The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

MrJohnSherry said:
Nope mate.
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Now that she knows and it's been a few months since she split with her ex, I'd see no reason why she wouldn't want to start something with you if she really did feel the same.

Stick with the friendship (but only to the point where it won't make you feel worse about not being with her) and move on. My experience with this type of response is that it will always be "too soon".

I do hope I'm wrong though buddy :)
 
I was going to keep quiet about this but **** it, I'm here replying to others so may as well add something possibly worthy of discussion.
The reason I was going to keep quiet about it is just the simple fact I don't know how much (if at all) she stalks me online....
So, back story.
Met her online (POF) back in August, been going out "exclusively" five or six weeks/dates later and solidly since then til now..
Had absolutely no worries over the relationship, she doesn't seem mental in any way, she's down to earth, sensible, on the level, doesn't get moody. She's motivated to do stuff and further herself, she's intelligent etc etc all swimmingly good. Has a couple of times said "I just want to take things steady" during intimate moments.. Intimate moments are plentiful :D
So anyway,
Got asked last week "is this your GF" and pointed to link on POF..
Yep, it was her.. thought to myself ah yea no big deal, she hadn't deleted her profile... (I have, a long time ago) We are both still "single" on FB as well, neither of us are that fussed about "announcing it to the world " in that way so to speak.
I was just about to reply "yea no big deal" when I spotted the green writing at the end of the profile.... "online today".
Quite a few different thoughts about that...
Do I trust the website to be accurate with this "online today" info...
Makes me feel a bit sad really that even if she isn't playing the field with me, that she must realise how the other person would feel even simply "chatting" with other people on a dating site.
I mean REALLY??
Why else would you even be on there...
Is she just going with the flow (with me) until something better comes along < This is what I'm thinking most plausible anyway.
I'm not even sure I can be bothered calling her out on it...... :-/
 
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If it was me, I'd just tell her a friend pointed out she was still active on a dating site. See what she says, and it will give you a better idea of where you stand instead of just guessing. In a situation like this, it's always better to ask and get it out into the open instead of building up (possibly wrong) assumptions.

If you believe her and she slips up again, then at least you've got the start of a pattern of behaviour there, and you can make a better judgement of whether to stick with it or finish and move on to someone who wants to be with you and not lie to you.
 
wingman said:
Now that she knows and it's been a few months since she split with her ex, I'd see no reason why she wouldn't want to start something with you if she really did feel the same.

Stick with the friendship (but only to the point where it won't make you feel worse about not being with her) and move on. My experience with this type of response is that it will always be "too soon".

I do hope I'm wrong though buddy :)
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Cheers for the response mate, this is the way I was thinking in my head. I got absolutely plastered last Saturday when I was out with her and her cousin. Ended up confiding in her cousin that as soon as she started something with someone else I would just walk away completely. Her cousin assures me I am not being "played", and she genuinely is interested. We shall see.
 
Long post is long - sorry.

Every couple of months I seem to be here complaining about my relationship so I guess I'm due another post.

I've had the same ongoing issue with my GF arranging to meet up or making plans to do things together and then cancelling at the last minute.

Last weekend we took the kids (I have 2, she 3) to the local winter wonderland and everything was great until the trip home on the train when she went quiet on me and I could she had had enough of the kids. I had to nip back to mine then jumped back in the car to go to hers and she text saying she was too tired and would I not come back.

I know this sounds like a fair request but I asked her a couple of times if she wanted us to stay home and she said no its fine - maybe not wanting to say no to my face knowing I would be disappointed.

A couple of weeks back we arranged to take the kids to fireworks night and right before I was due to pick her up she said she didn't want to go. That weekend we said we would take the kids to cinema and the night before she said her kids had changed their mind but when I decided to go anyway her car was there. I didn't say anything.

Tonight we had agreed that she would come round and we would have food, watch a film and then tomorrow go to hers for dinner as she has present wrapping to do. She came round for coffee and said she would come back after going home - I knew she was going to cry off.

I get the text and I guess I should have just said OK but this just keeps happening and if I say anything she says I'm being childish and needy and she starts on this rant about not wanting to be with me 24/7.

Now I try to explain that I know we can't be together all the time because of our kids etc but what gets me is the constant making plans then changing her mind. We were supposed to be spending christmas together and I have always expected that we'd get to christmas and she would say she wanted to spend it alone with her kids.

