Have i been too harsh

Skidder said:
How about some therapy? You may need it
Click to expand...

heh, I turned out reasonably ok...I think :confused: :p

Gilly said:
Christ, that was your childhood not boot camp! I would seriously resent my parents if they'd done anything like that with me.

I get told I'm harsh by our lass, because I force our son to do his homework! He acts tired and he pretends he doesn't know stuff because he is lazy. Well I'll get that out of him quite easily if it is stopped early enough. However, I wouldn't ever traumatise him to get him to stop being naughty or to make him fear me.

That is a cowardly, lazy method of parenting.
Click to expand...

it didn't traumatise me or my siblings in any shape or form, nor did it make any of us resent our parents, it wasn't like we were constantly beaten or anything, it was punishment reserved for the most severe misbehaviour, which was very rare

it taught us that if we step too far out of line then there is consequences

we didn't and never have feared our parents, what we did fear though was the thought of having to hold a pair of boots up for a while as its so physically demanding
 
Gilly said:
Every single person in the history of the world will say the same.
Click to expand...

Just like to chip in and support this. I study history: read a newspaper from 200 years ago. People have always felt that 'the kids today don't know they're born', that crime, taxes and immigrants are rampant, that the incumbent government is populated by morons (often is), that the country's gone to pot, and that the end is generally nigh. Always will, probably.

It's when people stop moaning that you need to worry :)
 
teulk said:
For once and for all he was not kicked out by text ! Read the OP if your going to cast an opinion ! This is the text i sent "ok then if you think your an adult, if you think all there is to being an adult is staying out when you want and doing what you want when you want then get your things and get out" I believe im asking him IF he thinks hes and adult then he can leave - obviously he did. He could have simply appologised for his behaviour but he chose not too, instead he chose to believe he is and adult. Ive told him on numerous occations while he lives in my house he live by my rules - very easy and simple rules at that as outlined in the OP.
Click to expand...

I can assure you I have read the OP thoroughly, I was shocked by your reaction to your son and that is the reason I posted. You are now hiding behind semantics to kid youself that your behaviour has best fit with the situation. How would your child perceive the text message? will he have confided in his friends that you effectively kicked him out with your ultimatum?

Why not reach out to your son rather than looking to this forum to afirm your actions.

Your kid, your choices, but you asked for opinions and in mine you let yourself and your kid down. yes, he's behaving childishly but that doesn't justify you following suit.
 
Gilly said:
Posts such as yours are designed at stopping others from expressing their viewpoints. Their opinions are just as valid as yours.

My post was to show those people that they can continue to post their opinions because they are just as valid.
Click to expand...

Ok, i understand your point of view as a mod mate, although i think that was a little over-raction, i said it tongue in check with a "lol" in front of it. No one else complained about it, cos they probably saw it as a joke.
Of course they can post, however my point that opinions coming from non-parents who have no experience whatsoever in relation to the op and then seemingly didn't even read the full op before replying with comments similar to "you over-reacted, your kids will hate you!" seem largely unfounded to me.
My experience didn't leave me hating my parents, and my dad was always more in tune with my older borther as he was an academic, like my dad and i was the sporty type. I was also the blackest of black sheep.
My dad is my hero! So misguided (imo) comments like that coming from non-parents does leave me wondering why they bother posting.

Anyway enough of me and you bickering, i think we've both made our points mate. What say we get back on topic?
 
Oh by the way you don't need to be a parent to have an opinion on this as I am sure the majority of us on this forum either A) A teenager themselve going through similar problems at home B) Used to be a teenager and can remember how their parents handled situations like the one from the OP and have an opinion on how the punishment given to them was percieved.
 
My dad done a similar thing to me when I was about 16. I think if you asked him now he’d admit it was one of the worst decisions he ever made. I didn't speak to him for about 5 years after and he missed out. It turns out I was more grown up than he thought, and it back fired on a grand scale.

In short, don't kick him out just to teach him a lesson. Ultimately it won’t work and will just create bad feeling in the short term.
 
Kicking him out by text shows just how childish you are yourself. maybe the way your son treats the house and how he (dis)respects you might have something to do with YOU.

You were harsh, very harsh.
 
Not sure if I'd have done the same but feel that I probably would, given the arrogant behaviour.

All these " I'd have told my dad to **** off " answers exhibit that they are immature and arrogant; they have absolutely no idea about what they are receiving for free/small contribution and think that they have a right to behave how they like; that "right" has to be earned, in my opinion. When they eventually have to provide for themselves, they might get some idea and appreciate what they were given/allowed in their parent's house.

