Talking about her ex - why does it upset me?

qwerty · 27 Mar 2006 at 13:21

sara said:
It takes two to tango, even if she's keeping the ex as a friend, who says he wants her?

He does. He keeps txting her, and calling her, sometimes freaking her out quite a lot. He's asked if she wants to be **** buddies, says he really minds she's with another guy, drew a massive portrait of her (he's an artist, but still so creepy)

benneh said:
In reality though, you simply need to ask her who has the biggest willy. Should sort a lot of it out.

Already asked, many times. She always dodges the question which leads me to the obvious conclusion

I think we need to talk...straighten it out. Maybe I'm just making a big deal over it because we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks (longest ever time apart). You start making stuff up in your head.

Mr Man · 27 Mar 2006 at 13:31

99.9% of the time I get on really well with my Ex, after all she is still my best friend (and always has been), but after many years of being married things just didnt work out, but that doesnt mean I have to lose my friend as well as my wife....Its funny I get on better with her now than I have done in years

karoshi · 27 Mar 2006 at 13:34

why does it upset me?

well lets see.. does she use any of the following words or phrases when talking to you about her ex:

"horse"

"baby's arm"

"hours and hours"

"...was able to lick his own eyebrows"

or, when talking to her ex does she look at you and use any of the following:

"sprinter"

"premature"

"not how i remember it being"

"..couldn't find it with two hands and a torch.."

if so then yes you should be upset

Old Turkey · 27 Mar 2006 at 13:49

You may not like what I am about to say but I am going to say it anyway. The root of all this is insecurity.

Why do men (and women) in general view 'their' partner as 'their' own possession? Even the simple statement "my girlfriend" presupposes that she belongs to you! The things that we own we guard jealously from thieves who creep about in the Night.

This is why peope in general are so suspicious of friends of 'their' partners and their ex's.

But the truth is, I am only a possession to one person and that is myself. I do not belong to anyone and I own no one. You cannot have me. If you can just LET GO of being possessive of objects, circumstances and people, then all of the fears you harbour will disappear.

The day you can let go of being possessive is the day when everything changes. So what if your girlfriend is friends with her ex, or has friends who fancy her? I mean so what? If she left you, would you die? Do you need her to live? Is she that flipping fantastic that she represents the center of the Universe and the meaning of life itself?

Everything in life, as far as I am concerned is fleeting, absolutely everything.

Carl · 27 Mar 2006 at 13:54

Talk to her about it, as soon as its off your chest you will feel a lot better, also you can find out how compatible you are talking about touchy subjects. It will make the relationship stronger.

IME.

Zip · 27 Mar 2006 at 14:06

Old Turkey said:
If she left you, would you die? Do you need her to live? Is she that flipping fantastic that she represents the center of the Universe and the meaning of life itself?

Everything in life, as far as I am concerned is fleeting, absolutely everything.

What you say there sounds a little naive tbh.
Many relationships are close like that and if she did brake up with you, you would feel like what you wrote.
Some people dont take relationships for granted and cherrish them and if something bad happens it can feel like the end of the world and like your dieing.
Why do you think a lot of people commit suicide after a brake up or a divorce?
A relationship between 2 people can be the strongest thing in the world and make you the happyest person in the world but if it goes bad you can expect your world to crumble and wish you were dead.

philio16 · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:13

qwerty said:
Firstly is it just me or do all guys get a bit upset/feel weird when your girl talks about her ex?

And why do they always want to stay friends? To me that just stinks of 'I want to stay in his good books in case it goes **** up with you'. Like some sort of insurance policy.

Anyway, I got upset about it last night, but being a guy I couldn't tell her how I was really feeling and now I just feel stupid and like I've messed up when I haven't.

I need a hug

I get exactly the same, used to go in a mood if she mentioned anyone....but I came to realise I'm actually mates with my ex's whereas she isn't with hers so if anyone should be paranoid or anything it be her!

