Poll: Terrible joke thread

[Pawnless Endgame]

I've formed a new band called 512 Megabytes.

We haven't had a gig yet.

 

[Vidar]

A man walks into a bar with a Giraffe, after many pints the Giraffe passes out and the man gets up to leave...
The barman shouts "Oi you can't leave the lyin there" the man replies "It's not a lion its a Giraffe"

Some string walks into a bar and asks do you serve strings in here, the barman replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

 

[Akagi]

You screwed up the second one.

Some string walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve string here. You are string aren't you?" The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

Why would the barman be a frayed knot? Goodness me.

 

[Haggisman]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Spoiler

None.

How do you get 2 whales in a Mini?

Spoiler

Over the Severn Bridge.

 

[wonko]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

 

[Skiddley]

What happened to the Cat that ate a ball of wool? It had Mittens.

Why is a lady like a KFC meal? Once you've finished with the leg and the breast, all you have left is a greasy box to stick your bone in. (too much?)

 

[Clearcut]

Too old.

 

[Captain]

When a woman dies, what's the last organ in her body that stays warm?

My ****.

 

[marc2003]

^Sad to hear about the passing of your mum.

 

[Captain]

^Sad to hear about the passing of your mum.

Have i just refreshed the page and gone back in time? Feels like I'm in school

 

[something daft already!!]

Two nuns in the bath, one says "Where's the soap?" the other replies "yes it does rather."

What pleasures to Monks get?
Nun

Two nuns are riding bikes through the vatican city. One turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before." and the other replies "That's the cobblestones."

 

[Sliver]

Parallel lines have so much in common.

Such a shame they're never going to meet.

 

[Thekwango]

Have i just refreshed the page and gone back in time? Feels like I'm in school

almost exactly a year to the very minute!

 

[Karateyid]

Post Mortem has just finished on Bruce Forsyth. It notes he died of a seizure.... Nice to seizure, to seizure nice...

 

[GinG]

"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change"

 

[Shocky-FM]

I wonder how Bruce Forsyth and Yoda would have greeted each other?

 

[fadetoblack]

What's blue and ###### granny's? Hypothermia

How many animals can you fit into a condom?
1 #### and few hairs

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

Wonkey

 

[Martynt74]

Some string walks into a bar and asks do you serve strings in here, the barman replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

That's so wrong it's ruined the joke!

 

[Merlin5]

I just found out I'm colourblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

A furniture repairer had an accident and fell into his upholstery machine. He's fully recovered now.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible".
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now".

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

 

[Rids]

The results have just come back from Bruce Forsyth's autopsy - Doctors have revealed he died from a seizure. Nice to seizure to seizure nice.


Too far?