A relationship thread we've probably never seen before...

[Surfer]

For her, being with you also means sacrifices. In today's culture of instant gratification and "me me me" this concept evades many people. A long term relationship involves sacrifices throughout. This may mean you giving up your dream of BASE jumping today and getting nothing "in return" for decades. Somewhere down the line, she may find herself making huge sacrifices for you. Or she may not.

I'd be willing to lay real money on the latter....

However, the only way you will ever be happy is if you truly understand how fortunate you are to have the opportunity to sacrifice something for someone you love, someone who loves you and someone who is perfect for you.

oh my.... sorry but thats sweet sacharin bs. He should feel lucky and fortunate that he gets the chance to sacrifice things to someone he loves? Are you a woman? Quite obviously she isnt perfect for him if she makes 'prima donna' demands of him so that she will feel ok....

Tell you what OP... dont do the basejump but also ask her to sacrifice what she likes doing. She will NOT be prepared to do it. Why? Because she will say there is no reason to sacrifice her hobby because its not dangerous etc. She cant be that committed to the relationship if she isnt prepared to understand your feelings ehh

your life with another person requires a "we" mentality

Often hear this bandied around....what you really mean is that it requires a "she" mentality. Guy has to get used to the woman making demands of him. And often you'll find in relationships that IT IS the guy who does all the sacrificing..compromising etc. Whereas the women just sits there and smiles.

If a woman says to you " if you really love me you wouldnt do X" what you thinking that is? Ohh its her concern for your wellbeing etc etc? Think again... she is caught up in HER own feelings (what woman isnt?) So its the old emotional blackmail card she is dealing....dont be manipulated.

 

[Surfer]

..

 

[trojan698]

Do it. She wont leave you because she's scared for your safety.

 

[Begbie]

Do it, she wont leave you because of it. Just buy her some flowers and chocs. Or better yet and do what every other guy does and don't tell her - problem solved - it would be just like cheating but with a parachute.

 

[Stretch]

What, go BASE jumping and say I'm off doing something else?

That's the last thing I'd do. She always knows what I'm doing.

There seems to be two points of view here.

1) I don't love her because I won't listen to her and sacrifice my desires for her.

2) She doesn't love me because she won't let me realise my dreams.


Both could be argued true, both could be argued against I suppose. It's not easy.

It's not easy, but if you really like her as much as you say you do it shouldn't be that difficult ether. If she has genuine concerns over you safety (and rightly so imo) then maybe you should listen to her.

I'm not one for letting my partner rule my life and dictate what I can and can't do, but in this instance I think she may have a legitimate point. How often dose she ask you not to do something? If it's a regular occurrence in your relationship then maybe it's time to break it off. If it's only the base jumping that's causing a problem then I’d forget about the idea, since asking your boyfriend not to jump of a bridge/building/cliff isn’t that unreasonable.

 

[neo202020]

He should feel lucky and fortunate that he gets the chance to sacrifice things to someone he loves? Are you a woman? Quite obviously she isnt perfect for him if she makes 'prima donna' demands of him so that she will feel ok....

1) I am not a woman, although it is quite telling that you consider that an insult

2) You're obviously not familiar with the risks involved in BASE jumping. I have several friends who are involved in the sport and I can tell you that the OP's girlfriend's demands are in no way "prima donna". She is clearly concerned for his safety and with very good reason.

Tell you what OP... dont do the basejump but also ask her to sacrifice what she likes doing. She will NOT be prepared to do it. Why? Because she will say there is no reason to sacrifice her hobby because its not dangerous etc. She cant be that committed to the relationship if she isnt prepared to understand your feelings ehh

There's a difference in demanding a sacrifice for the sake of demonstrating commitment, and making a reasonable request for him not to get involved in a very dangerous activity. She might not agree to him asking her to give up knitting, but then nobody is suggesting that the OP give up skydiving (far more dangerous than knitting ).

