The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Adsta said:
Could do with some impartial advice :p never thought I'd go to OcUK for this but anyways...

I broke up with my GF a few months ago, it wasn't working and although we both was happy we had different visions for the future. All in all it was a mutual break up nothing to get to upset over.

Just after the new year, a girl at work (same building but don't work together that much) started showing some interest in me after she found out I broke up with my gf through a mutual friend. I have to be honest I was being a bit dumb at the time and not really acknowledging the "signals" I thought she was just being friendly to me :p

A bit after she asks me out, me being nice but dim just thought she wanted to go out as friends. So we went out had a good time when end of the night she gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. I just want to point out now, in Belgium people kiss each other on the cheek A LOT rather than hand shake, again I thought nothing of it. About a week later we bump into each other at work get talking she asks me why haven’t asked her out again. I was a bit perplexed and said oh sorry erm want to do something this weekend. So again we went out with me thinking nothing of it, I seriously thought she was just being a friend !

Fast forward to now (well yesterday) she asks me why I'm not interested in her. Naturally this caught me off guard a bit because I didn’t think she was interested in me in that way. This is where I need advice we are meeting up this Saturday and I have to say I’m really not sure what to do. My general philosophy has been I don’t date people from work, it can cause problems if things go terribly wrong (I’ve had this before with a previous job). But at the same time I kind of like her I just never thought of her in that way. Am I just being an idiot and I should go for it and give it a try or should I back out before someone gets hurt ? I have to say regardless of it all I really admire her being “straight” with me it’s actually quite nice :)

Edit: oh forgot to mention we have known each other for ~1.5 years already, but we have never been out together alone since nowish.
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She must think you're super cool - the utter opposite of being needy!

Take the initiative and start seeing her but keep the same kind off attitude going - she'll be putty in your hands :)
 
Mr Badger said:
Really? I heard that a Belgian Kiss is like a French Kiss, but with more phlegm. :D

From what you have said you both sound as though you could be reasonably mature about the situation, so give it a go and see what happens.
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lol, but yea I think she appears "stable" well will see what happens this weekend. Will post up after Saturday let you know how it goes (no pics will be provided !)

bainbridge said:
She must think you're super cool - the utter opposite of being needy!

Take the initiative and start seeing her but keep the same kind off attitude going - she'll be putty in your hands :)
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It is rather odd, when I was in the UK ~3 years ago and was quite eager to date girls I got nowhere. Since I've moved to Belgium I have not really tried in the slightest. Mainly because I have been more focused on my work and yet I have got more attention since I started doing this (well within the last 1 year) than when I was actually trying lol. I've never really been the needy type but it just seems odd that if I don't bother trying and just be slightly friendly I do better.

ps it might also have something to do with losing just over 30kg of weight in the last 1.5 years, because I certainly have noticed a lot more attention since I stopped looking like a blob :p
 
EX GF Contacting me

I need advice:
My Ex keeps contacting me. After I ended after christmas. We have met a couple of times since. but I told her after valentines day Never Ever to contact me. but Wednesday she emailed first about a job where she works and then about the day she was having so we emailed from 12:30 to about 22:10
So Today I sent her this:
Can i ask as i have repeatedly said not to continue contacting me if you only wanted to be friends. Which you CLEARLY know.
Your continued contacting me MUST mean that you want a relationship.
A courtesy would be to not lead me on if you where truly considerate of my feelings.
Is your purpose in contacting me again to restore our relationship?
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to which she said

I contacted you on a professional basis about the job as it seemed to be something suitable and something i would do for anyone.
I replied about where i might go as you asked if i had plans for weekend.
Apologies if this has offended your wishes.
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I don't know what to make of it? What do you guys think?
I am lost with her. I do care deeply for her but she keeps telling me how unstable she is. She says she is autistic but would not that mean that my direct question would be answered?
 
It takes two to have a conversation. If you really want to end it and stop all contact, then stop replying. Preferably, you filter all your devices to quietly delete any and all contacts from your ex, so you're not tempted to get drawn back into a relationship that you don't want.

