Have you ever been friends with a girl for ages (in this case 4 years) that you get on with so well and you become really great friends? And over the years there has always been this attraction in the back of your mind, always a bit of flirting, the occasional "moment", the close calls and near misses...? Then as the years pass you see her with others and you feel fine about, but you start wishing it was you. Then you leave the area (in this case uni) and see each other intermittently but slowly let the memories fade away, only to come all flooding back when together again. Then one night the unexpected happens when a big episode of memory floods, laughs, a fantastic evening out with a little too much wine and generally immense happiness and well being when with this person - you sleep together. The awkward moments last a bat of an eyelid and you have one of those "events" or nights or whatever you want to call it that you will remember for the rest of your life... (this was about coming up to 5th year of friendship).
You spend couple of days wondering whether what happened was right, but then you realise that it was so natural and great that it had to be good. The friendship is somehow strengthened despite the distance between you and this person. However, once again when brought together, serenity, comfort and maybe even infatuation fills you up again.
Then a period of: the occasional chat, and lack of contact as life gets busy and social circles grow apart, thing happens. Then about 3 months later, however a random invitation by the family abroad brings all the memories back - incidental you find out that the family thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread!
So you go abroad, and this doesn't feel like a date or a romantic break, it feels much more natural. You spend a long weekend abroad (in France actually, my home country, so I was a little exploited, but I don't mind!
) and you completely found yourself falling for the person. However for some reason you feel you should keep it bottled up even though you know (well I do now!) that the person shares the same thoughts and feelings.
So now once again contact is occasional, but frequent enough to keep things happy, fresh and good. Unfortunately, over the previous year, the job she wanted fell through and that was the thing she was driving towards over the past year. She was stuck up at Loughborough (at uni) working there because the prospect of going home wasn't too exciting - and just as easy to stay put and earn some money. Though now there was nothing stopping the trip to Oz... A year's trip down under. We joked it would never happen, but late summer last year it happened!! And it's great, because she was worried/scared/apprehensive of doing it - but now she's there it's fab.
So anyway from about September 2002 till August 2003 is when the whole of the above happened and so right now I'm feeling a little gutted, but ecstatic that she's having a great time, and it is something she has always wanted/needed to do to get out of her system, it is almost like a little rites of passage so to speak. She felt choked, lost and without something to aim for - all that has now been forgotten and the relaxed, happy, carefree is taking over.
It's funny because the time we got together, she whispered "Finally!" afterwards.... so we chatted and I find out that she's been fond of me (in that way) for a bit - I'm just gutted that things didn't happen. Though at the same time, I think had things happened this trip of hers would have been harder, or not happened, and I don't think that would have been fair, and maybe I knew this was going to happen so I didn't push things? I don't really think about it because at the end of the day I have such a good friend in her, well more than that I think and if she feels the same it'll happen some day, if not then I who cares I've still got a great friend!
I think she needed this trip anyway, she needed to go with no baggage or attachments, so that probably subconsciously added to my apprehension. Odd really considering normally I'm such a selfish person!
I just find it weird how things like this happen all around you without you realising what happens until afterwards. As they say you don't know what you've got until it's gone (cheesy I know - but oh so true!).