Often hear this bandied around....what you really mean is that it requires a "she" mentality. Guy has to get used to the woman making demands of him. And often you'll find in relationships that IT IS the guy who does all the sacrificing..compromising etc. Whereas the women just sits there and smiles.

Thank you for informing me of what I really mean. I have no doubt that that is your experience. Mine is very different. Perhaps I had the sense to get involved with the right woman.

 

[something_totally_different]

Hi there,

I'm probably using the wrong forum for this... BUT it's my best bet out of the forums that I use.

I've been in a relationship for 2 years. I love her to bits and already want to spend the rest of my life with her, this relationship just went really well from the start.

But I have a problem.

She's put up super well with all my skydiving - the trips away, the money spent, the worries she had initially, and me talking about it with friends (and often her) non stop.

Like I say, initially she used to worry and would get me to ring her each day when I was away, which I had no problem with.

Skydiving is a safe sport, and she got used to this and is fine with it now.

Thing is, I really *REALLY* want to get into B.A.S.E. jumping, and was planning to go on a first jump course later this summer. She was not even up for discussing this - she almost took it as a joke and when I mentioned it again, just told me "No, you're not".

Thing is, I am.

It's been my key aim for a while, and I can't just not do it. I'm not the kind of person who just doesn't do things - life is for living, and if I want to do something, I go out there and do it.

I've postponed the trip for a year in the hope that I can get her round to it. If I can't, I don't know what I'll do...

Am I being selfish? You'll probably all say yes, and I suppose I am! But so far I've been living my life just as I'd want to - "living the dream" I suppose. It's been great fun, if expensive, and there's no way I'm stopping now.

But then again, for me the last piece of the puzzle of my life is to have kids and watch them grow up - and I want to do this with her.

Talk to me, OcUK!

from someone who recently lost the love of his life, the magic word here is compramise. she has already accepted the sky diving, now you should accept that and be happy with what your doing. Quit pushing your luck and causing yourself problems ffs.

love her and be happy. To lose the one you love is the worst thing i have ever experienced, and you would be subjecting her to the constant worry of her losing the one she loves on a regular basis.

sky diving = fun and safe
base jumping = fun but its not for anyone with a responsibility to others unless the other party is happy with it. She obviously wont be so can it and go do something safer like sticking your hand in a blender with the power turned on.

 

[Surfer]

1) I am not a woman, although it is quite telling that you consider that an insult

that was said tongue in cheek i didnt think i had to use the

2) You're obviously not familiar with the risks involved in BASE jumping. I have several friends who are involved in the sport and I can tell you that the OP's girlfriend's demands are in no way "prima donna". She is clearly concerned for his safety and with very good reason.

Everything in life is dangerous. If she trusts and has confidence in his abilities then there would be no issue here. As has been suggested earlier in the thread he should introduce her to skydiving and then learning about basejumping. She should see how committed, capable and safety conscious he is: ergo her fears are asuaged. Problem solved


Begbie has the right idea on how to approach this

Do it, she wont leave you because of it. Just buy her some flowers and chocs. Or better yet and do what every other guy does and don't tell her - problem solved - it would be just like cheating but with a parachute.

Its much easier to say sorry than it is to ask/get permission. But foregoing that just remember a woman's mind is very fickle. They may say they dont want you to do something but that doesnt necessarily mean that you shouldnt do it. I personally think the OP just needs to show her that this is basically a lifes dream for him and that he will be alright.

Thank you for informing me of what I really mean.

No problem glad to help

 

[neo202020]

Everything in life is dangerous. If she trusts and has confidence in his abilities then there would be no issue here. As has been suggested earlier in the thread he should introduce her to skydiving and then learning about basejumping. She should see how committed, capable and safety conscious he is: ergo her fears are asuaged. Problem solved

Your every post proves how little you know about BASE jumping (and relationships, and life in general).

