The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[The__Malteser]

You don't need advice you say but you post something that clearly says you are looking for advice?

Anyway, just because you don't see her outside of school doesn't mean you can't speak to her in school, then that way you can see her after school and it's less awkward.

Just my 2p.

Count yourself lucky that you have girls at school and have such a large gene pool.

Just chat to her. You could ask her if she's new or something because you've never seen her in class etc etc etc. Or even just say hi to her.

Worst thing that'll happen is she'll blank you.

Don't need the advice because I do know I have to speak to her. I see her less than once a week so I close to never have the opportunity to speak to her. And when I do, I will be rushing to the next lesson, or something similar All me free lessons are taken up by studying, as I will be sitting for my A-Levels this year.

Always looking for the chance to speak to her, just never find the right one. At times, she uses the same bus home as me. Its always packed, so we end up not close to each other/squashed all together, so not really the best time.

Not even bothered if she blanks me. I'll be out of there in 3 months (on the -ve side, I have 3 months only to get to know her ). Already got bets with my friends that if I see her out of school, I have to go speak to her.

I'll try discover her name, and why not, post a pic OCUK loves pics

 

[mrk]

I know this will go against the grain of everything OcUK-GD but... Don't post a pic, are you 12?!

Also pray she doesn't find out that you're making bets with your mates on whether you can muster up some balls to speak to her. That will not end well.

 

[The__Malteser]

I know this will go against the grain of everything OcUK-GD but... Don't post a pic, are you 12?!

Also pray she doesn't find out that you're making bets with your mates on whether you can muster up some balls to speak to her. That will not end well.

http://forums.overclockers.co.uk/showthread.php?t=17954504
In the future. i thought you would get the reference

The bets are the contrary. They think I don't, when I can if I want to.

EDIT: She will never know, as all my friends go to a different school, and they have no idea who she is.

 

[mrk]

Oh I got that reference, but this isn't exactly the same thing is it

 

[MisChief]

Today would've been my 12th year anniversary with the ex if we didn't split up. O gawd.

 

[bakes0310]

Ive had two dates with a girl she seems very nice, ive worked with her for about 3 months now. But im a bit concerned about her ex, she brings him up quite a bit, she doesnt miss him infact she hates him. This guy must have really hurt her. Im confident that they wont get back together its just a bit concerning that she seems to talk about him a fair bit. Also on facebook she puts up random pictures of being hurt and maybe finding love again, you know the pictures i mean.
Anyway should i be concerned, and what should i do about it?

 

[mrk]

Today would've been my 12th year anniversary with the ex if we didn't split up. O gawd.

Tsk tsk, keeping track?!

 

[ToxicTBag]

Just wondering how people deal with the loss of a loved one?

I dont think i have any issues surrounding mine it was sad and dealing with it at the time just felt as though it was something i had to do a kind of auto-pilot mode but now the shock has subsided i feel really lost and cannot believe they are not here.
I hoped things would get easier with the passage of time but the sense of loss really weighs me down some days how do others perk themselves up? Would be interesting to know some of the things people do to try and make things easier.

 

[CaptainRAVE]

Ive had two dates with a girl she seems very nice, ive worked with her for about 3 months now. But im a bit concerned about her ex, she brings him up quite a bit, she doesnt miss him infact she hates him. This guy must have really hurt her. Im confident that they wont get back together its just a bit concerning that she seems to talk about him a fair bit. Also on facebook she puts up random pictures of being hurt and maybe finding love again, you know the pictures i mean.
Anyway should i be concerned, and what should i do about it?

You could be direct and actually tell her how you feel about it. She probably doesn't realise and being in a similar situation I would say it can be very difficult NOT talking about the ex.

 

[jumpy]

Just wondering how people deal with the loss of a loved one?

I dont think i have any issues surrounding mine it was sad and dealing with it at the time just felt as though it was something i had to do a kind of auto-pilot mode but now the shock has subsided i feel really lost and cannot believe they are not here.
I hoped things would get easier with the passage of time but the sense of loss really weighs me down some days how do others perk themselves up? Would be interesting to know some of the things people do to try and make things easier.

Well.

There's really no easy answer to that one.

If you are a sentimental fool like me, it can be very hard. On the other hand if you're cold and selfish you'll not give that other person a second thought... in the words of someone I was intimate with recently - "I cut out things I don't want in my life like cancer." (red flag right there!)

I read a lot, play my guitar, and more recently been stricter with my training splits 3-4 days a week (when you have a woman to see on a regular basis you kind of end up seeing them instead of getting on with the fitness).
I still miss my long term ex occasionally - we were together for a long time - even though we've been over for 3 years now and I've had a 6 month thing with another woman just recently (which has now crashed and burned too - pity, as I liked her).

Best thing to do is when you start to feel the fugue start to come over you, be a bit harsh with yourself and through force of will get up and do something; anything, it doesn't matter, just so as it takes your attention away from your feelings getting you down. Because the more you think and feel melancholy thoughts, the more you will begin to feel melancholy thoughts as a matter or normalcy. It's like reverse cognitive behavioural therapy

I find it difficult to be as sociable as I used to be (best way to meet someone else) as most of my friends are married and have small children now, that and work excludes most of my free time in the week to not pushing the boat out much.

