If shes changed that much from the person you loved then treat it as if the girl you love died. mourn, deal with the loss then remember the woman who loved you would have wanted you to move on and be happy not mope about her once shed gone.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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If shes changed that much from the person you loved then treat it as if the girl you love died. mourn, deal with the loss then remember the woman who loved you would have wanted you to move on and be happy not mope about her once shed gone.
Here's a weird one,
About a year or so ago I broke up with my girlfriend. It was shortly after our holiday when I noticed things weren't quite right; she was never the affectionate type, touchy-feely or ever really talked/showed her feelings about me/us. I thought she would open up emotionally over time but alas, she did not. Now, I'm not someone who requires constant validation or needs to be tied to the hip of a woman, but every now and again...I just need something.
Like mature adults we did talk about this and tried to come to a happy medium, but it was never reached on her side and that was when I decided to call it a day, and at the time was upset but ultimately confident in my decision, considering both my feelings and hers.
Fast forward a few months and I met someone new, happy, and going well. Not a thought about the ex.
I was on the train last Friday and noticed someone a few seats ahead who looked liked my ex. I could only see the back of her so it was quite hard to tell at the time. Anyway, I got really nervous and started to feel sick, I just didn't want to confront her, if it was my ex. Not because I felt guilty but because for a split second I remembered everything from our relationship, from our first date to the day we broke up. I started thinking about where we would be if she was just a little more affectionate, a little more open. Turns out it wasn't her.
Now I find it hard to get it out of my head. I don't understand.
Hmm.
About a year or so ago I broke up with my girlfriend. It was shortly after our holiday when I noticed things weren't quite right; she was never the affectionate type, touchy-feely or ever really talked/showed her feelings about me/us. I thought she would open up emotionally over time but alas, she did not. Now, I'm not someone who requires constant validation or needs to be tied to the hip of a woman, but every now and again...I just need something.
Like mature adults we did talk about this and tried to come to a happy medium, but it was never reached on her side and that was when I decided to call it a day, and at the time was upset but ultimately confident in my decision, considering both my feelings and hers.
Fast forward a few months and I met someone new, happy, and going well. Not a thought about the ex.
I was on the train last Friday and noticed someone a few seats ahead who looked liked my ex. I could only see the back of her so it was quite hard to tell at the time. Anyway, I got really nervous and started to feel sick, I just didn't want to confront her, if it was my ex. Not because I felt guilty but because for a split second I remembered everything from our relationship, from our first date to the day we broke up. I started thinking about where we would be if she was just a little more affectionate, a little more open. Turns out it wasn't her.
Now I find it hard to get it out of my head. I don't understand.
Hmm.
Hi mate i'd be careful about posting up what she's posted on Twitter, quick Twitter search brings up her profile quite easily - not sure if you're bothered about that or not but thought i'd bring it to your attention!
He got depressed about things but hadn't told me, just kept pushing me away and became aggressive towards me. If I tried to hug him he'd ignore me. Eventually I backed away and we just grew apart.
On one occasion he kicked me in the chest because I think I'd responded sarcastically to something.
He was very possessive of me and it just got too much. When we split he decided to put an ad in a paper with my parents landline number saying I was offering "massages and more", constantly pranked my phone, sent texts, hacked into my email account, placed orders, registered for things in my name. Sent Ann Summers catalogue to my work (like that would've got me into trouble anyway
) it was hell.There was a guy I had been talking to purely as a friend (I'd fallen out with my girly mates because of my ex) and the more he did the more it pushed me towards this other guy. I have no idea why, I didn't even like him that way. I even had an argument with this bloke because I didn't want to be his gf, I wasn't interested and he was telling people I was
Of course my ex just carried on and then my car window got smashed and the police had to get involved.
We had been engaged and my head was all over the place. Eventually I got with this guy because I wasn't thinking and that was even worse!! Lol
I had thought this new guy was cheating but because of my ex's behaviour pretending to be a girl seeing my new bf I didn't know what to believe.
I just hit rock bottom. My ex made me feel like utter **** i felt like I didn't deserve to be happy and that i deserved all the crap I was getting from the new guy. Everyone was saying how nice he was and I started to believe that I was the problem. The more things my ex did the more I got knocked down.
I had no mates to turn to, family have never been that close and despite calling my mum several times she just kept pushing me back to my new bf.
It's been 9 years now and two harassment logs have been raised against him. I still get emails occasionally (I've tried closing the account but it doesn't seem to be working)
Sure I think about the good times and sometimes feel like I miss him but I think it's the moments I miss. The little jokes you have with each other, being looked after when you're sick etc. we lived together for 3 years and I haven't been that close to someone since. The last relationship I had that lasted longer than 6 months was 6 years ago.
