Thursday Joke
- Thread starter nero120
- Start date
Why did the chicken cross the road?
MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF (COMICAL ALI):
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
TRISHA:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it survived a serious case of moulting and went onto accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of the chicken to cross the road.
RONALD REAGAN:
What Chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
EChicken 2003 will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your cheque book, and Internet Explorer 7 is an integral part of eChicken.
BILL CLINTON:
What is your definition of chicken?
GRANDAD:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough.
COLOLNEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON:
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm chicken!
(and my favourite: )
ANDERSON CONSULTANT:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF (COMICAL ALI):
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
TRISHA:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it survived a serious case of moulting and went onto accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of the chicken to cross the road.
RONALD REAGAN:
What Chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
EChicken 2003 will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your cheque book, and Internet Explorer 7 is an integral part of eChicken.
BILL CLINTON:
What is your definition of chicken?
GRANDAD:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough.
COLOLNEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON:
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm chicken!
(and my favourite: )
ANDERSON CONSULTANT:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
got sent this in an email from my sister....
-------------
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the
Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and
Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies
and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech
started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one
better than that English b*****d and started his speech by making an antler
symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his
groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained"
By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my
speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one
further than those mainland b*****ds and started his speech by making an
antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then
m*sturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he
explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then
masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
-------------
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the
Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and
Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies
and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech
started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one
better than that English b*****d and started his speech by making an antler
symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his
groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained"
By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my
speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one
further than those mainland b*****ds and started his speech by making an
antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then
m*sturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he
explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then
masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
Right, following on from my thread saving elephant jokes here are some cow jokes
What do you call a cow who's lost a child?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow in tall grass?
Utterly tickled.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud. (Or an udder failure, of course).
and cannibal jokes..
You hear about Bill the cannibal?
Relatively ordinary guy, had a house, a wife, ate children.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend on the way to the restroom?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
A cannibal's favorite book: "How to Serve Your Fellow Man"
Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other, "Gosh, Bill, your wife makes a great meal."
Did you hear about the missionaries who visited a tribe of cannibals?
They wanted to give them a taste of religion.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?
He got the cold shoulder.
Hope i haven't derailed it!
What do you call a cow who's lost a child?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow in tall grass?
Utterly tickled.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud. (Or an udder failure, of course).
and cannibal jokes..
You hear about Bill the cannibal?
Relatively ordinary guy, had a house, a wife, ate children.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend on the way to the restroom?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
A cannibal's favorite book: "How to Serve Your Fellow Man"
Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other, "Gosh, Bill, your wife makes a great meal."
Did you hear about the missionaries who visited a tribe of cannibals?
They wanted to give them a taste of religion.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?
He got the cold shoulder.
Hope i haven't derailed it!
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Holy crap copying and pasting skills batman!G-MAN2004 said:Right, following on from my thread saving elephant jokes here are some cow jokes
What do you call who's lost a child?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow in tall grass?
Utterly tickled.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud. (Or an udder failure, of course).
and cannibal jokes..
What do you call who's lost a child?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow in tall grass?
Utterly tickled.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud. (Or an udder failure, of course).
____
Two cows in a field.
Cow 1: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Cow2: Oi you ****! I was gonna say that!
Soldato
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Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the c u d.
"'Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"
"Yes, sounds nasty."
"I'm glad I'm a chicken."
Or...
Two cows in a field. One says to the other,
"What do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other replies,
"Crikey, a talking cow!"
"'Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"
"Yes, sounds nasty."
"I'm glad I'm a chicken."
Or...
Two cows in a field. One says to the other,
"What do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other replies,
"Crikey, a talking cow!"
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Associate
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RandomTom said:haha nice.
How do you make a cat go woof?
Pour petrol on it and set it on fire.
How do you make a dog go Meeow?
Dip it in liquid nitrogen then run it through a band-saw
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Kell_ee001 said:
LMAO
They really made me laugh *wipes drink off keyboard*
*********
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
**************
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was
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Soldato
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- Essex, innit?
Funniest thing in this thread is the fact that the OP thinks the original joke was funny 
PrettyInPink said:Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
LOL, That gets a vote for the best joke i've heard for a long time
10/10
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- A lake!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a coathanger?
The Leap-uss Hang-me-do!
What was the wasp's favourite food?
Stingy pie!
What do you call a giant cat with a fork sticking out of it's head?
Ms Feline Cutler!
The Leap-uss Hang-me-do!
What was the wasp's favourite food?
Stingy pie!
What do you call a giant cat with a fork sticking out of it's head?
Ms Feline Cutler!
Soldato
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- Location
- Essex, innit?
monkeypants said:
Dude
monkeypants said:
don't suppose your getting these from here are you....
http://www.bell101.freeserve.co.uk/Man1-Joke.htm
with those three jokes being right at the top of this page
http://www.bell101.freeserve.co.uk/Man1-Joke5.htm
Soldato
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No, but they are old digi jokes.nikebee said:don't suppose your getting these from here are you....
http://www.bell101.freeserve.co.uk/Man1-Joke.htm