Tbh, it never gets any easier; you just get used to living with it until something else comes into your life to push it to the background.

 

[Fuzz]

Anyone here dating a manic depressive/bipolar woman?
I need some help as I was ">>>-<<<" this far from walking out on her yesterday but 80% of the things I was getting worked up over had a legitimate answer.. (facebook posts weren't about me, her phone was playing up and hardly any of the texts I was sending came through)
The issues I have is her absence of any sort of care. She tells me this is the depression and I have to deal with it as she can hardly help herself at the moment let alone "feel for me"
This I have really struggled with and broke down in tears last night.. Yea really manly thing to do that!!
She can't even seem to say sorry that she feels that way, just tells me she needs time to come out the other side of it.
I am fully willing to stand by her through this if it is 100% true, but experience from past relationship break downs it feels just like she's given up and has got or is getting it elsewhere.
I will state that there is absolutely no proof she is either. The only thing that sets my spidey senses off is her hiding her phone (true sign if there ever was one) but I'm not even going down that road as I want to trust her. So hard though with the way she is acting.

 

[Behemoth]

Anyone here dating a manic depressive/bipolar woman?
I need some help as I was ">>>-<<<" this far from walking out on her yesterday but 80% of the things I was getting worked up over had a legitimate answer.. (facebook posts weren't about me, her phone was playing up and hardly any of the texts I was sending came through)
The issues I have is her absence of any sort of care. She tells me this is the depression and I have to deal with it as she can hardly help herself at the moment let alone "feel for me"
This I have really struggled with and broke down in tears last night.. Yea really manly thing to do that!!
She can't even seem to say sorry that she feels that way, just tells me she needs time to come out the other side of it.
I am fully willing to stand by her through this if it is 100% true, but experience from past relationship break downs it feels just like she's given up and has got or is getting it elsewhere.
I will state that there is absolutely no proof she is either. The only thing that sets my spidey senses off is her hiding her phone (true sign if there ever was one) but I'm not even going down that road as I want to trust her. So hard though with the way she is acting.

Been there done that with my ex some 7 years ago now. In the end there was only so much I could take and I upped sticks and left, I haven't really looked back since.

If you think she is worth hanging onto then hold on in there, but if you feel she has already given up on the relationship (like my ex did - yet I still got the fault for it) then the best thing I can suggest is leave her to it and move on - you can't put your life on hold whilst you wait for her to figure things out.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

I know that posting a link to a website probably doesn't seem that helpful but for those going through some tough relationship times it can be very easy to slip into a state where you think that you're alone and the world hates you.

I strongly recommend reading at least the first 20 or 30 replies and if you're not sold on it - it doesn't resonate with you, it's not where you are mentally, it seems too removed from your situation - then just stop reading.

I pop in and post this link on GD every week or so because it's one of the best threads I've ever read on any forum, ever. I had no part in it, it is just a glorious example of people sharing advice, despair, thoughts, hope and solutions.

e : and a quote may be useful:

Minimaul’s Megathread Corollary: You are not a special *********. You are not the exception to the rule. You are not the anecdote that proves the rule wrong. You are not in a Jennifer Aniston movie. You are not a movie with an acceptable ending for the whole audience. This is life.

Get reading

 

[CaptainRAVE]

+1 to magnolia's post. I found it enormously helpful during my break-up. A very good read.

 

[Surfer]

Anyone here dating a manic depressive/bipolar woman?
I need some help as I was ">>>-<<<" this far from walking out on her yesterday but 80% of the things I was getting worked up over had a legitimate answer.. (facebook posts weren't about me, her phone was playing up and hardly any of the texts I was sending came through)
The issues I have is her absence of any sort of care. She tells me this is the depression and I have to deal with it as she can hardly help herself at the moment let alone "feel for me"
This I have really struggled with and broke down in tears last night.. Yea really manly thing to do that!!
She can't even seem to say sorry that she feels that way, just tells me she needs time to come out the other side of it.
I am fully willing to stand by her through this if it is 100% true, but experience from past relationship break downs it feels just like she's given up and has got or is getting it elsewhere.
I will state that there is absolutely no proof she is either. The only thing that sets my spidey senses off is her hiding her phone (true sign if there ever was one) but I'm not even going down that road as I want to trust her. So hard though with the way she is acting.

I have dated ohh too many psychos. I can relate totally about the facebook post thing. One girl i dated - whilst we were going out, posted some really depressing stuff on her blog that seemed really personal (without naming names). She insisted it wasnt about me but i dunno think it was but nm!!... anyway....

Unless she seeks professional help to do with her depression then i would get out sooner rather than later. Otherwise the way you are feeling right now will continue for a long time. Theres two people in a relationship - you and her. Not just her and her issues and you trying to make her happy.

It also sounds like she is more in control of your feelings than you are. Does it feel sometimes that you are always managing their *issue* rather than them? Does it always get in the way?

