The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Bruce Lee was all about taking the established ideas as a starting point and then adapting and developing your own ideas, rather than blindly following established rules with no further thought.

So I guess your ex is trying to tell you to make up your own mind and choices, and not just blindly follow a set of rules.

However, I'd argue that by getting rid of toxic people, you are in fact doing what is best for you, and going against the conventions that you have to forgive people or put up with abuse because they are "family" or any of the other excuses used as to why the people who should love you the most treat you the worst, and think it's okay to do and that you have to put up with it.
 
Lumeycom said:
Hrm, the girl she text to say she was staying with has only worked with them for 3-4 months.

I just don't know if I'm being a paranoid android or not but its bugging me.
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Don't listen to people on here, I wouldn't consider it acceptable for a girl I'm in a serious relationship with to text me at 3:30am to tell me she's staying at someones house unless that person was family or I knew them very well, and also knew for a fact that's where they were. On the rare occassion my girlfriend goes on a night out she usually sends me 1 or 2 texts throughout the night and is home by 2am
 
cm1179 said:
not true. it's about life balance.

i'd say she was using it as a point to say just because she didn't delete her POF account, it didn't mean she would have pursued anything.
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Then why did she need a POF account and why did she need to "Check her messages" when the only messages she was going to get on there were going to be from single blokes looking to hook up in one way or another.
 
Fuzz said:
Then why did she need a POF account and why did she need to "Check her messages" when the only messages she was going to get on there were going to be from single blokes looking to hook up in one way or another.
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i don't know a confidence booster perhaps? looking not buying etc
 
Some girls just like the attention, and no matter how much they get from who they are with it's not enough.

In my first serious relationship when I was 18 I suspected something was up, so full of hormones and misplaced teenage rage I hacked (I say hacked, I guessed her security question) everything I could. Her MSN had about 100 different guys, messages on faceparty arranging to meet up random guys in hotels. She said she didn't do anything but either way it was just wrong. She said she liked the attention.
 
Janesy B said:
Some girls just like the attention, and no matter how much they get from who they are with it's not enough.
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indeed and will be that way until they get it out of their system. all depends if you're the person to get them over it but once it gets inside your head (the mistrust) it's ****ed.
 
cm1179 said:
indeed and will be that way until they get it out of their system. all depends if you're the person to get them over it but once it gets inside your head (the mistrust) it's ****ed.
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I went through that phase but at least I had the decency to stay single.
 
Janesy B said:
but either way it was just wrong.
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Exactly, it's just wrong in my eyes too.

Her whole side of the argument is the presumption by me that she was up to something and I should have given her chance to explain.
I waited a week for an explanation, I never got one
and I waited a week for her to delete her profile after she said she would, she never did that either.
She wanted to speak on the phone about serious stuff and not by text, fair enough, so we talked and she was making sarcastic jokes about being on there and meeting up with loads of guys... Where the **** does she get off trying to make light of it in that way knowing I'm really unhappy about it and am thinking of ending everything..
That pretty much boiled my **** if truth be known.

Get it out of her system.... She's 36 :-/ :(
 
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you're on the tail end of her past relationship experiences and she was pushing your buttons. either way, you were ****ed. you do the right thing by her (let her carry on) the mistrust consumes you, you do the right thing by you, it ends as she wont change.

you're better off out.
 
cm1179 said:
indeed and will be that way until they get it out of their system.
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Or until they notice they are fast approaching their best before date and very few people pay attention to them. Because they are no longer that young, slim 18 to 25 year old they once were.
 
Fuzz said:
Exactly, it's just wrong in my eyes too.

Her whole side of the argument is the presumption by me that she was up to something and I should have given her chance to explain.
I waited a week for an explanation, I never got one
and I waited a week for her to delete her profile after she said she would, she never did that either.
She wanted to speak on the phone about serious stuff and not by text, fair enough, so we talked and she was making sarcastic jokes about being on there and meeting up with loads of guys... Where the **** does she get off trying to make light of it in that way knowing I'm really unhappy about it and am thinking of ending everything..
That pretty much boiled my **** if truth be known.

Get it out of her system.... She's 36 :-/ :(
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It's a shame as it seemed things were going well, but sod her and her childish behaviour.
 
That was part of the reason for posting about it really.
Everything else was great, I was just in two minds what to do.
I can't have someone treating me like that though and she wouldn't budge on her position. :(

**** sake
 
Fuzz said:
That was part of the reason for posting about it really.
Everything else was great, I was just in two minds what to do.
I can't have someone treating me like that though and she wouldn't budge on her position. :(

**** sake
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I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be happy if you kept your POF profile just to pick up messages and chat to other women "for the attention". She was just on the lookout for the next guy.
 
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Definitely split up with her. She's making light of it because that summarises how much she really cares about the situation, the relationship and you.

She doesn't care and will likely find "Mr Right" some other time. Selfish really, because she's (probably subconsciously) keeping you on the hook until she does.
 
My ex has started texting me again :(

I thought it was just going to be the usual split up stuff but she texts every couple of days with different things. Nothing mean, just friendly stuff and we have a little joke or two.

She asks me if I'm ok to which of course I say I'm fine but I'm not and I can't be honest with her because to her it will just be more neediness on my part. I'm not used to relationships (I've not been dumped since school!) and I didn't know how to handle it when your GF flakes on you. I complained which in her eyes makes me needy, selfish and controlling. What I didn't realise until recently is that if your GF flakes there is only one thing to do - nothing. You can't make someone do something they don't want to. This is where I went wrong.