She does work fairly long hours and is often tired and has said did I mind if she was tired and I said no. I put no pressure on her and am happy for us just to be together even if she just falls asleep on the sofa. We don't get that much time to be together so I look forward to those time when we are and get really disappointed when she crys off.

She finishes work at lunch times and she used to ask me round for coffee when I take a lunch break from work but she hasn't asked me round for a while now so I go round anyway and she is fine with me doing this but I have tended to feel if I didn't make the effort we would never see each other.

I do see things from her point of view in that she's either too tired or has other things that take priority but I can't help feeling they way I do. We have had a big bust up now and its finished with her saying I'm too needy and won't give her space. I have really made the effort not to be too demanding of her and I think maybe I am a bit needy but I'm also not sure it's entirely fair to be blown out so often. Once or twice fine but it's very regular.

I'm gutted its over and only a few hours ago she was telling me how much she loved me but I think loving someone should also include finding the time for that person. I can't help thinking if I had just kept my mouth shut and accepted it we would still be together but I wasn't happy.
 
krooton said:
Haha, I only met her last night, nothing is going to happen, there isn't any time to even see if anything could come of it as she is manic busy getting her life all sorted for the big move. :p

It's almost like I feel like opening with the line "Hi, you are gorgeous, fun and just my type, so what's your excuse/situation/baggage that is going to make this a no-go?" to anyone I am interested in, as there is always something that gets in the way.
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If you think there is something there then from experience, you should go for it. It took me 7 hours together to realise there was something with me and my now gf, another 15 hours together to make sure I wanted to see her again even though she lives across the pond, and 5 days together in Mexico for us to realise we are what we were both looking for and make it official, and ive booked my flight to go see her in NY next month.

No harm in asking her out before she goes back and see what happens. But I realise not everyone is like me so if you want to play it safe and not bother then fair enough! I just think every opportunity should be explored. I even went to Australia to see what happened with a potential girl, didnt work out as I wanted but it was worth going just to find out!
 
EddScott said:
Long post is long - sorry.

Every couple of months I seem to be here complaining about my relationship so I guess I'm due another post.

I've had the same ongoing issue with my GF arranging to meet up or making plans to do things together and then cancelling at the last minute.

Last weekend we took the kids (I have 2, she 3) to the local winter wonderland and everything was great until the trip home on the train when she went quiet on me and I could she had had enough of the kids. I had to nip back to mine then jumped back in the car to go to hers and she text saying she was too tired and would I not come back.

I know this sounds like a fair request but I asked her a couple of times if she wanted us to stay home and she said no its fine - maybe not wanting to say no to my face knowing I would be disappointed.

A couple of weeks back we arranged to take the kids to fireworks night and right before I was due to pick her up she said she didn't want to go. That weekend we said we would take the kids to cinema and the night before she said her kids had changed their mind but when I decided to go anyway her car was there. I didn't say anything.

Tonight we had agreed that she would come round and we would have food, watch a film and then tomorrow go to hers for dinner as she has present wrapping to do. She came round for coffee and said she would come back after going home - I knew she was going to cry off.

I get the text and I guess I should have just said OK but this just keeps happening and if I say anything she says I'm being childish and needy and she starts on this rant about not wanting to be with me 24/7.

Now I try to explain that I know we can't be together all the time because of our kids etc but what gets me is the constant making plans then changing her mind. We were supposed to be spending christmas together and I have always expected that we'd get to christmas and she would say she wanted to spend it alone with her kids.

She does work fairly long hours and is often tired and has said did I mind if she was tired and I said no. I put no pressure on her and am happy for us just to be together even if she just falls asleep on the sofa. We don't get that much time to be together so I look forward to those time when we are and get really disappointed when she crys off.

She finishes work at lunch times and she used to ask me round for coffee when I take a lunch break from work but she hasn't asked me round for a while now so I go round anyway and she is fine with me doing this but I have tended to feel if I didn't make the effort we would never see each other.

I do see things from her point of view in that she's either too tired or has other things that take priority but I can't help feeling they way I do. We have had a big bust up now and its finished with her saying I'm too needy and won't give her space. I have really made the effort not to be too demanding of her and I think maybe I am a bit needy but I'm also not sure it's entirely fair to be blown out so often. Once or twice fine but it's very regular.