KaHn · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:17

Old Turkey said:
snip.

Another great post well done

KaHn

Sic · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:22

Old Turkey said:
You may not like what I am about to say but I am going to say it anyway. The root of all this is insecurity.

Why do men (and women) in general view 'their' partner as 'their' own possession? Even the simple statement "my girlfriend" presupposes that she belongs to you! The things that we own we guard jealously from thieves who creep about in the Night.

This is why peope in general are so suspicious of friends of 'their' partners and their ex's.

But the truth is, I am only a possession to one person and that is myself. I do not belong to anyone and I own no one. You cannot have me. If you can just LET GO of being possessive of objects, circumstances and people, then all of the fears you harbour will disappear.

The day you can let go of being possessive is the day when everything changes. So what if your girlfriend is friends with her ex, or has friends who fancy her? I mean so what? If she left you, would you die? Do you need her to live? Is she that flipping fantastic that she represents the center of the Universe and the meaning of life itself?

Everything in life, as far as I am concerned is fleeting, absolutely everything.

haha. nail on the head as far as i'm concerned.

i've been so possesive with my girlfriends in the past, wanting to know where they are all the time and getting upset when a male's name is mentioned, but i'm trying something new now. i've realised that each time i thought i needed the girl i was with, i was gravely mistaken. my girlfriend is not mine, she belongs to herself and she can make her own decisions, talk about whatever she wants and it wont upset me (unless she's talking about the pathetic girth of my penis, that gets me a bit upset) we talk about our ex's, because things happened with those people that made us who we are today.

at the end of it all, who's she with now? will you be together in 20 years? maybe. why ruin the time you have together now worrying about her ex and what she says about him? all you're going to do is drive her away because she's supposed to be able to talk to you about anything and she cant. if she's thinking something, the first person she should be able to talk to is you, if you're serious about her.

benneh · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:26

Sic said:
Snip

True Say.

Of course that sounds a bit EMO because it came from sic

, but it's right yano'.

Sic · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:29

benneh said:
True Say.

Of course that sounds a bit EMO because it came from sic , but it's right yano'.

right, that's it! i'm writing a poem about you now...

*cries* <3

xox

Nix · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:35

Sic said:
right, that's it! i'm writing a poem about you now...

*cries* <3

xox

Sic, I've made an avatar for you to use while you're all emo

Kell_ee001 · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:35

Generally I have never been bothered about someone talking about an ex, it's how they behave with them that sometimes bothers me.

Sic · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:37

Nix said:
Sic, I've made an avatar for you to use while you're all emo

even though it's obvious that you've spent hours on it, i shant be putting it into use

VaderDSL · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:39

I've always found it easy to talk about other peoples ex' who I've been with, guess it all comes down to your own personality. Used to be more than happy for my gf when I was with her to go swimming or go round to her ex's house. I trusted her with my life

Nix · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:39

Sic said:
even though it's obvious that you've spent hours on it, i shant be putting it into use

A good day's hard graft never hurt anyone

Admiral Huddy · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:48

I think talking about your ex-partner/s is fine and should be encouraged as long as it's not all the time.

Why does it bother you?

If you can't be open about something like this early on in a relationship then you are heading for trouble later.. after all, ex-partners, friends all all apart of what makes us who we are (does that make any sense :confused:

)..

We both talk about ex- partners (and in my case wife) because that is what they are - Ex. I bump into my Wifes ex from time to time.. what a looser

qwerty said:
Anyway, I got upset about it last night, but being a guy I couldn't tell her how I was really feeling and now I just feel stupid and like I've messed up when I haven't.

Why does being a guy make any difference.. you saying that blokes shouldn't. that's stupid. You will mess up if you don't talk or express your feelings otherwise how would she know or be able to do anything about it.

Wryel · 27 Mar 2006 at 15:58

KaHn said:
Another great post well done

KaHn

***. - Edit: That was 'quoted for truth', you not like the laziness of that one?