Wow, a ripoff idea, faux secrecy on the product and a crappy attitude to boot. People will just be queueing up to pay £2 per minute to hear your petulant rants.
"Hi there, I've got a problem with that repair which your team carried out las-"
"HOW DARE YOU! IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO ARGUMENTATIVE I'LL HAVE TO REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE!"
"But ... but I just wante-"
"WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO CALL ME UP AND START TROLLING ME? IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?"
"I just want some help with the -"
"THAT'S IT. I'VE GOT THE POLICE ON THE OTHER LINE. YOU'RE REPORTED. ANYONE ELSE? YOU WANT ME TO REPORT YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER? I WILL YOU KNOW! LET THE POLICE SORT IT OUT! I'M WARNING YOU!"
"I don't understand. I just want to -"
"WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING ME? WHY? I PROVIDE A SIMPLE SERVICE AND YOU CALL ME UP AND BERATE ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! HOW DARE YOU! I'M CALLING THE FBI, THE POLICE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET. YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW!"
"I think I'll call back when you've calmed do-"
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! RIGHT, THAT'S IT! I'M CALLING THE PRIME MINISTER AND WE'LL LET HIM SORT IT OUT SHALL WE? HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT! NOT SO CLEVER NOW, ARE WE?
"Goodbye."
"COME BACK HERE! DON'T YOU HANG UP ON ME! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM! I'M REPORTING YOU TO ... TO GOD! THAT'S RIGHT, TO GOD! YOU'RE STUFFED NOW, SUNSHINE!"
* click *