I just don't get why she continues to text - she misses me and wants to start again but she just isn't the type to ask. She just wants to make sure I'm ok because she has moved on and genuinely worried I haven't or she's bored and wants to text until someone else comes along (last one is a bit harsh and a little unlikely)
 
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EddScott said:
My ex has started texting me again :(
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Women hate to be the bad guy when a relationship ends/flounders. She's texting you because it makes her feel better, not because she's looking out for you. There's a reason everyone says you should sever all ties, because this will stop you moving on.

You should tell her you're not comfortable with her texting you because it brings back bad feelings, and then block her on everything. You have to let go of the past, or you will be stuck there.
 
EddScott said:
My ex has started texting me again :(

I thought it was just going to be the usual split up stuff but she texts every couple of days with different things. Nothing mean, just friendly stuff and we have a little joke or two.

She asks me if I'm ok to which of course I say I'm fine but I'm not and I can't be honest with her because to her it will just be more neediness on my part. I'm not used to relationships (I've not been dumped since school!) and I didn't know how to handle it when your GF flakes on you. I complained which in her eyes makes me needy, selfish and controlling. What I didn't realise until recently is that if your GF flakes there is only one thing to do - nothing. You can't make someone do something they don't want to. This is where I went wrong.

I just don't get why she continues to text - she misses me and wants to start again but she just isn't the type to ask. She just wants to make sure I'm ok because she has moved on and genuinely worried I haven't or she's bored and wants to text until someone else comes along (last one is a bit harsh and a little unlikely)
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It sounds like she either:
- enjoys you;
- is equally lost/lonely;
- or is playing some cruel mind games.

I'm not really the best person to give advice here though...



My situation is so complicated I wouldn't know where to start explaining it.
** Please don't quote this! **

It is basically a long-term affair that has been going on for a year. It started out as chatting on text/online, flirty chatting, then confiding emotionally and personally, and then moved on to spending time with each other and then ultimately 2 months ago, physical stuffs. It is nothing sordid or vindictive to spite her husband, but genuine kindness, love and soul-matey stuff. There are also no kids involved.

We both form such an intrinsic part of each other's life that we've survived through many difficulties and supported each other, but the problem is (obviously) that she is married. She goes through phases of being cut up with guilt, feeling like she is being denied activities, hobbies, independence, freedom, interests and friends and of course she has experienced things with me that she had not previously.
First thing we do in the day is chat (like 6am), we chat all day where we can, sometimes spend lunch together, then spend all night together (or chatting/texting if she can't escape from house/husband), and this has been the case for many months - we are both literally addicted to each other and can't stop thinking of each other.

It sounds cliché but we just clicked and hit it off brilliantly well from the beginning. Not sure what the future holds or where we are heading, but tensions are running very high at the moment as her spouse appears to be getting a bit suspicious. Ultimately, she has gone through the motions and said as much that she doesn't really love him and wants to be with me, but things are never that simple.

She refuses to make a decision at the moment as she is very emotional; but all I want is her to be happy whatever that takes - her friendship and affair with me is like a cry out for help, but the last step is the hardest for her. I said basically what her/our choices are:

- She leaves husband and starts living together with me.

- We continue as we are (but to what end?!)

- We stop our affair and become friends (risky as our love will always be there).

- We call it quits and she goes back to him. (we simply cut all comms no matter how hard)

The latter will involve her telling him about the affair (which I told her she needs to do if she wants a future with him, as relationships are built on trust and respect, which she has not shown him) partly because he will say we can't be in each other's lives (and she says she absolutely needs me in hers) and also because he will be ultimately betrayed and never trust her again, as she will be forever kow-towing to him after that which isn't a healthy existence.
She is afraid of making a decision as she feels like her heart will break if she doesn't have me in her life, yet she merely feels sorry for her husband (but doesn't feel heartbroken over him - she has said she wished he was having an affair, or that he would just leave so she didn't need to make a decision).

I've known many couples in similar positions and they split and went their respective ways and often, are still going very strong (10yrs+) despite the relationship starting with an affair. The longer it drags out though, the harder any decision will be for her, me and her husband.

** Please don't quote this! **
 
RedvGreen said:
My situation is so complicated I wouldn't know where to start explaining it.
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If she really loves you, she'll get a divorce and move on with you. She's not making any decisions, and you're all stuck in a terrible situation. If she doesn't leave the man she doesn't love and is cheating on, and try and make a new life with you, she will regret it for the rest of her life.

You really need to make her understand that she's also holding back your life too, and the one you could be having with her. If this isn't just some fantasy life where she actually enjoys the emotional rollercoaster of having an affair with her "soulmate" whilst sticking with the husband she "feels sorry for", then she needs to make a decision to move on. Affairs can be exciting and dangerous making a woman feel special, where real life is boring and dull.

You're going to have to force that decision, or you will be stuck in limbo too. Presumably you want more too, not just half a life with her sneaking about behind her husband's back, and you need to tell her that she has to leave her husband and start a new life with you, if she cares anything for you at all. Don't just say you'll wait for her decision, tell her she knows you're the better choice, and that she should pack her stuff and come and live with you. She needs to sort her **** out if she wants to be with you properly.

This is likely to all come out sooner or later and the whole thing will blow up in all your faces, and it's quite possible that everyone will lose out if you don't get ahead of the situation and make it go the way you want it to. If it ends badly she could feel so guilty that it ruins your chance of making a new relationship going forwards.
 
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