Why would she hide her phone? Do you know for certain she hid it from you? if so thats not a good sign dude.

First things first - could you both go together to see a counsellor or a professional about her depression. I dont think prescribing drugs for it via GP is a good idea.

I think as long as you both can talk to each other then theres hope
(if one party shuts the other out then its the beginning of the end)

 

[tidusjar]

Going for D-day talks at 7 with a girl from work that I'm really into. Plenty of mixed signals and crossed wires have made things really awkward between us. Gonna lay everything on the table tonight though and see how it pans out.

Wish me luck!

So did you "lay" it all on the table?

 

[jumpy]

choose wisely....

@Fuzz

Regarding being with a partner with a mental health condition; think long and hard if you get back what you put in to such a relationship.
I can tell you from personal experience that choosing to be with such a person carries a great personal cost to you. It is emotionally and physically draining.

Even if you love this woman, i can tell you, that alone is not enough to keep your relationship going. You will give and give and be sympathetic until there is nothing left to give of yourself. At that point, one of you will leave the other.

It is perhaps unfortunate, but given the chance over again i would choose to leave her as soon as is possible - if only because i now know what is almost certainly coming sooner or later as day follows night follows day; her condition will take a life of its own and even if she gets professional help it will be a long time coming.

Choose as you wish but if you choose to stay with her be prepared for much more of the confusion and difficulty you have already spoken of.

Just my opinion mind.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

My girlfriend has a bad past, none of which is her fault. To make it worse her mum died last year. Bipolar etc runs in her family but she doesn't have it, her past has taken a huge toll on her though.

I feel like I can't help her any more.

Our relationship isn't healthy any more but I feel like I'm turning my back on her if we break up, I don't even want to but I just don't see other options. Don't normaly talk about **** like this but it's killing me. Feel like a ****ing **** posting stuff like this on the internet.

Sub Rule 1: You Don’t Owe Your Ex Anything
If you just got dumped, they’ve given up their right to your attention, love, physical contact (and even friendship, for a time). Any attempt on their part to push their weakness or guilt in your face is manipulation. Don’t feed manipulative exes. They bite.

If you just dumped your ex respectfully, that’s the best you can do. There’s nothing else that you could possibly say or do to ease their pain. Let them move on, and control any misplaced guilt you feel from doing what was necessary to move your life forward.

The second option, so we're clear.

 

[knip]

My girlfriend has a bad past, none of which is her fault. To make it worse her mum died last year. Bipolar etc runs in her family but she doesn't have it, her past has taken a huge toll on her though.

I feel like I can't help her any more.

Our relationship isn't healthy any more but I feel like I'm turning my back on her if we break up, I don't even want to but I just don't see other options. Don't normaly talk about **** like this but it's killing me. Feel like a ****ing **** posting stuff like this on the internet.

Seriously, as easy as it is for me to type this, you cannot live your life based on your guilt about someone else. If its not healthy, that means its not healthy for you too, and you need to put you first, because nobody else is.

 

[Fuzz]

Not sure how to write this in any flowing form but to go over a few things for a clearer picture, her depression hasn't just surfaced (well it is the first time I've had to experience it) she's had it since childhood, went off the rails, got put on some proper black box drugs in the past and has had to deal with the ups and downs of it ever since.
We've only been together for about three months so I'm still on a learning curve about everything really, mainly as she has to tell me twice before I remember it

Anyway, I've now found out what she was shielding my eyes from seeing on her phone and again it was nothing for me to worry about, just stuff to her boss that they mess about with. (and no she isn't... he's 100% gay)
I seem to get drip fed tid bits of information so have to try and form some sort of coherent story from that, slowly the picture builds and I get the truth..
****ing annoying for example when she said the other night she was going to her mates house for chilli, then when she messaged me on facebook she was round her bosses gaf about an hour after she was supposed to have "text me when she got home"! The tidbit of info that was missing that would have prevented me going WTF WTF WTF 2+2=2million was the fact the boss was going too and she gave him a lift(the mate she was going to see also works for the same boss)
One of the things I covered in a heart to heart last night which I think has helped was the fact she has to let me know what's going on more. Not in a "I must know where you are at all times" stalker way, but just to address if she says she's going one place, actually be there and let me know the full picture. In my words.. "As it's all I have got to hang on to while I'm not getting any emotional feedback from you"
It's a hollow hollow place that I tell ya!

Cheers for your thoughts Jumpy, I hear what you are saying and I understand. I think I do have to at least try though, it's far too easy to just throw in the towel and walk away from her and all the issues though, as before she had this downward spell she has said I'm exactly what she's ever wanted in a bloke, how it's taken all these years to find Mr Right etc etc (yes I feel/felt the same) and to be honest we do both have a similar path of life in mind. In the right frame of mind she is a bloody fantastic partner, you can have a laugh with her, take the mick out of her without her getting all offended, she doesn't get jealous, she's not chavvy, she looks nice, dresses nice, speaks well, her friends are nice and she mingles in the right sort of circles. She was loving and caring as well before this started..

Why can't anything meaningful in life be simple.