Have i been too harsh

[Vegeta]

Vegeta I get what you're saying, but to me the OPs kid needs to also learn to grow up and behave like an adult.

That doesn't come with hoovering the carpet or closing doors. That will come with time and mistakes, forcing him out now and lowering his self esteem to lower his self worth can only make him think there are lower expectations on him now and might accept a lower standard in everything he does. Think from his point of view - he's been kicked out for not doing chores and not coming him at 9:30 - when I can gurantee all his mates are all probably getting sloshed till 1am-2am, he feels mistreated (and rightly so) and has probably a damaged relationship with his father now. It's not exactly going to inspire him to do the best in life right?

I'm not one for putting a blanket over kids at all, but you can't just whine do chores do chores do chores with no real consequences for years then push out the biggest consequence once when you lose your rag. He won't be used to that treatment.

P.S. just noticed, you constantly threaten him you are going to kick him out for not cleaning up? Man thats a whole different issue I don't even want to get into it.

 

[Freefaller]

This is why I'm never having kids! I'd just beat the crap out of 'em if they misbehaved

 

[Vegeta]

It just annoys me this is the biggest issue with the kid, he doesn't do chores and hes been kicked out, like I said a million people would die for their kids to only have this issue.

 

[gt_junkie]

That doesn't come with hoovering the carpet or closing doors.

Quite basically it does. No one gets something for nothing in this world and that is the biggest lesson to be learned.

It helps the child/young adult to realise the value of pitching in and helping out. If he comes and goes like it's a hotel then you'd imagine something will need to be said or done. Surely he wouldn't do that in a real hotel so why do it to the ones he loves.

He needed to take responsibility and grow up. What his dad did regarding cancelling the over night stay was just the same as being grounded so no where near as earth shattering as you would have us believe. Also all the other no tv, no xbox actions show how much his son has ignored this as he has continued to be unhelpful.

As for a damaged relationship i think you must have been wrapped in cotton wool. Any adult would know that they had done wrong and respond appropriately.

It just annoys me this is the biggest issue with the kid, he doesn't do chores and hes been kicked out, like I said a million people would die for their kids to only have this issue.

I do think you've missed that he has done different things to try to highlight how his son has ignored the simple stuff he's been asked to do.

gt

 

[Vegeta]

Quite basically it does. No one gets something for nothing in this world and that is the biggest lesson to be learned.

It helps the child/young adult to realise the value of pitching in and helping out. If he comes and goes like it's a hotel then you'd imagine something will need to be said or done. Surely he wouldn't do that in a real hotel so why do it to the ones he loves.

He needed to take responsibility and grow up. What his dad did regarding cancelling the over night stay was just the same as being grounded so no where near as earth shattering as you would have us believe. Also all the other no tv, no xbox actions show how much his son has ignored this as he has continued to be unhelpful.

As for a damaged relationship i think you must have been wrapped in cotton wool. Any adult would know that they had done wrong and respond appropriately.

I do think you've missed that he has done different things to try to highlight how his son has ignored the simple stuff he's been asked to do.

gt

You don't know my life mate. Fact. I've had a much harsher upbringing (not soo much physical but more mental/constraints) - which has made me adament my kids won't have the same.

And at 17 not being able to go out, yeah it is preety bad because he's only just started going out and meeting girls, I know my i've had to work for my dad on sat nights etc when I was planning to go out - I did it but I still resent it to this day.

Forcing someone to clean doesn't teach anything, he'll do a shoddy job and will just do it only for his dad - not for himself and because he wants to which is where real parenting comes in not this lazy ass version of booting your kid out the door.

P.S. OP you know you've done wrong that's why you've posted here, you were hoping people would say you hadn't done the wrong thingto make you feel a bit better about your actions but it's not about you feeling a little better it's about your son.
Accept some of this crticism call the lad up appologise for overreacting and get him back. But tell him to listen to you and make him UNDERSTAND how it makes you feel that you have to work full time and you need help, let him sympathise with you.

