Ok, bed bugs confirmed. One of the little ******** hitched his way to work with me this morning, and I've found a couple of husks. I've spent a good portion of the day formulating a plan of attack. Please note that this plan contravenes certain health guidance rules, so I strongly advise against duplicating the process.
1) Assault preparation
I've just gotten home from work, and on my way I picked up a tin of Raid anti bug spray. Not 5 minutes ago, I finished drenching my bedding in it - quilt, mattress, pillows, the works. Unfortunately, because one of them hitched with me this morning even after I had a shower, I can't risk sleeping in the spare room tonight. It's going to be uncomfortable.
2) The Bait
The tin of raid will stay by my bed tonight. If I feel an itch, it's getting treated with a cloud of insecticide. In order to deal with the discomfort, I've also prepped a certain quantity of alcohol, which I am now consuming to speed my transition into a state of sleep in which the itching doesn't register.
3) The Blitz
A long day tomorrow - the first thing I'll do when I wake up is remove everything from my bed and relocate it to the garage. My sister's at work, so I'll be doing this in the buff to minimise contamination - all of the exposed clothing from my room is already down there. Throughout tomorrow and Saturday, I'll be washing every cloth item I own at 90C. Since this takes 2 1/2 hrs per cycle on my machine, and I've got at least six loads with my bedding alone, I suspect it'll occupy both days. In between each wash, I'll employ my overpowered vacuum cleaner to every exposed inch of my mattress and redouse with Raid. Obviously, all exposed surfaces will get at least a few runs throughout the day. After every vacuum & raid cycle, I'll be showering a little hotter than I can bear with a nit comb and the shower gloves I received for Christmas last year that I've never used because it feels like rubbing yourself with very rough sandpaper.
4) Control
Assuming I don't sicken, I'll be reapplying a light layer of Raid to my bedding every night until this time next week. Again, not the most comfortable of nights, but not as bad as it will be tonight or it would be if the invaders returned.
Now, granted I'll be taking a big risk here - namely, that the insecticide that should only be used in a well-ventilated area, never around pets and with minimal skin contact has a high chance of impacting on my health. I'm gampling on the fact that in the year and a half I've worked in A & E we've had two admittances for underwear-related injuries and none for over-exposure to bug killer, and I live in a moderately rural catchment area.
If you hear no more from me, there's a small chance that I'll die.