creased shirts and unshaven for several days, it makes not a scintilla of difference
- Don't be polite in Court, be forward, direct and tell them what they should be doing (because they don't have a clue (unless your Judge is Judge Richard Taylor))
- Any allegations should be treated as such and if she makes false allegations make sure they are counter complained about by the Police as false allegations are a crime and even if they cannot be proven - should be acted upon immediately to avoid further allegations. Oh, also, if she alleges you take drugs (and you know 100% you don't) make sure you stipulate that any need to take drug tests she meets 100% of the costs including the time take off work to have them - another friend of mine didn't take my advice and it cost him £600! that she then followed up by saying his Mother (a Nurse!) was also taking them. He then took my advice... she decided not to continue with that tact)
- Any instances of violence or aggression record on your phone. Get a voice/call recorder on your phone. It was a godsend for me when Police were knocking. Edit: I wish I had of done so when I had a car driven at me twice!
- Treat Social Workers (who are an absolute disgrace) as people who are there to be on the side of your ex. They are in the vast majority of cases. There is a movement going to ensure that any interaction with Social Workers MUST be recorded. If they refuse you can inform them "So you are one of the ones who lies and makes things up". Any Social Worker worth their weight should have no problem with this.
At the end of the day its about planning a good case. Recording instances, reading up on Law, getting advice (from Dad Talk) nd showing up - because if you don't the case can and usually gets thrown out straight away. Point out what they are doing wrong and how they should be doing it. Beyond that it is purely about luck!
I wish you all the luck in getting it sorted.
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Jesus Christ. This would tip me over the edge if lost so much time with my kids.
I hope you do get custody. Be warned though that lying in court does work, even with evidence to disprove it. My family were taken to the cleaners by another family member who lied and lied.... the law didn't care.
I hope you do get custody. Be warned though that lying in court does work, even with evidence to disprove it. My family were taken to the cleaners by another family member who lied and lied.... the law didn't care.
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Sad but true. We've recently encountered this in our family over a deceased family member's estate. Her daughter was found to have used force to have her will changed, there was evidence to prove it. She then and this made no sense at all, said that it was due to stress caused by the bereavement. Her mother died after the bloody thing was changed! The magistrate was so thick they didn't even pick up on it.
Few friends of mine have been in similar positions, ultimately they've all been about the woman losing control over the mans world 24/7 and being insecure, it can certainly be the reverse though. Family courts are so weighted against the dads it's incredible, absolutely astonishing that none of our hundreds of MPs has bothered to campaign on it.