Some basic facts about BASE jumping:

1. BASE jumping typically involves jumping off fixed objects with no reserve chute. This means a standard equipment malfunction (when I went skydiving 2 people who jumped with me had to deploy their reserves) = 99.99% certain death. Another fact is that most experienced skydivers have had to deploy their reserve chute at some point. What makes skydiving safe is that you a) have a reserve and b) have altitude (=time) to make use of it. Not the case in BASE. You can be as skilled, safety-concious and experienced as you want but if your chute fails to open, bye-bye. (There are exceptions to prove this rule, but they are very rare).

2. BASE jumping involves jumping off a fixed object. In most cases, the greatest danger to you is the object you're jumping off. This means that if your parachute happens to open at a wrong angle (off-opening or the dreaded 180 where you end up facing the cliff/dam/pylon/building etc) you will hit it at great speed and die. Skill, experience and luck may help in this situation but a little bad luck and you're dead. When I say "a little bad luck" I don't mean "hit by a bus" bad luck, I mean "the chute didn't quite open as you'd hope" bad luck.

3. BASE jumping is illegal in most countries, and getting to objects you can jump off often involves trespassing and other illegal acts. This means that, with rare exceptions, BASE jumping is performed with no medical assistance nearby, and sometimes under cover of night to avoid detection increasing the risk of death from injury and of injury itself. In addition several BASE jumpers have died during pursuit by police after the jump. The fact that you can end up with a criminal record is another issue worth considering.

These are just some very basic facts about BASE. I have no doubt that the OP is aware of them so I provide them for your benefit. The point here is that he is willing to risk his life and she's not so keen. He's acknowledged the risks himself.

Its much easier to say sorry than it is to ask/get permission. But foregoing that just remember a woman's mind is very fickle. They may say they dont want you to do something but that doesnt necessarily mean that you shouldnt do it. I personally think the OP just needs to show her that this is basically a lifes dream for him and that he will be alright.

Lying is often much easier. It's true that women can be indecisive (or more likely unclear in their expressions of what they want) but I don't think that's the case here at all. I hope I break no rules if I say that, imho, Begbie's suggestion is idiotic to the point of being dangerous.

No, she won't "leave him" because "she's scared for his safety" but if you think their relationship won't be ruined by deceit and dishonesty you know very little about women No doubt, that's what got you to the bitter state you're in now.

 

[Surfer]

1. I dont need to be an expert on basejumping. The OP does. Your waffle about basejumping is pretty much irrelevant.

2. Lying to protect someone's feelings is a heckuva lot more sensitive than your "holier than thou" nothing but the gods honest truth attitude to relationships imo.

You'll learn though. See life isnt that simple

3. Seems to me you've got a lot to learn about women m8. And what you interpret as bitterness is mere jocularity

 

[neo202020]

1. I dont need to be an expert on basejumping. The OP does. Your waffle about basejumping is pretty much irrelevant.

2. Lying to protect someone's feelings is a heckuva lot more sensitive than your "holier than thou" nothing but the gods honest truth attitude to relationships imo.

You'll learn though. See life isnt that simple

3. Seems to me you've got a lot to learn about women m8. And what you interpret as bitterness is mere jocularity

1. It's quite relevant. You're saying that all he needs to do is show her it's safe. What I'm saying is it's not safe and the OP knows it.

2. You're not suggesting he lies to her to "protect her feelings", you're suggesting he lies to her to get his way and get around her feelings, i.e. hurt them badly in the long run when she finds out (which she, inevitably, will).

 

[Surfer]

What I'm saying is it's not safe and the OP knows it.

neither is walking across the road...

But there should be a level of trust that she has in him to keep himself safe. I'm sure he wouldnt dream of doing it if there was a strong likelihood of serious harm/death to himself. He just has confidence in himself. This is a test of their relationship to be sure

2. You're not suggesting he lies to her to "protect her feelings", you're suggesting he lies to her to get his way and get around her feelings, i.e. hurt them badly in the long run when she finds out (which she, inevitably, will).

You dont get it.

If he loves her then its obvious then he isnt doing this to hurt her. Where do you get that idea?

