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On! Getting some funny looks in work.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
On! Getting some funny looks in work.
I can't really picture this, somehow
You're right, sorry, I made a glaring mistake.....
Simple. Arrange OC-UK meets. Go out. *Get drunk*. Prey on unsuspecting woman. *Get them drunk*. Sorted.
Corrected.
Well I did it and im so glad I did. Wasnt as bad as I was expecting. Suprisingly or unsuprisingly there was little or no reaction at all. She couldnt have been that bothered anyway and that probably why my gut feeling was a no. Kind of says it all really, if something doesnt feel right, it usually isnt.
Never be afraid to call it a day. If your not feeling it, there is probably a reason.
Man of Honour
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Her mothers main arguement is a) money and b) you haven't lived enough yet.
I've tried everything I can and nothing makes a difference.
I guess its now just a waiting game for me, I have a feeling that when it comes to actually having the abortion she may realise what it means and can't go through with it
A friend of mine had this issue with his (soon to be) mother in law.
There is quite an age gap between him and her (he is 45, and she 22) but they love each other. Whilst she was pregnant with their first child there were lots of huge arguments between him and her, and him and her mum. She left him at one point and moved back to her mums, but it eventually (though a lot of tears) sorted itself out and they have since had another baby and they are engaged.
The only thought I kept having at the time was what a horrible person her mum was! Yes, if my mum was unhappy with the guy I was with, she would tell me, but she wouldn't cause arguments and try and force me into doing something I didn't want to do.
Like I told him at the time, at the end of it all, your that babies father and you have 50% of the say in the matter of its life (all aspects that is) and your GF has the other 50% NO ONE ELSE!
Her mum isn't going to give birth, or be there at 3am for the feeds. Or be there when the baby wont sleep cause it is teething. Speak to your GF and tell her that whilst you understand that she is her mum, she shouldn't be trying to make decision for her and if your GF truly deep down wants an abortion then it has to be your GF's choice not her mum's
Good luck MLRO
Edit: Just seen your post above
Question for everyone - how old were your parents when they had you?
I know that my parents got married young (20 and 22) but they were married for 8 years before my mum had my elder sister then me 4 years later. Personally, I would have preferred to have had a baby younger than I am now (27), but at the same time, I still don't feel ready to have a child full time in my life. HOWEVER, knowing what I know about my body now, if I had fallen pregnant at 22 I would have kept it regardless of the situation and I would have worked my ass off to provide for that child. I am way to selfish to be a parent now. And I know this as my OH has a child from his previous relationship and that is hard work - working 5 days a week and looking after a 3 year old pretty much every weekend...but people say its different when its your own *shrugs*
No - don't accept it and don't go down without a fight. This is nothing to do with her mum. Your life doesnt end when you have child, it changes MASSIVELY, but cause you are both young, you will still be 'young enough' to have a 'life' once the child has grown up...also you can have a 'life' with the child - makes things all the better as you are building memories for you all
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Soldato
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If she has an abortion, you need to anticipate there being serious ramifications to your relationship because of the way it will come about:
a) As you seem to have reconciled yourselves to keeping the baby, you had made that mental decision already, something like this could cause a major breakdown between you two. However, if you have been pressuring her to keep the baby and she has been unsure then you need to give her some time.
b) The influence of her mum on your whole relationship will always be a negative and you may never get past this point. If she has this much influence going forward with such a major thing (assuming it is her mum and not her), expect your relationship to be a nightmare as she will be able to stick her nose into even the smallest things.
If this was something you had both mutually decided it would be very different to her having decided this on her own with her mum.
If she goes through with the abortion and it isn't what you or her really wanted, don't be afraid to walk away from the relationship because the chances are it will go down hill.
Whilst I agree that the mum has no say regardless to whether the baby is born or not. Is the mum actually a horrible person or simply concerned for her daughter?
Young couples love to say that they're madly in love and have a kid because they know they're gonna stay together.....then they don't or stay in an unhappy relationship due to having a child. Knowone knows your personal situation but I couldn't blame the mum for not wanting her daughter to tie herself down at a young age (Not sure how old your gf is but as your 21 assuming the same or younger). There are plenty of people who do have a happy relationship from a young age and stay together but sorry to say they are few and far between.
Probably get some angry responses but whilst I 100% agree it is not her mums decision in any way you should really think whether having the baby when your both so young is best for both your lives?
40% of all benefit claimants are single women. I do wonder how many of them had a child because they were in such a happy relationship!
Should point out i'm not against children at all but I am against young couples having children simply because it would be nice and they THINK they will be together forever.
Young couples love to say that they're madly in love and have a kid because they know they're gonna stay together.....then they don't or stay in an unhappy relationship due to having a child. Knowone knows your personal situation but I couldn't blame the mum for not wanting her daughter to tie herself down at a young age (Not sure how old your gf is but as your 21 assuming the same or younger). There are plenty of people who do have a happy relationship from a young age and stay together but sorry to say they are few and far between.