I know I was in the wrong in the relationship but his reaction and behaviour was unacceptable. I hold my hands up though to everything that's happened after him. It's my fault I didn't get out of the next relationship sooner. It's my fault I've ignored my gut instinct over the years.
It's one reason I'm completely freaked out about dating anyone else lol.
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Last time I was with someone was about two years ago. I give up then looking.
there's no "looking" imo.. the right person comes without you looking.. obviously starting friendships etc is a good idea but looking for a chick.. meh.. unless its a **** buddy then you can't simply "look" for someone lol
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Soldato
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Lol!
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Very true.
The highlighted part of that sentence is a bit confusing
And the the second part he certainly didn't help with the trust issues but it was the guy after him that sort of scarred me for life. (Strangling, knife threats and all that....
)Did you split in 2011 and then get back together or have you been separated since 2011?
if so you definitely need to cut all ties with her. Stop talking about her, move on. It's hard but all the time you're speaking about it you're thinking about it. Life is far too short, you need to let go.
And the the second part he certainly didn't help with the trust issues but it was the guy after him that sort of scarred me for life. (Strangling, knife threats and all that....
Jesus, sorry you had to suffer at the hands of such a monumental ****!
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I mean as if, like as if he did that. The second guy was even crazier, whoa. That guy is completely psychotic with his addiction to abuse! Can you tell early on in the relationship if they're gonna be crazy?
We got back together in 2011, this is new.
We got back together in 2011, this is new.
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The cavalcade of crap carries ever upwards....
Hey guys and girl, kinda need some advice.
So here is the whiny pathetic back story;
I've never been classed as a ladies man, as I have the same physical attractiveness as a major road accident. So I've not exactly the most confident person in the world when it comes to the opposite sex, in fact most cases I seem to be totally ignored. So please understand when I meet a girl that’s willing to talk to something like me, my first thought is not sex or anything in that general facility.
Anyway I decided to go on holiday by myself (all my friends are married or working abroad) and was surprised by girls actually being friendly to me, which is quite a switch from my normal life. Anyway I got a few new Facebook friends and invites to visit them in there home countries but this one girl happened to live near me back in the UK.
We seemed to hit it off, spending a lot of time in each others company as we explored the city and within the hostel, hell we spent six hours just talking to each other and if I'm going to be a hundred percent honest I fell for her, she's funny, confident and has the most amazing smile and worse poker face in the world. We traded Facebook messages as I had to leave the next day to catch my train back north.
Since then we've traded hundreds of message over Facebook and funny images, one day she figured out that I really liked her and she confronted me about my feelings, I admitted that I really liked her.
She then in the most kindest way turns me down, stating I'm not her type; tall dark and handsome.
The next couple of day's and nights she spends trying to apologise and make me feel better, whilst I keep telling her that it wasn't her fault simply a misunderstanding. In the end were now friends.
Roll on two weeks, the guy she's been really into turns out to be a complete and utter male chicken in every possible way. I then being a friend deal with the emotional fallout, as I am used to it and have quite a bit of wisdom in this area and manage to make her smile and laugh again, shes now currently following my advice which involves tell him where to go and to concentrate on her life instead of seeking someone else's approval.
The problem.
She facebook'd me that she’s going to Scotland for a couple of days and asked if I wanted to go, I said yes and now I'm completely screwed up, I thought I had killed my feelings for her but they keep resurfacing every time she texts me.
I really don't want to cut off like I do when I'm normally rejected because this girl is awesome to be around, we have so much fun. Its like I’m a completely different person. But I know I cant make someone return my feelings and I don’t want to force something that isn't there or flog a dead horse.
TL: DR
Boy meets girl, boy and girl have fun become friends. Boy devlopes feelings for girl, Girl shoots boy down, Boy and girl stay friends, Girl proposes that her and boy go on holiday together, boy is completely and utterly lost in the effluent storm that is his thoughts.
Anyway what do you guys recommend
Hey guys and girl, kinda need some advice.
So here is the whiny pathetic back story;
I've never been classed as a ladies man, as I have the same physical attractiveness as a major road accident. So I've not exactly the most confident person in the world when it comes to the opposite sex, in fact most cases I seem to be totally ignored. So please understand when I meet a girl that’s willing to talk to something like me, my first thought is not sex or anything in that general facility.
Anyway I decided to go on holiday by myself (all my friends are married or working abroad) and was surprised by girls actually being friendly to me, which is quite a switch from my normal life. Anyway I got a few new Facebook friends and invites to visit them in there home countries but this one girl happened to live near me back in the UK.