I'm gutted its over and only a few hours ago she was telling me how much she loved me but I think loving someone should also include finding the time for that person. I can't help thinking if I had just kept my mouth shut and accepted it we would still be together but I wasn't happy.
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Long quote is long.

Sounds like you're better off mate. Just don't go crawling back to her / txting / ringing her. Will make you look weak and perhaps a little needy (I don't think you are but apparently age does!). I honestly think you're better off without her, it sounds like a terrible relationship. Find a nice girl who you can spend lots of time with and be happy. : )
 
adam98150 said:
Long quote is long.

Sounds like you're better off mate. Just don't go crawling back to her / txting / ringing her. Will make you look weak and perhaps a little needy (I don't think you are but apparently age does!). I honestly think you're better off without her, it sounds like a terrible relationship. Find a nice girl who you can spend lots of time with and be happy. : )
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Well I did text this morning saying I didn't want it to end which probably just reinforced her opinion of me so I've deleted her number to remove temptation. She'd blocked me on FB so thats one less job for me! But yes, time to move on I think.
 
Sounds to me like she has more going on in her head if she's having to disappear to cry every so often. I doubt there's much you can do mate, if anything you'll just become the easy thing to blame (e.g. "you're too needy" rather than her realising she's completely withdrawing)

Best just cut your losses for now.
 
EddScott said:
Well I did text this morning saying I didn't want it to end which probably just reinforced her opinion of me so I've deleted her number to remove temptation. She'd blocked me on FB so thats one less job for me! But yes, time to move on I think.
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Yes, it doesn't matter if she says she wants to be with you, if she then never wants to actually spend any time with you. There's no point being together if you aren't together.

This arranging things and then cancelling at the last minute is just a way for her to be in control, and now you've called her on it, she wants the final control of being able to end it.

You're better off out of it and finding someone who actually wants to be with you, not someone who's going to threaten to end it everytime you call her on her bad behaviour.
 
At least I know I have single friends looking out for me, had another mate mention that he'd spotted her online over the weekend.
FFS.
Oh well, will save myself some money on Christmas presents anyway!
 
Fuzz said:
I was going to keep quiet about this but **** it, I'm here replying to others so may as well add something possibly worthy of discussion.
The reason I was going to keep quiet about it is just the simple fact I don't know how much (if at all) she stalks me online....
So, back story.
Met her online (POF) back in August, been going out "exclusively" five or six weeks/dates later and solidly since then til now..
Had absolutely no worries over the relationship, she doesn't seem mental in any way, she's down to earth, sensible, on the level, doesn't get moody. She's motivated to do stuff and further herself, she's intelligent etc etc all swimmingly good. Has a couple of times said "I just want to take things steady" during intimate moments.. Intimate moments are plentiful :D
So anyway,
Got asked last week "is this your GF" and pointed to link on POF..
Yep, it was her.. thought to myself ah yea no big deal, she hadn't deleted her profile... (I have, a long time ago) We are both still "single" on FB as well, neither of us are that fussed about "announcing it to the world " in that way so to speak.
I was just about to reply "yea no big deal" when I spotted the green writing at the end of the profile.... "online today".
Quite a few different thoughts about that...
Do I trust the website to be accurate with this "online today" info...
Makes me feel a bit sad really that even if she isn't playing the field with me, that she must realise how the other person would feel even simply "chatting" with other people on a dating site.
I mean REALLY??
Why else would you even be on there...
Is she just going with the flow (with me) until something better comes along < This is what I'm thinking most plausible anyway.
I'm not even sure I can be bothered calling her out on it...... :-/
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may have made friends on there over the time shes been there and wants to keep in touch?
 
I'd just be honest with her, maybe she thinks it's okay as it doesn't seem that official yet even though you've said it is. If you bring it up she'll either take note and stop using it and start taking your relationship seriously or you'll find out not to bother wasting time and can move on.
 
krooton said:
Facebook, phone numbers? No need to be on a dating website unless you are actively dating/cheating. :p
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maybe they don't want them on Facebook/giving out their numbers and vis versa.

I mean i like you guys but i don't want you having my phone number :p

I was on a singers site while in a relationship cause i liked the forums and the chat, wast meeting though.


given more people have affairs through Facebook than dating sites its hardly an issue/.

if it really bothers you ask her why shes there and if she doesn't mind sticking "not meeting any more".
 
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