Probably get some angry responses but whilst I 100% agree it is not her mums decision in any way you should really think whether having the baby when your both so young is best for both your lives?
40% of all benefit claimants are single women. I do wonder how many of them had a child because they were in such a happy relationship!
Should point out i'm not against children at all but I am against young couples having children simply because it would be nice and they THINK they will be together forever.
seriously? as in you're in a pub, chatting to a girl and you've thought this?
both of which are very very important points.
Associate
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Me and my ex went through a similar situation however we were younger... we found out she was pregnant and couldnt make a descsion. there was no sensible decsion that could be made, it has to come from the heart, yours and hers!
we had a very emotional coversation round her house with her mum and my parents.
needless to say it was a very heated conversation, i was in tears, she was in tears, it all got very heavy. neither my parents or hers wanted us "to throw our lives away so early" etc....
but as we all know parents can be very pushy as yes they do want was they beileve is best for their children, but at the end of the day they are still human and can be in the wrong, and can sometimes go about this the "wrong" way. But no matter how horrible the mother is being, the bottom line is, she will want what she bieleves is best for her child, yes this might not be correct in our eyes, and her actions arent fair to you, your partner and the baby.
ultimatley the decsion has to come down to you and your partner, all of this stuff with her mother etc... needs to be stripped away and you two need to sit down and talk about what you both want and accept what each other wants and how they feel.
once YOU and HER have come to a decsion, you can then deal with the mother, yes she might be angry to start off with but she will soon realise, she cant do anything to change it and its out of her control, she can then deal with it in her own way and you can all move forward, and once your decsion is made, be strong and stick with it.
The most important fact is that this decsion is made by you and your partner, because if its not, it will just cause problems later down the line.
keeping the baby and having abortion, both have....Pro's and con's shall we say...... but these mean nothing as the decsion has to come from the heart.
we had a very emotional coversation round her house with her mum and my parents.
needless to say it was a very heated conversation, i was in tears, she was in tears, it all got very heavy. neither my parents or hers wanted us "to throw our lives away so early" etc....
but as we all know parents can be very pushy as yes they do want was they beileve is best for their children, but at the end of the day they are still human and can be in the wrong, and can sometimes go about this the "wrong" way. But no matter how horrible the mother is being, the bottom line is, she will want what she bieleves is best for her child, yes this might not be correct in our eyes, and her actions arent fair to you, your partner and the baby.
ultimatley the decsion has to come down to you and your partner, all of this stuff with her mother etc... needs to be stripped away and you two need to sit down and talk about what you both want and accept what each other wants and how they feel.
once YOU and HER have come to a decsion, you can then deal with the mother, yes she might be angry to start off with but she will soon realise, she cant do anything to change it and its out of her control, she can then deal with it in her own way and you can all move forward, and once your decsion is made, be strong and stick with it.
The most important fact is that this decsion is made by you and your partner, because if its not, it will just cause problems later down the line.
keeping the baby and having abortion, both have....Pro's and con's shall we say...... but these mean nothing as the decsion has to come from the heart.
Man of Honour
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My parents we're 17 and 20 when they had me, I'm the oldest, Hers early 30s.
Money isn't an issue we did the figures added 10% and still had money left at the end of the month, but yes I can understand having not lived enough so to speak.
I also understand that this will have major repercussions on our relationship, something I have warned her of. I don't know how this will affect us long or short term but I don't see it being easy as I'm having a very tough time dealing with it.
We had discussed a decided what we both wanted before parents we're involved. This being me telling her how I felt and doing the finances etc with her then letting her make a decision based on all of that and how she felt.
I don't want to walk away from the relationship in a few months time but I am however prepared to do so if it affects things negatively as in the long run it will be better for both of us.
As far as not going down without a fight, I have done all I can. I can't even mention the subject now without being told to stop.
By the end it came down to her mother pretty much giving her the choice of me and the baby or her mother. A decision I can't make her make so I resigned to the fact that she is going to get an abortion. She is saying that it is what she wants and she feels we're too young after thinking about it more. Something I can comprehend after what we had been talking about earlier that day as well as things that she had said to my step-mum that morning.
Money isn't an issue we did the figures added 10% and still had money left at the end of the month, but yes I can understand having not lived enough so to speak.
I also understand that this will have major repercussions on our relationship, something I have warned her of. I don't know how this will affect us long or short term but I don't see it being easy as I'm having a very tough time dealing with it.
We had discussed a decided what we both wanted before parents we're involved. This being me telling her how I felt and doing the finances etc with her then letting her make a decision based on all of that and how she felt.
I don't want to walk away from the relationship in a few months time but I am however prepared to do so if it affects things negatively as in the long run it will be better for both of us.
As far as not going down without a fight, I have done all I can. I can't even mention the subject now without being told to stop.
