Why do I Screw Myself Over?

Dude - greatness comes from within and not from others. If you try and imitate your friends or take advice such as "get on the dance floor and pull" you never will.

The painful advice here is that you have to forge your own way and do your own thing. You are going to have to become more confidant and as other say "Love yourself". This is true and is key! If you struggle to do that go and see a councillor 'cos your the only person like you. What isn't there to like?!

In short; Man up, gain that confidence which has eroded away by "chatting to girls on MSN 'cos I feel confidant" and conquer the ******* world!
 
Dude some simple advice, go out and enjoy life. You shouldn't let this sort of stuff get you down.
 
D.P. said:
1). I don't necessarily want to be like my friends. I'm just afraid of a dark and lonely future. It took me a long time to find my first girlfriend and to fall in love. Indeed, I didn't think love really existed until I fell in love with my ex. That hurt real bad, and I swore that I never wanted to love again. I'm over that now and seem to be stuck in some longing desperation to replenish the amazing power of love that I have lost. Even then, the last couple of months I haven't bothered searching so deep but seem to have met more girls.


2) I don't think so. I think the problem is that i have particular tastes and fairly high standards for the personality of the girl. I have 2 numbers of girls on my phone that I could probably arrange a date with anytime... but I don't really feel like it because I don't feel anything special.
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I feel exactly the same way. Regardless of how easy it is to pull, I don't seem to find the attraction in a great deal of people and I wonder whether thats just because I dont gel with people OR because there is something I am doing wrong (like being afraid to be open or something)...

Maybe it comes down to the question of whether people such as you and I should be looking further afield, whether the fact that we are not meeting the 'right' people is a result that we haven't expanded our social group enough. Like finds like.

How do you feel about meeting new people? It used to make me really nervous, and is obviously a barrier to meeting people.
 
I quite like meeting new people, little nervous to begin with depending on the situation, but generally ok. Random strangers are difficult, but someone unknown who is a friend of a friend, e.g. at a flat party I hvae no problem.
 
D.P. said:
That is fine in theory, but hard in practice.
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Exactly.

Answers which are just "be yourself" "man up" etc etc are im sorry to say utter guff. Women dont just fall into your lap you know :)



Caught on the horns of a dilemma between :

a) Meeting someone online (very very easy btw) and sharing the same things in common and thinking to yourself omg we are like soul mates ***! (haha)
but when you meet them in person theres no attraction or spark at all.


AND

b) Going down the pub/club blah and meeting someone where there is an attraction but realizing you have ZERO things in common. So its never going to work.


Whats the answer? :D
 
You have to go out there and meet people to be able to find someone you like or have something in common. "Virtual" friends and "real life" friends are totally different. With your "virtual" friends you can hide behind your monitor, where as your "real life" friends you have nothing to hide behind. This is where you need to start going out with "real life" friends to help build you confidence, which will help you meet new people. It’s not going to be handed to you on a plate, if you want to change your life, you’re the only person who is going to change it.

I was on the same situation around 4 years ago. I had no confidence at all, heck I couldn't hold a decent conversation and the best of it was, whenever a female spoke to me, I would go bright red. I was locked away in my room on the computer for hours at a time, talk to my “virtual” friends over MSN, but yet had hardly any "real life" friends. I decided enough was enough, and started to hang out with my "real life" friends. Over a period of 6-12 months I started to gain some confidence and had a few more friends. Now after 4 years, I'll talk to anyone, even complete strangers all because I learnt to hold a conversation and because I have confidence.
 
I can echo the original posters sentiments exactly!!! Before anyone says otherwise, I'm not a picky person, so it can't be that.

After trying online dating many a time and failing, as well as getting to know girls I have met (who always end up being taken, or just not interested), I have come to the following conclusions:

1) I am not rich enough
2) I am not good-looking enough
3) I am not interesting enough (to them I am not, it would seem, even though I enjoy a great many hobbies, must be meeting the wrong types of girl!)
4) I am not looking hard enough.
5) I am not intelligent enough

So what am I going to do?

I am going to do the following:

1) Going to spend my cash on holidays and enjoying myself
2) Going to be safe in the knowledge I will be single this Christmas, on my birthday and probably next Christmas too
3) Going to take up a few more activities (like Salsa as well as other activities).
4) Hang out with my friends, go to every party they go to and *try* to forget about past women I have had no luck with.
5) With a bit of luck, parties and activities will increase my probability of finding a girl and if a few girls catch my eye, I'll approach them as normal and see if anything happens. Or just accept friendship!

I'll re-post if I get anything! (But don't hold your breath, I am not going to!).

There has been some good advice on this topic here. One other thing, be yourself, all of the time. No point trying to be like your better looking, or more intelligent friend. Or the friend who always manages to get girls. It is most important to be true to yourself and true to others.

All the best!!

David
 
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I do find trying to get females on a night out is the worse thing you can do, either they will just be trying to get drinks out of you or, if you do get lucky they are a female that you have nothing in commen with, and would never want a lasting relationship with.

Gamefreak01 is quite right the best thing you can do is be yourself at all times, if you are, the females who do have intrest in you will respect you for you, and thats a far better start to any relationship.
 
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D.P. said:
That is fine in theory, but hard in practice.
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The reason it is hard in practice is because there are no manuals to socialising and most people learn it unconciously so don't know how to change it.
Over the last few months I've been reading lots of stuff, on picking up women, psychology, psychotherapy, self-help, socialising, NLP etc. etc. etc. and I've come to a few conclusions.

1) People don't know how to chage the way they socialise. They thinks its just 'them', who they are and how they feel.