 

[Banzai_Joe]

It just annoys me this is the biggest issue with the kid, he doesn't do chores and hes been kicked out, like I said a million people would die for their kids to only have this issue.

How much more wide of the mark could you possibly be ????

It's not about the chores, for the love of god, its the disrespect he shows his dad in ignoring all his requests/demands, however YOU may say it.
Teulk has explained more than once that his kid has been asked, then probably told what he needs to do. He is given freedom to do as he pleases and in return ALL he is asked to do is some simple chores.
The triviality of the chores isn't the issue, its the total and continued disregard of his parent house rules and wishes.
Saying other teenagers do that means nothing.

I've already slightly backtracked from my original opinions and agreed in part that Teulk probably should have thought a little more before texting the ultimatum. But he's had countless chats with his kid, (as we have with ours), he's dished out countless punishments, (as we have with ours), its not worked, (as most don't with ours). So in almost desparation and yes, possibly anger too, you deal out a real humdinger of a punishment, maybe to create a shocked reaction from the kid. Its a huge risk for sure, but can you really Vegeta (age not known), or you drunkenmaster at the age of 25 truly understand what Teulk may be going through? He aint looking for sympathy and i wouldn't give it, but i do empathise cos i'm often in the same situation.
Don't take the moral high ground and say "as a parent you should be the responsible one...blah blah..." none of us are perfect, we do our best for our kids and it aint always the way someone else would choose. We scream at them, punish them, we may clip them around the ear, but we still love them!
If the kid is as adult as he thinks he is, then i'm sure they can sort this out between them. And if Teulk is anything like me or other similar fathers, then although possibly still angry, he's probably really concerned about his son and what he is going through.
And yes, maybe Teuilk should make the first move in reapiring any damage, but his son has to step up and realise he needs to grow up just a little more yet.

 

[gt_junkie]

SNIP

As expected TBH.

I know i don't know your upbringing mate! Fact. But tarring others with your brush doesn't necessarily work either. I stated that everyone is different. You just sound angry and that would then lead me to ask were you treated harshly as a child or are you just an angry person?

(Meeting girls and getting lashed with your mates is very very fun believe me - but it's not the end of the world when you're not allowed.)

I was an obedient child and did pretty much all i was told. On the occasions i stepped out of line i was punished - if i had continued (OPs case) or done worse i would have expected increasingly severe punishments.

In the most basic of situations this would generally be the case. For (an extreme) example punishments for offenders tend to (or should) run the same - it's done like this because in general it works.

Last thing to say is that everyone makes mistakes - it's ultimately up to the OP (and his son 'the new adult' too quite honestly) to make the decision as to what's done to save the situation. His action was on the harsher side but it had not come without warning so it's entirely acceptable 'in my honest opinion'.

gt

 

[Vegeta]

Not angry at all lol, this issue has made me a bit angry though feel bad for the kid and I don't like lazy parenting. I know you might think i'm being "harsh" to the op, but he's probably feeling 1% of what his sons feeling now.

Yes all make mistakes, but accepting that you have might help.

P.S. it's not exactly normal to post on here asking what to do, as a parent you first reaction should be is my son ok, have you contacted him or not? Do you even know where he is or where he is sleeping?

 

[Skidder]

And yes, maybe Teuilk should make the first move in reapiring any damage, but his son has to step up and realise he needs to grow up just a little more yet.

The part of this situation which I am uncomfortable with is Teuilk caused some of the damage that needs repairing through the way he handled it and doesn't seem to be doing much to fix it.

Kid's create problems in their relationships with their parents which need to be sorted out, in this instance the parent exacerbated the problem and in my opinion should be making immediate efforts to calm and repair before the rot sets in. If when your kid is 30 and you have a strained relationship and can look back and think I wish I had done something differently almost 15 years ago, you would regret it.