By the end it came down to her mother pretty much giving her the choice of me and the baby or her mother. A decision I can't make her make so I resigned to the fact that she is going to get an abortion. She is saying that it is what she wants and she feels we're too young after thinking about it more. Something I can comprehend after what we had been talking about earlier that day as well as things that she had said to my step-mum that morning.
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either way your relationship will never be the same again, i can assure you.....
but at the end of the day, you just need to try and be there for her, but at the same time feeling your feelings aswell and making sure she knows how you feel.
i know thats a difficult balance given you both seem to have different feelings.
i struggle to see how a mother can give that ultimatum, the only way i can see it is that its most likley to shock her into "oh no i cant live without my mum" type thing....
try to take care of yourself aswell, feel your feelings, because no matter what happens you need to be strong! for your sake and your partners.
maybe you and your partner can have some couple time? an evening out for dinner? a weekend away? just some time away from the whole situation! i did this with my partner, it did us both a lot of good, just time to relax! but not forgetting the situation does exist.
but at the end of the day, you just need to try and be there for her, but at the same time feeling your feelings aswell and making sure she knows how you feel.
i know thats a difficult balance given you both seem to have different feelings.
i struggle to see how a mother can give that ultimatum, the only way i can see it is that its most likley to shock her into "oh no i cant live without my mum" type thing....
try to take care of yourself aswell, feel your feelings, because no matter what happens you need to be strong! for your sake and your partners.
maybe you and your partner can have some couple time? an evening out for dinner? a weekend away? just some time away from the whole situation! i did this with my partner, it did us both a lot of good, just time to relax! but not forgetting the situation does exist.
Soldato
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See it depends how you look at it. Kids are probably one of life's greatest adventures.
Also your age isn't really a problem, there are plenty of challenging things you will go through in life and kids are just one of them, albeit they are the one thing that are a lot harder to walk away from.
Not only that but having kids young means you have the energy to enjoy them and will still have plenty of life left in you when they become less dependent. You will also have more in common as they grow up. Just hitting late 30s - early 40s with older teenagers (17-19) means you also get to enjoy what will be a great time in your lives. People who have kids late may have enjoyed their 20s and 30s but effectively won't see daylight until their retirement.
40 isn't old like it used to be. So the adage of not having lived because of having kids young really no longer rings true.
Its whether you will be prepared to work at your relationship over your lives that will make the difference to the longevity and define you as a couple. I know enough couples who met at 16/17 had kids in their very early 20s and are still together and happy in retirement, to know it is very achievable. If you meet the right person then they are simply the right person and you get to enjoy your lives together.
Man of Honour
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either way your relationship will never be the same again, i can assure you.....
but at the end of the day, you just need to try and be there for her, but at the same time feeling your feelings aswell and making sure she knows how you feel.
i know thats a difficult balance given you both seem to have different feelings.
i struggle to see how a mother can give that ultimatum, the only way i can see it is that its most likley to shock her into "oh no i cant live without my mum" type thing....
try to take care of yourself aswell, feel your feelings, because no matter what happens you need to be strong! for your sake and your partners.
maybe you and your partner can have some couple time? an evening out for dinner? a weekend away? just some time away from the whole situation! i did this with my partner, it did us both a lot of good, just time to relax! but not forgetting the situation does exist.
Things are already different, I feel lost for words and don't know what to say. I've been there for her and been strong for her since day one. You hit the nail on the head as far as her mum there.
I'm trying to feel my feels and let her know but I basically get ignored or told to shut up.
We are trying to do "couple" time, we went bowling saturday and we're going out for a meal thursday. I don't think I can get over this though, I feel too strongly about what I wanted and feel so hurt/let down that she has changed her mind like this.
I'm taking care of myself best as I can, I went into work friday hoping it would distract me a little but it didn't help. I was there an hour before I asked for a word in private with one of the management team, I barely managed 3 words explaining what was wrong before I broke down into tears.
Haha! Well the mind wonders...
Actually not really just an explanation for thinking how its going conversation wise, quite a few girls I've stood about chatting with and been a bit "why am I still in this conversation" as they haven't been that engaging.
So not quite "relationship" issues, but there's a girl i work with who's been having a pretty rough time of things and i want to take her out to cheer her up, but how can i make something like bowling/cinema seem non-date like, obviously just friends but don't want her to get the wrong idea... ?
Invite a few other people that you know. That way she will feel more relaxed.
So it turns out I am now my ex's dirty mister. She took me to a gig on Saturday and we ended the night pretty hot and heavy. I found out today she's been seeing a fella since the beginning of February. She wants to see me again. Win?
the real question you have to ask here is, what would you feel if the roles were reversed?
I dump the cheating ***** and find another with less crap to deal with , because it will definitely not end well for you.
It was a pretty ****** up relationship to begin with. We cheated on each other a couple of times. I'll go with it whilst the giving is good. Not going to stop me looking for someone serious.