Best one liners

Weeds
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Nancy: The boys asleep?

Andy: Yeah.

Andy: Shane's sleeping on my old Star Wars sheets. Silas found one of Judah's Playboys from 1979 under the mattress.

Andy: I'm having jerk-off flashbacks. My old stains... are still on the wall.

Nancy: My children are sleeping next to their unborn cousins. I'm thrilled.

Andy: Hey, this is where Judah and I grew from boys to men.

Nancy: How often did you guys come here?

Andy: Oh, three, four times a night.

:D
 
Phate said:
Excuse me stewardess, but I speak jive!
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Lady: Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.
Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!
Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!
First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!
Lady: Jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Hmmph!
 
Spaced Series 1 Episode 1

Tim and Daisy getting to know each other to pretend to be a couple so they can rent a flat as its for 'professional couples only', and they have only just met.

'You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh so much more is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all powerfull race of mice-spiders who will immobilize human beins in giant webs in order to steal cheese.' - Tim

'I never said that.' _ Daisy

'Ah but it would be good wouldn't it.'
 
"I never had a slinky. I had part of a slinky but I straightened it."

"The success of your experiment is inversely proportional to the number of people watching it"

"It'll pass everything on the road. Except petrol stations."

:p

Loads from T2, Commando, et al as well.
 
Rimmer: "Step up to Red Alert!"

Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb. "

Red Dwarf - Kryten, Legion :p



Lister: "I tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle."

Red Dwarf - - Lister, Demons and Angels :p
 
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Think it was the Mr Flibble episode where Kryten gets crushed, then he hobbles out and says "I'm almost annoyed!"
 
I loved the line from Gene Hunt in Life on Mars talking about some low life criminal - "He's got his fingers in more pies than a leper at a cookery class"
 
RIMMER: Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, it's bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?
LEGION: The light switch.
RIMMER: The light switch.
LEGION: Yes.
RIMMER: I couldn't buy it, then?
LEGION: Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off.
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Does anyone want some toast?
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And from Yes, Minister:

Hacker: Humphrey is not God, okay?
Bernard: Will you tell him or shall I?
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Mohinder's was one of the best I've seen. Had to laugh at Solac's post too mind!

Anything from Red Dwarf is classic though.
 
Can't beat a bit of classic Terry Pratchett:

'Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.'

'In the begining there was nothing, and it exploded.'

'I must confess the the activities of the UK governments for the past couple of years have been watched with frank admiration and amazement by Lord Vetinari. Outright theft as a policy had never occured to him.'
 
Aman said:
"Mock The Week", in their "Scenes you'd like to see" round. The subject is "Things you wouldn't hear on songs of praise"

Frankie Boyle: "Canterbury lets make some ****ing noise"
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I was just about to post that!

That was epic, had me crying with laughter!
 
Mock The Week
Cant remember which person it was but it was "Famous Last Words"

'Charles, Charles, What are you doing with that pillow Charles?'.
 
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