Wheres the friday jokes!
- Thread starter Gaz1988
- Start date
A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician, "there is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at the equation and asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle." Upon this the shoeseller cries out: "What does a circle have to do with shoes?!"
Erm...?
Why English is tough
Twenty reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
Twenty reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"
He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"
Might get better as people consume alcohol.
If all your going do is complain why bother, you say your no good at jokes go find one you find decent and coy paste it here, so we can see what you think is funny.
After her recent rant on GMTV, a psychologist said that Heather Mills is clearly unbalanced.
Sir Paul phoned in and said that a couple of beermats under her left leg does the trick.
3 blokes, steve dave and bruce are working on a high rise .... one of them (steve) falls to his death.
The other two have to decide who will break the news to his missus.
Dave decides he'll do it as he's pretty good at that caring sentimental stuff and off he trots.
3 hours later he's back with a crate of stella under his arm.
"where'd you get that mate" asks bruce
"steves missus gave me it"
"so you told her her husbands dead, and she gave you a crate of stella!!"
"well, not exactly when she opened the door i said hi you must be steves widow, she replied she wasn't a widow and i said i bet you a crate of stella you are"
__________________
Soldato
- Joined
- 7 Mar 2005
- Posts
- 19,612
- Location
- LU7
English so tough you posted it twice? 
You redeemed yourself with your Rolls v Yugo joke.
You redeemed yourself with your Rolls v Yugo joke.
Fine. I shall not bother. Good day to you sir.
Ode to A Spell Cheque
eye halve a spelling chequer
it came with my pea sea
it plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea
eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
as soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite
its rare lea ever wrong.
eye have run this poem threw it
i am shore your pleased two no
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my chequer tolled me sew.
eye halve a spelling chequer
it came with my pea sea
it plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea
eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
as soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite
its rare lea ever wrong.
eye have run this poem threw it
i am shore your pleased two no
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my chequer tolled me sew.
The danged quick post thing goes funny from time to timeEnglish so tough you posted it twice?
You redeemed yourself with your Rolls v Yugo joke.
.The Labour Party have today changed their emblem from "a rose" to "a condom" as it more acurately reflects their political stance!
A condom allows for inflation!
Halts production!
Destroys the next generation!
Protects a bunch of pricks!
&
Gives you a sense of security while you are actually being ******!
A condom allows for inflation!
Halts production!
Destroys the next generation!
Protects a bunch of pricks!
&
Gives you a sense of security while you are actually being ******!
Soldato
- Joined
- 7 Mar 2005
- Posts
- 19,612
- Location
- LU7
Lies!The danged quick post thing goes funny from time to time
2 vampire bats having a moan about how they haven't had a decent feed in ages. 1st bat says, "Thats it, I'm off to search for a big fat cow or something."
Couple of hours pass when he returns and his mate asks him if he found anything. "Nothing, not a dicky bird, searched high & low & couldn't find anything."
2nd bat says, "Right, my turn, I'll go and see what I can find."
2 minutes later he comes back, his face covered in blood. 1st bats amazed, "How did you find something so quick?"
"Well did you see the big tree at the end of the field"
"Aye"
"I didn't!"
Couple of hours pass when he returns and his mate asks him if he found anything. "Nothing, not a dicky bird, searched high & low & couldn't find anything."
2nd bat says, "Right, my turn, I'll go and see what I can find."
2 minutes later he comes back, his face covered in blood. 1st bats amazed, "How did you find something so quick?"
"Well did you see the big tree at the end of the field"
"Aye"
"I didn't!"
Associate
- Joined
- 17 Apr 2006
- Posts
- 2,240
- Location
- Hampshire
That made me laugh. I must remember that one.
What do Richard Hammond and Elton John both have in common?
They both have skidmarks on their Helmets.
Whats the difference between Colin Mcrae and Michael Jackson?
Only 2 kids went down on Colins chopper..
RIP Colin
They both have skidmarks on their Helmets.
Whats the difference between Colin Mcrae and Michael Jackson?
Only 2 kids went down on Colins chopper..
RIP Colin
