My "drinking career"...
Progressive.
It was fine at first and like most was just a weekend thing back when I was 18, going out with mates and enjoying life. But over time, it gradually just got worse, but I never seen this happening, or progressing. It felt "normal" to get drunk and go out to parties. At its peak my drinking stripped me to the core mentally, physically and spiritually. Destroyed me to the point that it isolated me from life and kept me locked in myself with a bottle drinking on my own.
Don't know where I'm going with this really, but my drinking nowadays when I've relapsed (and trust me I've done so loads) is not good in anyway and very dark and broken. I mean it's had me on my knees begging with me reaching out and calling people in tears for help. I go to all the meetings in the world, read the big book, have a sponsor. Whatever it was I was doing didn't work, but I'd try again with something new. What I've realised is that I have to listen to others and try to give back on a daily basis. Just be a better version of who I was. Sometimes doing the opposite of what my mind is telling me is a good skill I've learnt.
Drinking for me has had me walking my hometown down every alleyway, sitting on every bench, peeing in the street (had to do this even though I knew it was wrong). Also I've been picked up by police and ambulance for blacking/passing out in the street, taken to hospital and put on IV drips, vomiting and peeing myself with no self control, I've been assaulted by groups of lads (no fault of my own just an easy target), lost jobs because I thought it was fine to go Asda on my break and buy a bottle then go back, lost relationships, robbed a bottle from a shop (didn't actually open the bottle and took it back the day after as I felt huge guilt and remorse) A very, very, very dark and miserable existence, I would not wish this illness on the most disliked person I could come across. The memories (and I find this the hardest part) I'm left with when sober say when walking certain places or seeing people I've probably engaged with, or remembering what I did there are haunting. This is something I'm still learning to deal with to this day and try to except and move forward from.
Was it all worth it? No. A million, billion, trillion percent. But when the illness progresses, it takes an unbelievable miraculous change in self (life, spiritual, body whatever) to live a better version of yourself day by day. Live in the day and try not to overthink and get trapped in that alone time within your own thoughts.
I wish anyone struggling all the best. Reach out to people and try connect with services such as AA and others. Don't suffer in silence. It's an illness and something you shouldn't be ashamed about, as much as it makes you think that.