In fact your the one who introduced the idea that lying = hurting people. I'm suggesting a way which will safeguard the feelings of all those in the relationship (not just hers). Its about "we" remember


You seem to be assuming that any secret in a relationship will come out and ergo that will badly damage the relationship. Thats quite a naive view imo.
I would disagree completely: i would say they are necessary to a healthy relationship

 

[Leodido]

having seen a video of a guy missing his jump and basically finishing crushed at the foot of a dam i can understand her concern! You should speak to her really seriously about it i guess and see whats the outcome, looking about what you said you didn't seriously speak with her

 

[LordSplodge]

To be honest if my wife wanted to go base jumping I wouldn't want her to do it. Compromising would be difficult as although I would want her to do things she enjoys I wouldn't want to risk losing her.

I go off to the mountains on a regular basis often on my own in difficult (read: treacherous) conditions and although she isn't a big fan of it she lets me do it. So we compromised on that. There have been other situations that I have compromised on thus balancing this out...

Thing is a relationship needs good communication and the ability to reach a mutual compromise.

If the OP cannot find mutual ground with his GF he is going to have to figure out what is most important his hobby or his woman. Life is a series of choices and sometimes we play them right sometimes we don't but we must play the game.

Oh and to those people who seem to be a bit bitter towards women implying that they always win the compromise it simply isn't true. Like I have said compromise is often needed in a relationship but it cannot be one sided otherwise it becomes control and if one side is doing that they have a problem.

 

[Helium_Junkie]

Hi there,
when I mentioned it again, just told me "No, you're not".

Does she understand what it is? She might be getting it confused with tombstoning or something. Never know... talk to her about why she feels the way she does about it, find out what she is scared of, and try to reassure her.

 

[Amp34]

having seen a video of a guy missing his jump and basically finishing crushed at the foot of a dam i can understand her concern! You should speak to her really seriously about it i guess and see whats the outcome, looking about what you said you didn't seriously speak with her

I saw a video of a woman walking across a zebra crossing and ending up under a bus, that's why I don't let the GF out of the house any more...

What's your point?

And yes I would let the other half do something like BASE jumping, maybe I would be worried but I wouldn't not let them do it.

 

[Amp34]

Does she understand what it is? She might be getting it confused with tombstoning or something. Never know... talk to her about why she feels the way she does about it, find out what she is scared of, and try to reassure her.

Ah, another activity bigged up by the media as being dangerous... If you're an idiot then yes it can be, just like walking across the road or driving, butif you have a modicum of intelligence you're unlikely to damage yourself.

*gets off high horse*

 

[bigredshark]

You dont get it.

If he loves her then its obvious then he isnt doing this to hurt her. Where do you get that idea?

In fact your the one who introduced the idea that lying = hurting people. I'm suggesting a way which will safeguard the feelings of all those in the relationship (not just hers). Its about "we" remember


You seem to be assuming that any secret in a relationship will come out and ergo that will badly damage the relationship. Thats quite a naive view imo.
I would disagree completely: i would say they are necessary to a healthy relationship

No, you don't get it if you think that lying to her is any sort of way out of this, it's just being a coward.

You don't get to do everything you want and part of being in a relationship is paying attention to what your partner thinks.

There's no way round the fact what the OP wants to do is dangerous, so her concern is valid. If I was as serious as he sounds about the relationship there would be no way I'd ignore that, you'd have to a complete tool to do that.

I'd respect what she thinks and put in on hold for a few years and think about it again then. I'd also be concerned from your posts that you're not going to do it once, as somebody else said you sound a little bit addicted to the risk...

 

[_PD_]

Yes, she knows exactly what it is.

Neo - I'm afraid rather than proving what you do know about BASE, you've just proved to me what you don't know/what you think you know is wrong, though you've obviously been reading something, as it's only your first point that's totally wrong.... wikipedia?

I would NEVER go BASE jumping if my family/gf didn't know where I was and what I was doing. That's not safe, nor respectful.

There's a real mix of opinion on here... I'll have an in depth discussion with her when the time is right.

Cheers,

PD

 

[4T5]

What is her Mum like, Milf ?