A little respect goes a long way (both sides) but taking the ****, intentionally or not, is still taking the ****.

Hopefully he'll be back soon and you can try to have a serious/adult chat where you both agree on what is fair and reasonable and the consequenses that come about when agreements are broken.

Good luck.
 
singist said:
Not sure if I'd have done the same but feel that I probably would, given the arrogant behaviour.

All these " I'd have told my dad to **** off " answers exhibit that they are immature and arrogant; they have absolutely no idea about what they are receiving for free/small contribution and think that they have a right to behave how they like; that "right" has to be earned, in my opinion. When they eventually have to provide for themselves, they might get some idea and appreciate what they were given/allowed in their parent's house.

A little respect goes a long way (both sides) but taking the ****, intentionally or not, is still taking the ****.

Hopefully he'll be back soon and you can try to have a serious/adult chat where you both agree on what is fair and reasonable and the consequenses that come about when agreements are broken.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

Bolded the main point here. respect has to be earnt both ways..
 
Hmm, as a 24 year old with no kids and a fairly straight up bringing (got disciplined in a fair way when naughty, rewarded when good) this is tough.

I would say that giving him the choice to man the hell up is a fair one. After so many warnings and "I told you many times before, please just do this 5 second job or your chores" it seems right that he gets a kick up the arse.

I think when and the way it was handled could have been better. Like someone said, he is acting like a typical teenager. If he has gone out with his friends thinking he is allowed to stay out all night - then to be be told he has forgot X,Y,Z (small things in his mind, big in yours because you told him 1000's of times) and has to come home at 9:30, is only going to get a bad reaction.


I would, in your situation, probably have given the same ultimatum and repercussions but had the delivery at a later time. You should have let him stay out as previously agreed and get home the next day. This would be the point to have planned out a better strategy/punishment and when he does arrive himself home after a good night out, you get medievil on his ass.

You could have also explained that you let him stay out and were tempted to ruin his night, but didn't. At which point you could have him do the chores instantly, some rent to be agreed and some form of no Xbox/Internet/TV. (You pay the electricity so you can control that).


The most important thing now as people have said, is to man up yourself and invite him around for a "chat". Make sure you lay it all down on the table including what will be the consequence if he doesn't do as you ask living under your roof. Build on your relationship with him, don't destroy it.

It sounded like he needed a taste of reality which you have possibly given him. Now is the time to work it out for the better with everyone involved.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.


(Ahh parenting, something to look forward too in much, much, much later life I suppose :p)
 
Morba said:
Kicking him out by text shows just how childish you are yourself. maybe the way your son treats the house and how he (dis)respects you might have something to do with YOU.

You were harsh, very harsh.
Click to expand...

morba is right.

also he's 17 and u want him to be home 9.30pm? LOL sorry he's nearly adult, let him decide what time he come home.

when i was 17, i get home anytime i want.
 
The problem with the decision you were faced with is that it's a potentially family-breaking one to make. I understand your frustration but it sounds very harsh to me, particularly when you're aware he earns next to nothing to support himself.

I hope it works out and that he doesn't resent you too much at the end of all this. Tough love is great until it becomes a wall between two parties.
 
wesley said:
morba is right.

also he's 17 and u want him to be home 9.30pm? LOL sorry he's nearly adult, let him decide what time he come home.

when i was 17, i get home anytime i want.
Click to expand...

He wanted him home at 9:30 because he hadn't done what he had been told, as such he was being punished. Obviously 9:30 isn't the norm. :rolleyes:


I don't agree with the kicking out, that is a bit harsh. There would have been some serious consiquences had he not been home at 9:30 however.


Also, if he won't do the jobs he's given, why not just stop doing things for him so he has to.

i.e.

No more doing his washing
No more doing his ironing
No more making his meals

etc etc.
 
Kind of a mix of both sides, I am not a parent however my 2 cents:

If he doesn't want to do chores, ask him to pay money towards the house (as others have suggested). Tell him the more he does around the house, the less cash he has to give you.

Finally, 9:30PM isn't that late really to expect someone to come in, when I was younger (his age) I used to be around a friends house till like 2AM some nights playing Tekken - I admit though, my parents did know where I was, and I was just down the road but still.
 
He is out of order not doing his chores. You are bordering on being a wreckless parent for kicking him out for not closing the lounge door and staying out past 9.30pm.

He was wrong, but you were so wrong you eclipse him by a considerable amount.

Shame he's over 16, otherwise Social Services could sort you out. Perhaps he's better off without your amazing levels of parent skills, compassion and understanding.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom