The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

porushinobu said:
fair enough, guess you just have to wait and see how it goes. or end it....
not my place to say much beyond that though. I would personally wait though. maybe another month. But I recently came out of another situation, the communications fell off from both sides though, the "magic" disappeared and it was already a strain being long distance. Still friends as we talked it out before ending it.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make, have a free hug from me *hug* :D. no matter what you decide though, it will be tough as you will either wait for things to improve or be feeling from the end of a relationship.

... I know I have most lilely just repeated whats already been said, but I have only skimmed the replies, sorry in advance if I haven't added anything new
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Well I think the communication will eventually fall off from both sides.. I don't mind contacting him first just to check and see if he's ok, but at the same time I don't want to come across as if I'm pestering him.

Thanks for the free hug :p

Windle said:
Sounds like it's over but he's got a lot on his plate and maybe doesn't want the added stress of a break-up at the moment. At the end of the day in a relationship you wind up relying on your partner for emotional support, if he doesn't want to do that with you raises more than a few alarm flags.
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Well I've not known him for that long, maybe he doesn't feel ready to rely on me for emotional support yet. It does seem unusual to me though... If something was stressing me out or making me unhappy then I'd want someone to talk to and be there to give me hugs etc.. I guess everyone's different though.
 
I'm back in this thread again!
Forgot that I could actually feel as happy as I have been for the past few months and thought things were on the up and up after meeting someone and getting quite close (since May). The usual waking up and first thing you think of type of thing, texting all day, flirting like crazy and all that jazz. It was the first time in two years that I actually allowed myself to open up and it seemed she was the same way.
Now it has stopped dead all of a sudden as she decided that getting on famously and being happier than ever was a bad thing apparently.
Texts are no longer forthcoming, if they do they are vague and lack any real effort at continuing a conversation too.

I can't help but think I've dodged a bullet as I physically cannot be that cold. I don't play games and if I like someone I say what I mean and end of story. I couldn't just string someone on and then drop them with no qualms as I wouldn't want to hurt anyone like that.
Thing is, after allowing someone in again I forgot just how lonely it is without someone who truly knows you to talk to. I keep finding myself seeing things and reaching to take a photo to send and then realising it's pointless.
That and not being able to stop thinking of that person is a complete kick in the balls!
 
Chief,
Having split from someone who was rather damaged a couple of years ago I can safely say they sound exactly the same.
You cannot fix them, they will always be like this and the relationship will always be hard work. If you want to continue that battle to stay on a level that you could class as a boyfriend instead of just someone he once went to bed with, carry on...
If not, get out and move on. Never mind your hormones and worries about being childless and a spinster.
Get out, move on and find someone that is on your level and that works at the relationship because they don't just "happen"

My ex was a nice, genuine, fit, well spoken, well heeled person too, just completely ****ed up. :D
 
Fuzz said:
Chief,
Having split from someone who was rather damaged a couple of years ago I can safely say they sound exactly the same.
You cannot fix them, they will always be like this and the relationship will always be hard work. If you want to continue that battle to stay on a level that you could class as a boyfriend instead of just someone he once went to bed with, carry on...
If not, get out and move on. Never mind your hormones and worries about being childless and a spinster.
Get out, move on and find someone that is on your level and that works at the relationship because they don't just "happen"

My ex was a nice, genuine, fit, well spoken, well heeled person too, just completely ****ed up. :D
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+1 to this! same thing with my EX.. tried for a while to fix things but she was just too stuffed for me to handle it :o
 
mp260767 said:
if she's not willing to discuss it, or at least give you an idea of what the problems are, in my experience things will only get worse i'm afraid :(.
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Things were slightly better
I just decided enough was enough. If I don't say something then it's gonna implode

So I said I'd help more around the house.. Problem is I am a generally focused person. If I don't see a problem I don't see it. And as she is super tidy (wipes the window sills each morning) I never register the state of the house as a problem. But I said I'd try. Write a schedule. This is one of the things that she said stresses her.

One of the signs I cannot ignore is the intimacy side. For me this is very much a sign things aren't right. I don't think she needs this like I do. She says it's a guy thing. This is absolutely not a black white answer but oh well.

TToday was a setback
II spoke for 3 or 4 minutes on Scotland independence on the dog walk. All seemed fine. Then got told money is tight for her.. I asked a few times if it was the animals (as reason for lack of). She said it didn't help we had a wedding (my family) to go to. I said we didn't have to go. To which the reply was.. I didn't know I wouldn't have money now as one of her guinea pigs needed putting down. I then repeated is it the animals causing money issues? This went round a couple of times until she snapped at me and said.. Shut up you are giving me a head ache. I said.. How is talking giving you a headache? So she said you went on and on about Scotland and I don't care about it and it doesn't affect me then the wedding.
I was a bit shook up. This got to me. So I've now decided if I find it interesting and it's over 2 minutes just stop talking. I then said 'is this working?' she said 'just f off then'..and she wanted to talk about something else. I didn't say any more.

I try and usually do well at not letting things get to me
Stress at work goes when I'm finished.. Its easy to deal with
If I loose money for some reason I don't care (stock market or leaving selling my car too late) I can just go 'meh' only money
But these little things are getting to me.

Am I lazy at home? I surely must be. Being my first and only relationship of any length It's hard to judge. It's probably a result of my super relaxed/no anger/extremely long temper.

I dunno why this one got to me.. But I have ya tattooed into my head today not to talk about such topics.

I don't want it to end. But my mental resolve is definitely being stretched
I take the times she snaps and never shout. Always try to smile. But it's become noticeably harder recently. Maybe my sponge is full.

I still want it to work. But each step back I do feel I get a little more accepting of what might happen.
I don't know if she has split personality or something.
She does flip out at dog sometimes too. (nothing bad) just looses it and I take her as I can deal with anything like that.
I am very much the opposite to flip out and flip back. It takes a lot of emotional stress to turn my mood over. And it will lag like that for a long time as I think about the consequences and reasons . If I get down I'll be down for a while. I'm good at dealing with anything now I'm in my late 20s,happy to be in a decent job, not worrying about bills etc.. Nothing gets to me.. Except repeated emotional stress.
Today is a bad day.. Music time and dance in front TV I think (luckily I'm easily pleased!)

Ah time will tell

Really I think I need the significant other to be like me.
Relaxed
Doesn't let things get to them
Career is important but being happy and having fun is much more
Things like not getting cross if I push them in pool
Being able to talk things out
Just happy to have the opportunity we have in England
I very much gravitate to the other persons mood. I'm not so good in dealing with emotional stress.

My step dad dealt with my mum in her depressed state. I need someone I can bounce off
 
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I can join this thread too btw. Met someone on my daily commute that I liked, was brave and asked her out and it didn't end well. Meh.
 
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Hmmm... Well he actually text me first this evening to ask how I'm doing. I wasn't expecting to hear from him :o but he sounds fine and even threw in a few 'haha's' and happy emoticons. It's a good sign I suppose...

Narj said:
I can join this thread too btw. Met someone on my daily commute that I liked, was brave and asked her out and it didn't end well. Meh.
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Didn't end well? Did you get a slap across the face? :o
 
Steampunk said:
You can't fix other people. You can just support them when they fix themselves. And at the end of it they may be different people and not want to be around the people from their previous problems.

The question is do you want a fixer-upper? Are you going to put yourself through all this for someone else you've only known a couple of months? For someone who has little time for you and that you don't see very often?

You may find it a very hard thing that poisons whatever good feelings you have for this relationship. Is this what you expected to be buying into when you started dating this guy?
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Mischief, this is very good advice. You can't fix broken, no matter how much you may want to.

MisChief said:
Hmmm... Well he actually text me first this evening to ask how I'm doing. I wasn't expecting to hear from him :o but he sounds fine and even threw in a few 'haha's' and happy emoticons. It's a good sign I suppose...

Didn't end well? Did you get a slap across the face? :o
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I think you should work out whether you do or don't want to hear from him. Everyone likes feeling wanted so him texting is perhaps a 'good sign' but a lot of people would take that as a fairly basic part of a relationship. "Gosh, he actually remembered about me!" isn't the basis of a great relationship.

Narj said:
I can join this thread too btw. Met someone on my daily commute that I liked, was brave and asked her out and it didn't end well. Meh.
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You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Chin up, champ :)
 
MisChief said:
Hmmm... Well he actually text me first this evening to ask how I'm doing. I wasn't expecting to hear from him :o but he sounds fine and even threw in a few 'haha's' and happy emoticons. It's a good sign I suppose...
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he sounds a bit unstable ;) and you're obviously having trouble dealing with it
 
Mischief, he sounds a bit like me. I did the test and got the same result, "INFP" :/

I quite often shut myself away, and need time alone, to ponder, and relax, and not have to struggle with external battles. I let my problems get on top of me, I am secretive, it takes a-lot to get me to talk about my feelings. I am often unwilling to solve my issues and I push them to the back of my mind, where they sit, and get worse and worse, until something goes wrong or it becomes too much.

In relation to a partner, I do still shut myself away from them sometimes, but if I trust them, I take comfort in knowing that they care, and that they are there for me. The thing which I rely on the most, particularly when I am stressed, anxious and depressed (as I am at the moment) is the care of my family, friends, and my girlfriend.

I can go for a while without texting or calling her sometimes, but other times I cannot, I don't understand it myself. Sometimes the thought of talking with her is scary and I want to be alone, and other times the thought of not talking to her fills me with anxiety and faux lonliness.

Often I stop talking to people for quite a while, and then I become concious that it has been a while, and I neglect to contact them after I have this realisation, because I am scared about how they feel about the long silence. Which makes little sense, as it just gets worse.

Do be wary of the fact that it is incredibly easy to falsify your emotions via text, just because he says "haha" doesn't mean he is laughing, and just because he puts a cheerful emoticon doesn't mean he is necessarily smiling. He could be putting on a happy face because he has realised that he is having a negative effect on you/is making you worry or stress about him.

Do you know if he suffers from any kind of depression, anxiety (social or otherwise), and so on?

You should talk to him about these things, if he will let you. :)

If you have any questions regarding us strange INFP types, do let me know. I'm not a massive opinionated immature Polo obsessed faggot in reality. ;)
 
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Well, I can tick one of life's lessons off the list! Don't mix work and personal! I was seeing a girl from work for a few weeks, but then she went cold and said her head wasn't in the right place and now it's just awkward every time we see each other.
 
Shotgun_ned said:
Well, I can tick one of life's lessons off the list! Don't mix work and personal! I was seeing a girl from work for a few weeks, but then she went cold and said her head wasn't in the right place and now it's just awkward every time we see each other.
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Lesson learned so move on. Don't let awkward get in the way of that :)
 
MisChief said:
I could be waiting a while :( I like him a lot though and really want to make things work. If he was a **** to me then it would make walking away so much easier, but he's a genuine nice guy which makes me want to hang around a bit longer and see if things will get better.

We've not been together long. We'd been seeing each other for 4 months and then made it official 2 months ago, so a total of 6 months. He was fine 2 weeks ago, then all of a sudden he went all quiet on me. I've not seen him for two weeks, other than the 2hrs on Thursday when we had our talk.

He doesn't contact me, but he never ignores me when I text him. He's always slow at replying though, but I guess that's just because he doesn't really check his phone much.

Communication has always been a problem between us. It's like he doesn't know what to say or how to express himself which then leads me to overthink. Again I think this might have something to do with his 'INFP' personality clashing with my 'ISTJ' personality. Some people don't believe this Myers Briggs BS and neither did I at first.. But after reading a bit more into it, it seems to make a lot of sense now.
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Between you bringing it up and someone else I have been chatting to since last week about personality types (by coincidence), I have a done a bit of reading on the matter. Now I am annoyed at myself for being ISTJ. Wish I didn't know now. One of the reason is because we have been getting on well for the last month and I found out today she is infj so apparently we are supposed to annoy each other. Another is work behaviour related. Dunno why it bothers me so much.
 
I think time apart if truly a lesser stated fix for a lot of things....

As many of you know I had some issues with my fiancé at the start of the year and we broke it off at the end of April. That was it didn't hear a thing and I moved into my new house which we built alone.

Needless to say I was so angry at the end with some events nothing would have fixed the situation. Someone asked me about her I would just feel anger, when she would do something minor which is her and I would normally just ignore and laugh and move on, I would snap etc etc.

Time apart only taught me that the need to forget things sometimes is a nessasary action to allow life to continue and showed me how much I truely did love her. Well mid July we met to just exchange some stuff and we both just naturally relaxed around on another. Anyway back to present and we are back together, more honest and calm than ever. She has just moved in to the house we built. Yes we do still have little things but the difference is now I know her asking some silly questions isn't questioning my feelings it's just getting some reassurance etc, and she know me going abit quiet after those talks isn't me annoyed its just me reflecting. So she has moved in and things are great between us, so really hopeful that as long as we talk and keep communication open about everything. Things should be okay :)
 
Haven't needed to post in this thread since July about my relationship but it looks like its over. :(

Things had really settled down between us, kids were getting on together and she even let me and my kids stay with her for a few days while my house was being decorated.

We had been talking about going abroad for a while and every time I brought it up she was all up for it. When I text last week to say shall I book tickets she said she wanted to leave it. I got annoyed because I thought why bother talking it up and when I mentioned it she blamed it on not leaving her youngest with the dad, which I accepted, sort of.

We had agreed to spend the Saturday and Sunday together with her staying over. I have a 2 year old who sometimes goes to my wifes cousin on the weekend (I'm widowed) anyway my GF made a big deal about me making sure I had the little one so we could spend time together. On Saturday morning she text to say she would come over but wasn't staying. She does this quite often, makes arrangements then cries off last minute and it just got to me so I ignored all her texts the rest of the day.

She text that night to say she is fed up with me putting pressure on her and I wasn't giving her space to breath. She had said before she couldn't give me 100% of her time and I said that was fine but recently it felt like I was given very little time. Writing this now I know I should have just backed off, let it slide and see if she made more effort if I made less - you know making it more of a "challenge" and I think I just came across as a whining female dog rather than "alpha male" don't give a monkeys if I see you or not. I would say I'm probably the first "nice" lad she's been with almost ever and I guess I just didn't float her boat after a while.

Pretty sure I've blown it here. This is the first relationship since my wife passed and I think I just tried too hard.

My GF asked for my key back. I asked if it really was over and she said yes I guess it is. I tried to reconcile things and she wouldn't have it so I asked her to stop texting and delete my number so I can make a clean break.

She didn't delete my number (probably waiting until I dropped key off) and text yesterday to say her internet was down and slipped in a little gibe that it worked before I touched it (didn't touch it just plugged the thing into the Sky box). You're probably going to say I didn't learn and still trying too hard but when I dropped the key off I left some flowers and just said I'm sorry I didn't give you the space you need. Don't have any regrets and you know where I am. Looked at the router and its got too hot on top of the receiver (which I gave her) and died, nothing to do with me. I could lend her a spare and she needed my help yesterday sorting out a MAC code. I left a note on top of the router saying "this is ******"
 
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