On friday i kicked my 17yr old son out to teach him a lesson, he thinks hes an adult and wanted to be treated like an adult (which is what we tried to do) but by no means acts like an adult.
Just to give you and insight as to what brought this about here what prompted my actions.
Ok, now all we asked of him of him is that he does what hes told when hes told - simple as that, at the age of 17 he should be able to do that without any problems at all. He had chores do to, wash dishes twice a week, hoover house once a week, feed cats / clean cat litter tray once a week and clean bathroom once a week(all of which would take up a total of about 1hr 1/2 total a week of his time). The last rule we enforced was that the doors to living room were to be kept closed if no one was in there as the cats would get in and scratch the furniture.
Now he has a part time job so we understood that perhaps he wouldnt be able to do his chores on the days we set so we agreed he would do them the next day a soon as possible. So you can see we were being flexible. He how ever was not, he would rather play on his xbox for 3hrs befor going to work than doing the chore he didnt do the day before - he couldnt see that these chores were given to him because he should be doing them - he lives here, he eats here , he uses the bathroom so he should contribute to the chores. He wouldnt do his chores when he was supposed to so id get on at him and he would think he was being hard done by because i was getting at him as he hadnt washed the dishes for three days or cleaned the bathroom for the second week running.
Anyway the straw that broke the camels back was he just somehow couldnt bring himself to close the sitting room door for some reason know only to himself. If he did shut it at all he'd shut the cats in there but more often than not it would be left open when he went out, the lights would be left on, the tv would be left on - all these things are very simple to check before you go out wouldnt you agree. So getting back to the reason for kicking him out, he goes out on Friday and leaves the livingroom door open (two days earlier i had a go at him (again) for doing the same thing and him not doing his chores) i was obviously annoyed at this given the amount of times he'd been told to close them. Now earlier on in the week i had said it was ok for him to sleep out but given the current circumstances i sent him a txt (hes was at work) and told him that he was no longer allowed to stay out and expressed my displeasure at his lack of being able to do what he was told. I told him i wanted him home by 9.30. When 9.30 arrives youve guessed it he's a no show, i ring him and he doesnt answer his phone but instead just cuts me off, i text him asking why he hasnt come home this is the reply i got - " i am staying out. If you want me to behave like and adult then i am. Last time i checked adults arnt told curfews by their parents".............so my reply to that was "ok then if you think your an adult, if you think all there is to being an adult is staying out when you want and doing what you want when you want then get your things and get out"
I told him he can come home once he's learned his lesson. Ok he has a job but he only earns around £150 - £260 a month depending on the hours he works so he by no way has enough money to get by on. I dont know exactly where he has gone but im assuming its one of his mates (which all live at home with their parents) so i dont imagine he will be allowed to stay for too long.
Do you think ive been too harsh ?
Ok - I've skim read most of the stuff on this tread.
OP, I have a twenty year old and a 17 year old so I know the frustrations.
IMHO kids in their late teens simply do not see things the same way we older people do. When he leaves a room he is thinking about where he's going, not the door. He doesn't even see the door. He doesn't think about the furniture or the cats. He doesn't think about your rules (more of which later). He doesn't think about disobeying you. He is thinking about the fridge and a sandwich, or the toilet, or his xbox or whatever. He should be minful of the problem YOU have and his part in reducing the problem. Your issue here is to get it permanently into his thick head to close the bloody door!
Is it really his problem if your cats are destroying your furniture - thats what you are making him think.
He is at an age when he is starting to mature. Its perfectly natural in the animal kingdom (which includes people) for young adult animals to push back against aggressive adults, and in turn be aggressive towards adults. Its a part of growing up. You have to deal with it - you are the parent. The child doesn't - he can't help his mental development and hormones and evolutionary drives.
Now about your rules - he is a member of your household so he has to follow certain rules and has to help. You will have certain rules which you absolutely insist on - all parents do. But it's all about approach. You can dictate your will and fight constantly. Or you can discuss the matter, put your general position, and reach agreement on chores and obedience to essential house rules. (Does the youngster have any house rules which he wants implemented?) You can probably get exactly what you want but the issue is not the substance but the way of reaching agreement. You dictate to CHILDREN. You communicate, and negotiate, and come to terms with YOUNG ADULTS. This helps them grow. You are stunting your childs development currently by your authoritarian approach. And building resentment. You need to come to terms with what it really means to have a young adult on your hands.
Incidentally a young adult would rather literally die than apologize. Silly but true. Therefore you have to provide an honourable way for him to come back on board without losing face.
In summary. YOU are the adult. He is desperately trying to become one. You will have fierce rows, differences of opinions and frequently want to throttle him. He is a hormone driven, selfish, immature, not quite developed, not child/not adult. You need to give him space and keep him reined in at the same time. You need to impose behavioural limits and not dictate to him at the same time. You need to MANAGE him. You need to make sure he feels he is a welcome part of the family unit inhabiting your house not just a tolerated potential nuisance.
You need to be careful not to fall into the trap of playing power games yourself. Ask yourself whether you lad's unquestioning obedience and deference is more important to you than the issues you talk about in your post.
You can no longer just make rules, tell him what they are, and expect him to follow them.
EDIT: Get him to buy a simple effective door closer and maybe a cat scratching post out of his wages to solve the cat problem.