2) Pulling women is hard. The onus is upon men, because there is an expectation for us to put in the effort.

3) It's a complex art, but it the finest game we know. The best way to play it is NEVER let ANYTHING that happens effect your self-esteem.
 
Gamefreak501 said:
David
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Sorry, David, but that is one of the most pathetic posts I have ever read on this forum.

1) You are not rich enough - the right girl will not care about this.
2) Go get 'em, stud. The girls just love people who self depreciate.
3) There are no words for this point. According to your sig, you like/play piano. Is this true? If you play the piano well it's better than having a 9" willy. Trust me.
4) This is probably true.
5) See my point number 2.

Basically, I just want to shake you and say 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING - THIS IS WHY YOU'RE SINGLE!' You have made so many points in your post which I just want to scream at you for!

Stop it. Stop it right now. It's not about money, looks or intelligence (unless you're completely stupid [which you're not according to your post as it's well written] or the elephant man). If you're confident you can get anybody and as much poontang as you would like; if you keep telling yourself you're not good enough (for whatever reason), then you never will be.

This applies to other areas of life too.

(sorry for picking on you, I'd imagine lots more people feel exactly the same as you, and my post applies to them too)

Some of the posts here really make me mad/sad sometimes.
 
D.P. said:
I think the problem is that i have particular tastes and fairly high standards for the personality of the girl. I have 2 numbers of girls on my phone that I could probably arrange a date with anytime... but I don't really feel like it because I don't feel anything special.
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So, you know what the problem is then.

I think that because you've actually been in love before, you want it again, and to be the same as before.

It never will be. The first girl you fell in love with was just that, the first girl you fell in love with. It was very special, but tore you apart when it finished. Do not go back there. Do not try to replace her with someone who reminds you of her. Do not look at every girl you meet and think "maybe with her I can feel the same way I did when I was with [insert first love's name here]". It won't work.

I feel that you need to realise that every girl you meet is different. Every girl you meet is special, but in a different way. If you go out with an agenda and a specification of your "ideal girlfriend" then you'll never meet her.

Just try being single for a while. And before you say that you've been single for ages, you haven't. You've been trying to get a partner, that's not being single.

For the next couple of weeks, don't go out with the intention/hope of finding Ms. Right. Just go out as Mr. Single, go home as Mr. Single, and wake up as Mr. Single.

Girls can smell desparation! It seems that you're wanting this too badly. That will come across in your body language and hte way you talk, they know, so just relax.
 
D.P. said:
Yes, this is another boring, meaningless, rambling post from a resident depressed geek.
Don't like it? Click back...
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Why do I screw myself over with girls?
I always get a crush for the girls I can't get. Either too far away, not single, destined to move away, etc.

Done it again this weekend. A girl I have met a couple of times skiing. Really is perfect for me, except she lives in Montana (switerzerland), i live in Lausanne- 2 hours away, in a few weeks she goes home to Bavaria, Germany. She moves back to switerland in April, but like 5-6 hours away.
Utterly impossible considering I haven't kissed or dated her.

Why is it that it is impossible to find the right kind of girl where I live and who isn't already taken?

In the summer I met a very interesting and pretty girl form Lebanon who lives in Grenoble, 6 hours away. At easter I met and amazing girl in Krakov, Poland. My last girlfriend was from California, things were great but the distance killed things.


Rarely do I find a girl I like near at hand, when I do they are all in a relationship. This seems to get worse as I get older. Heck, half my friends are either married, engaged, or have childen.
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Stay single mate, you'll be a lot wealthier :)
 
Baldyman said:
So, you know what the problem is then.

I think that because you've actually been in love before, you want it again, and to be the same as before.

It never will be. The first girl you fell in love with was just that, the first girl you fell in love with. It was very special, but tore you apart when it finished. Do not go back there. Do not try to replace her with someone who reminds you of her. Do not look at every girl you meet and think "maybe with her I can feel the same way I did when I was with [insert first love's name here]". It won't work.

I feel that you need to realise that every girl you meet is different. Every girl you meet is special, but in a different way. If you go out with an agenda and a specification of your "ideal girlfriend" then you'll never meet her.

Just try being single for a while. And before you say that you've been single for ages, you haven't. You've been trying to get a partner, that's not being single.

For the next couple of weeks, don't go out with the intention/hope of finding Ms. Right. Just go out as Mr. Single, go home as Mr. Single, and wake up as Mr. Single.

Girls can smell desparation! It seems that you're wanting this too badly. That will come across in your body language and hte way you talk, they know, so just relax.
Click to expand...


Wise words, thank you.



I probably am trying to replace the ex with a similar person, which wont ever happen. Saying that, the girls I have been interested in recently have been fairly different in some sense. , e.g. you can't compare my California ex-gf with the german girl in my OP.

I think there are a few traits that I thin are really important, and this is starting to dominate my perception even although I might not know the girls as well as I think I do, i.e generalize a little too much.




Tomorrow I have a bit of a dilemma. The girl I mentioned in the OP want to go skiing with me (she is one of the best skiers I have ever seen, and tomorrow will be an epic powder ski day). The problem is I really can't afford to take the time off work, but perhaps I should make that sacrifice. I know, indirectly, that there is another German girl who is quite interested in me and is hoping to see me at the Student exchange party tomorrow night.

Logically, I should ski with the first girl if I want to ski and I have the time, regardless of my feelings. I can then go home and go out with the other girl in the evening and see how things go. Logically, she is the best option being that she lives 5 minutes from my house. But in my heart I know I like the first girl much more...
C'est la Vie!
 
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