Then move on with your life.
 
memy ex

thank for the advice it is not that i do want the relationship i do love her but cant cope with messing around.
this is the message i sent

I am not anyone I am someone who TOLD you repeatedly not to contact him you have harassed me for months now after I have ended it.
You have never considered my wishes or feelings.
The only consideration I want from you is to NEVER EVER CONTACT ME and please do not tell people we know each other I would be very ashamed to admit it to my friends and know my family will forgive me for it.
I hope you get stable in the future.
PLEASE GET EVEN MORE PROFESSIONAL HELP. Lying your to councillor was wrong and has not helped you.
I hope your kids have good Lives.
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True am definitely try to stop talking to Her! but do love her:(
I am not bitter I hope maybe just sad for wanting her back.
But I think after all the support I have given her as a self harming, bulimic, autistic person she should just leave me alone. I paid for every drink and meal in our relationship and feel she should now just respect my wishes and leave me in peace.


I like your advice:
JBuk said:
My advice = get a grip
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just not sure of what you mean. I try to be straight with people so tell me am not going to be unset.
 
Grah....

Was seeing a girl within my social cirlce for a few months having 'a bit of fun' both agreed to just enjoy it, I've had a massive crush on her (yes, like schoolboy) since we met and thought I'd finally had a bit of luck and something might come out of it, both kept agreeing it was just some fun etc, she doesn't want a relationship, now I've been put on medication for stress, anxiety and depression (not helped by our backing and forthing but mostly unrelated) so while I'm trying to sort my head out and stop bottling things up, I told her how I really feel about her. Things end.

Roughly a month's silence and we talk again, turns out she's seeing some new guy and pretty much in a relationship, gone from not wanting one, to being in one.

Doesn't help my head in any way, shape or form....

Not entirely looking for advice as I should have seen it coming from the start, and have already had the platitudes from friends who knew about us or i've spoken to in general, and am sick of the "you're such a great guy" speech, and while she's not worth doing anything stupid over, she's posted pics of her and this new guy on FB, I can't block/remove her without seeming petty and involving the people who didn't know about us, while all I want to do is cave this chaps skull in with the heel of my boot and it bothers me that he's 30 and she's only 23, I know there are worse age gaps and when I'm 30 if I can bag a hot 23 year old I'll be pretty pleased with myself.

Just god damn sucks and needed to vent, no-one else around for me at the moment, either all asleep, paired off or just not around, so thanks GD for being my venting wall.

TL;DR - Girl and I had some fun, I wanted relationship, she didn't, she now has relationship with guy I hate having never met and have no reason to other than he got everything I ever wanted in a partner
 
sihartley25 said:
True am definitely try to stop talking to Her! but do love her:(
I am not bitter I hope maybe just sad for wanting her back.
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And you will continue to feel that way while you allow her to pull you back into her orbit, in whatever form that takes, even if it's just messages that trade on a shared past and emotional intimacy.

sihartley25 said:
But I think after all the support I have given her as a self harming, bulimic, autistic person she should just leave me alone. I paid for every drink and meal in our relationship and feel she should now just respect my wishes and leave me in peace.
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Why should she respect your wishes not to speak with her, when you can't even stick to the same rules yourself? It's down to you to cut ties and move on, because ultimately your life is in your hands, not your ex.
 
sihartley25 said:
True am definitely try to stop talking to Her! but do love her:(
I am not bitter I hope maybe just sad for wanting her back.
But I think after all the support I have given her as a self harming, bulimic, autistic person she should just leave me alone. I paid for every drink and meal in our relationship and feel she should now just respect my wishes and leave me in peace.


I like your advice:


just not sure of what you mean. I try to be straight with people so tell me am not going to be unset.
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The Breakup Megathread said:
Think about how all of your emotional turmoil is tied up with the relationship between you and one person (and possibly their family and friends). You think staying in touch will help you get over that? No. Take a break from confronting both the source and reminders of that turmoil. Don’t call, text, email, read Facebook updates, visit, or have sex with your ex. Block their Facebook (not “hide feed,” not “unfriend”). Block their email and cell. If you live with your ex, move out. If you work with them, consider a transfer. If you share friends, spend time with other friends. Tell the people you spend time with that you want to minimize reminders, discussion, and anything else relating to your ex (unless you need to bitch. Limited venting can be cathartic if you don’t **** your friends off with too much).

Do yourself a favor and remove the person from your life that chose to remove you from theirs.

“Do not contact your ex” doesn't mean that YOU don't make effort to contact them but you respond when they get in touch with you. Cause, I mean, you technically didn't contact them, right? Wrong. It means NO CONTACT WITH YOUR EX...Just because you aren't contacting them that does not mean you're properly severing. It means do not even respond to them. Do not take the bait to any comments that raise your hackles, pique your interest, slander or cajole your feelings into responding...Every single contact will set you back to a point so far behind that it takes longer to catch up and move on than if you had just severed and ripped that damn band aid off.