I know if my father had ever treated me like this I would feel let down. My behaviour as a teen was terrible as it is for most teens who are not completely spineless or to wet to have fun - my parents dealt with a lot but their home was always my home and they always forgave me and weclomed me, which is in my opninion the way it should be.

 

[Vegeta]

Real people are not robots who do exactly as their parents say and behave perfectly, there are exceptions but do you really want your son to be like that, a person who cannot show all emotions be it anger or happiness?

Pfft 3 hours sleep in 2 days! Peace and flowers man!

 

[gt_junkie]

My behaviour as a teen was terrible as it is for most teens who are not completely spineless or to wet to have fun.

Go you!

TBH i just gained their trust and then went out on the lash and had fun with my mates. I'm so darn spineless and wet!

gt

 

[Banzai_Joe]

I still don't get why those that criticse seems to skirt around the fact that Teulk allowed his son all the freedom he wanted. All he asked for in return was a little help around the house which he says would have taken about 1.5 hours per week (iirc).
Giving a kid some simple chores is just a small lesson is teaching them some responsibility. To whit the kid couldn't even do that......shows sincere immaturity to me and as well as gross disrespect. Yet at the same time he wants to be treated like an adult.
I believe, as others have said, that the way forward now, if they can get over first step, and i don't think its half as big a deal as some are making it out to be, then he should be given the chance to pay rent. If he does then he gets his washing and ironing done, if not, he does it all himself. He is a member of household. What is wrong with asking him to do his share. Our kids do their own ironing at age 14. This isn't us being harsh. We sat them down once and had a big chat telling them how proud we were of them that they actually had learned these skills and were far more independent that ANY of their friends, whom they cited as examples as to why they shouldn't have to do chores. Once we'd clearly explained our reasons, without trying to BS them, they understood. Seriously some of their school friends can't tie their own shoelaces without mummy or daddy helping them. THAT will never be my kids. One of them does 4, yes 4, paper rounds in the morning. Totally his choice, but it shows that he has learned something as regards independency, the value of money and hard work etc. and we are very proud of them for this. They can both cook their dinners if we are not back from work. They both do DofE and can manage their own kit and ablutions and can trusted to completed their scheduled tasks etc without aprental help.
However they are still 14 and do get out of line quite often. They aint angels. But once shouted at they tow the line....until the next time

As much as it angers some of you guys with Teulks reaction, it angers me that 17 year old layabouts act like this, when the alternatives can much more positive and are good life lessons to be embraced.

 

[Andrew1978]

Dont you answer your own question? All he was asking was some chores, you make it sound completely trivial and unimportant and he gets kicked out over "only some chores".

 

[Archy]

Personally I do think you have been too harsh. He's your son, and I'm sure you love him more than anything. He's 17 for crying out loud, I could see it differently if he was in his 20's, but he's still a teenager! To kick a kid out of the house, no matter what lesson you are trying to teach them, in my opinion isn't the way to go about it. Teenagers are like this! I was myself for a while, although not about doing chores I have to admit.

Have you tried taking the xBox off him if he is playing this instead of doing his chores? Taking the internet out of the house until he wises up? also, contrary to the modern view that its wrong to hit your children, a good smack across the ear wised me up many a time when growing up, no matter what anyone says!

 

[gt_junkie]

Have you tried taking the xBox off him if he is playing this instead of doing his chores? Taking the internet out of the house until he wises up? also, contrary to the modern view that its wrong to hit your children, a good smack across the ear wised me up many a time when growing up, no matter what anyone says!

Have a read further up this page - he's already done that stuff.

I've quoted it for your convenience:

This is not the first time he has disobeyed me and stayed out all night, in fact its not the second or third or fourth time hes done it - for those that say remove his xbox - its been done for weeks at a time, for those that say remove his internet - its been done, no tv - its been done, no friends round - its been done, grounded - its been done. Its not just about the chores i wish you could see this!

gt

 

[benktlottie]

This is why I'm never having kids! I'd just beat the crap out of 'em if they misbehaved

LOL, we used to get beatings as kids, and eventually we learned the hard way!

