Best one liners

Jimmy Carr;

'No matter how much you give a tramp for a cup of tea...you never get that tea'.

Ross Noble on talking about when he discovered his wife lying on their bed after having a bath with a glittery bath bomb;

'It looked like someone had just stabbed a pixie'.
 
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright
 
"In the beginning, there was nothing....which exploded!"

- Terry Pratchett

"There's a saying in Showbiz; never work with children or animals. Nowhere is that truer than in p0rno."

- Jimmy Carr, in I Want Candy
 
Any one of the tons of great one-liners from Dodgeball, the script writers were just on form the day they made that.

"Son, you're about as useful as a ****-flavored lollipop.
"nobody makes me bleed my own blood"
"And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there! "
 
Another Frankie Boyle quote :D

Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
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Will Smith in Bad Boys 2 "ohhh you know that one puckered up my butt hole!"

Tv dont show this bit for some reason i dont know why and its quite annoying!! Its like my best bit of the film!
 
D.P. said:
"There's something out there and it ain't no man"

"I'm a god damn sexual tyrannosaurus"
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""There's something out there waiting for us and it aint no man.....we're all gonna die""

"Bunch of slackjawed faggots around here, this stuff will make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaur, like me."

Get it right :p

Besides which, the most eminently quotable line in the film is simply two words.

"Stick around"
 
Frankie Boyle: They say the Olympic's is going to re kindle English national pride, come on for 10 billions pound you could write **** off Germany on the moon.



Lord Flashheart: Always treat your kite like you treat your woman.
Lieutenant George: How do you mean, sir? You mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?
Lord Flashheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back
 
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