It will be hard and sometimes they get offended. Seriously! How absurd is that? They get offended because you're severing from them when they ripped your heart of out of your ass. It seems so absurd that it's impossible, but I assure you my fellow GoonyGoons, it happens more than you think. The ex [that doesn’t bother with these rules], most often, is trying to assuage their own guilt when they remain in contact. It's entirely selfish of them. Now it's your turn to be selfish, stop talking to them and accept things and move on. Severing is acceptance and moving forward.
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Steampunk said:
And you will continue to feel that way while you allow her to pull you back into her orbit, in whatever form that takes, even if it's just messages that trade on a shared past and emotional intimacy.
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True it is.

Why should she respect your wishes not to speak with her, when you can't even stick to the same rules yourself? It's down to you to cut ties and move on, because ultimately your life is in your hands, not your ex.
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I did try to set the rules obviously she did not hear them as she keeps emailing me. but I was felling sorry for her as she is mentally ill. Break downs bulima, self harming etc.

I suppose I was wishing she would be a descent human being. I said I didn't want friends with benefits and she should only contact me if she wanted a real relationship.
You are right just because she cant control herself in sending me messages does not mean i have to play the game she is trying to force upon me with her messages.
 
THANK YOU [FnG]magnolia
Every single contact will set you back to a point so far behind that it takes longer to catch up and move on than if you had just severed and ripped that damn band aid off.
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Was the best advice i have ever had or needed.
PITY Steampunk could only blame me for responding
.

Why should she respect your wishes not to speak with her, when you can't even stick to the same rules yourself? It's down to you to cut ties and move on, because ultimately your life is in your hands, not your ex.
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sihartley25 said:
THANK YOU [FnG]magnolia

Was the best advice i have ever had or needed.
PITY Steampunk could only blame me for responding
.
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The point is that your continued responses to your ex simply encourages her and I'm sure you know that. I phrased it the way I did to show that she thinks it's alright to contact you, because every time she does, you respond back to her.

If she emails you all day, and you spend all day replying, then you are just as guilty of sending mixed messages. Either you want the relationship finished and you have to move on, or you keep replying to her and stay stuck where you are, neither in nor out.

You're blaming her for contacting you and not "obeying your wishes", but you don't control what your ex does or does not do. You can only control what you do. If you take responsibility for your part in it, deal with it, and stop blaming everything on the other person, you'll find it easier to move on, and easier to deal with these issues the next time your ex contacts you.
 
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Steampunk said:
The point is that your continued responses to your ex simply encourages her and I'm sure you know that. I phrased it the way I did to show that she thinks it's alright to contact you, because every time she does, you respond back to her.

If she emails you all day, and you spend all day replying, then you are just as guilty of sending mixed messages. Either you want the relationship finished and you have to move on, or you keep replying to her and stay stuck where you are, neither in nor out.

You're blaming her for contacting you and not "obeying your wishes", but you don't control what your ex does or does not do. You can only control what you do. If you take responsibility for your part in it, deal with it, and stop blaming everything on the other person, you'll find it easier to move on, and easier to deal with these issues the next time your ex contacts you.
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NO the point was YOU are assigning blame in your message. who did that help ? did it make you feel better?
MY point was [FnG]magnolia was not assigning blame but giving ADVICE on how to MOVE ON and to help me which was not given. Please read all the message [FnG]magnolia sent it may help improve your tone if you are going to comment on such things in the future.
 
sihartley25 said:
NO the point was YOU are assigning blame in your message. who did that help ? did it make you feel better?
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My, we are over-sensitive. You refuse to accept your part in this by continuing to reply to your ex whilst complaining about it.

sihartley25 said:
MY point was [FnG]magnolia was not assigning blame but giving ADVICE on how to MOVE ON and to help me which was not given. Please read all the message [FnG]magnolia sent it may help improve your tone if you are going to comment on such things in the future.
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If you can read the source of Magnolia's quote from the SA break-up thread, you should do. It primarily boils down to taking control of your own life after a break up by changing the things you can change. If you want to stay in denial, there's no helping you. Keep pretending it's your ex's fault when you've spent the whole day messaging her back. I'm done with you.
 
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