Not aimed at freefaller, but I feel that some of the comments being written here are by people that do not have teenage children. I have a 14 years old girl and she is trouble at the moment. Not as much trouble as I was at 14, hence me being kicked out on more than one occasion! If some of the people commenting here were in the situation, they would realise how frustrated parents feel.

The kid messed up and he's being punished. I dont really see too much wrong with what the OP did TBH.

 

[Banzai_Joe]

Dont you answer your own question? All he was asking was some chores, you make it sound completely trivial and unimportant and he gets kicked out over "only some chores".

but the chores are irrelevent in that respect. Its the blatant disreguard he showed his parents by NOT doing some simple chores.
He's not been punished for neglecting simple chores.
Can you truly not see the difference?
Lol, it may be that i'm not wording it in the best way, but i can't see that i need to, its fairly obvious to me.

Lets role play;

Dad: "Son, please remember to do your chores, its not much to ask considering we let you come and go as you please, and they certainly won't take you very long"
Son: *walks away mumbling* "yeah....whatever dad!
Son: *thinks to himself* "balls to that, i aint doin' em, why should i? i'm off out with the lads"
Dad: "son, you've disobeyed me for the last time, you're outta here. Come back when you've learned your lesson!"
Son: "What for forgetting to close a friggin door!?"
Dad: "No son, for constantly disrespecting our rules, we don't ask much of you, yet you ask us to trust you as an adult you by giving you the freedom to come and go as you please. Works both ways kiddo! When you understand that you're welcome back here"

I thank you!

 

[Banzai_Joe]

Not aimed at freefaller, but I feel that some of the comments being written here are by people that do not have teenage children. I have a 14 years old girl and she is trouble at the moment. Not as much trouble as I was at 14, hence me being kicked out on more than one occasion! If some of the people commenting here were in the situation, they would realise how frustrated parents feel.

The kid messed up and he's being punished. I dont really see too much wrong with what the OP did TBH.

Quoted for the absolute goddammed truth of it!

I was far worse than our two 14 year olds put together, as i'm always telling them. I certainly don't want them turning out like i did. I didn't have bad parenting, i was just a wayward kid as some are, regardless of how their parents raise them.
I will try and use my experiences to steer them in a better direction. I think that's all a parent can do, seeing as no bugger has written a rulebook yet!

 

[Metalface Mark]

Kids are always going to fight back, i did when i was a teenager, my youngest daughter is currently a pain in the neck, although too young to throw out.

I wouldnt have done it myself, but i can understand how frustrating children can make you, i doubt it will do him any harm, and maybe make him understand how much things cost when he leaves tv's on and what not.

 

[Andrew1978]

but the chores are irrelevent in that respect. Its the blatant disreguard he showed his parents by NOT doing some simple chores.
He's not been punished for neglecting simple chores.
Can you truly not see the difference?
Lol, it may be that i'm not wording it in the best way, but i can't see that i need to, its fairly obvious to me.

Lets role play;

Dad: "Son, please remember to do your chores, its not much to ask considering we let you come and go as you please, and they certainly won't take you very long"
Son: *walks away mumbling* "yeah....whatever dad!
Son: *thinks to himself* "balls to that, i aint doin' em, why should i? i'm off out with the lads"
Dad: "son, you've disobeyed me for the last time, you're outta here. Come back when you've learned your lesson!"
Son: "What for forgetting to close a friggin door!?"
Dad: "No son, for constantly disrespecting our rules, we don't ask much of you, yet you ask us to trust you as an adult you by giving you the freedom to come and go as you please. Works both ways kiddo! When you understand that you're welcome back here"

I thank you!

Chores

wash dishes twice a week (done once)
hoover once a week (done)
feed cats/clean litter tray (done)
clean bathroom once a week(not done twice)
close door (not done)

and hes got a job.

Not exactly an unruly teenager