We seemed to hit it off, spending a lot of time in each others company as we explored the city and within the hostel, hell we spent six hours just talking to each other and if I'm going to be a hundred percent honest I fell for her, she's funny, confident and has the most amazing smile and worse poker face in the world. We traded Facebook messages as I had to leave the next day to catch my train back north.
Since then we've traded hundreds of message over Facebook and funny images, one day she figured out that I really liked her and she confronted me about my feelings, I admitted that I really liked her.
She then in the most kindest way turns me down, stating I'm not her type; tall dark and handsome.
The next couple of day's and nights she spends trying to apologise and make me feel better, whilst I keep telling her that it wasn't her fault simply a misunderstanding. In the end were now friends.
Roll on two weeks, the guy she's been really into turns out to be a complete and utter male chicken in every possible way. I then being a friend deal with the emotional fallout, as I am used to it and have quite a bit of wisdom in this area and manage to make her smile and laugh again, shes now currently following my advice which involves tell him where to go and to concentrate on her life instead of seeking someone else's approval.
The problem.
She facebook'd me that she’s going to Scotland for a couple of days and asked if I wanted to go, I said yes and now I'm completely screwed up, I thought I had killed my feelings for her but they keep resurfacing every time she texts me.
I really don't want to cut off like I do when I'm normally rejected because this girl is awesome to be around, we have so much fun. Its like I’m a completely different person. But I know I cant make someone return my feelings and I don’t want to force something that isn't there or flog a dead horse.
TL: DR
Boy meets girl, boy and girl have fun become friends. Boy devlopes feelings for girl, Girl shoots boy down, Boy and girl stay friends, Girl proposes that her and boy go on holiday together, boy is completely and utterly lost in the effluent storm that is his thoughts.
Anyway what do you guys recommend
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You're not going to **** her.
Soldato
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Hmm, I'd go on the trip and see what happens. If nothing happens when you're alone together in Scotland, then nothing is ever going to happen. Politely tell her that you need to get some distance and then basically keep clear of her until you've moved on. It's impossible to move on when someone is in contact with you all of the time and you'll just be stuck in a rut like this forever.
On the plus side, you discovered you can meet girls and they take an interest in you. Book another holiday and go find one who feels the same!
Alternatively, tell her you can't come as you have a date! That will make you seem far more appealing than wallowing in self-pity.
On the plus side, you discovered you can meet girls and they take an interest in you. Book another holiday and go find one who feels the same!
Alternatively, tell her you can't come as you have a date! That will make you seem far more appealing than wallowing in self-pity.
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Gathered that, sorta got the hint on the 8th rejection/ apology
Tell her to get bent and that you're not going to be her emotional tampon.
Soldato
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By going on the holiday you are giving your 'relationship' another go. If you want to move on, don't go. Simple.
Imo, move on. If she does decide to like you, you know she doesn't REALLY like you, because if she did she wouldn't say no the first time. You don't suddenly become her type after a few days.
Imo, move on. If she does decide to like you, you know she doesn't REALLY like you, because if she did she wouldn't say no the first time. You don't suddenly become her type after a few days.
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Gathered that, sorta got the hint on the 8th rejection/ apology
Apologies for my previous message it was harsh and of no use to anyone.
Now that I've had a rest and have lost the headache, I'll try and give a better answer.
The main thing that came across from your post is that you've got low self confidence. This feeds through everything you say, and will be affecting your actions more than you will realise.
I know this, because for a long time through all my teens and early twenties (still am to a large degree) I was the same.
From the situation with the girl, you've proved that you're not a weirdo, that you can hold a conversation and interest so take heart from that. The fact that she wants to go on a trip with you is also positive.
However, in this particular case, I would not say that she is after you romantically and if anything was to happen, it would be brief and awkward!
I would gently say to her, "thanks but no thanks", and explain that you need time to cool off from the whole thing, cite the conversation before.
It seems like she is in need of someone to vent to, someone she does not perceive to be a danger and who she can release to, before going about her way to the next fellow. Everyone likes to feel liked and wanted (she probably got **** upon by the last fellow), and she know's she'll get it in a safe way from you.
Use the experience of this to realise that there are MANY girls in the world (seriously there are loads!), and that knowing that you're well within the statistical distribution curve of blokes, means you're down to the same game as all: the numbers game. For girls worth having, you don't or shouldn't need to badger or "win over through repetition", it's a challenge but not a concession on anyones part.
Get started with your self improvement, build yourself up for your own confidence, start spending more time reading and doing different things, evaluate what you are all about, and you'll find that over time the confidence will come to you, and as a result you will have a far greater degree of success, but ultimately more importantly you'll be happy, and will be more likely to make someone else happy.
I'm not sure on your age, but it's taken me to my mid twenties to realise this.
Good luck!