The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Taking the original advice now as I've decided that Girl B is ****ing crazy. I don't know what I was thinking as she really is off the scale. 
Girl B scrubbed and I'm spending much more time with girl A now who is really awesome. I just hope it pans out. Otherwise I'm buying shares in Kleenex.
Girl B scrubbed and I'm spending much more time with girl A now who is really awesome. I just hope it pans out. Otherwise I'm buying shares in Kleenex.
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Devastated.
Finally destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me with my own self destruction.
Found the girl who I could have spent the rest of my life with and ****ed it up after just one year. Realised my mistakes far too late and have never been so sorry or full of regret.
Heart broken.
Finally destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me with my own self destruction.
Found the girl who I could have spent the rest of my life with and ****ed it up after just one year. Realised my mistakes far too late and have never been so sorry or full of regret.
Heart broken.
So true.
I guess I still count as a kid at 27 then, I find it extremely useful for keeping up with friends and organising group things.
Soldato
- Joined
- 5 Feb 2006
- Posts
- 3,524
It happens man. give it time bla bla bla. take the time to get out of the self destruction thing. that's what im doing. otherwise it will never be right and rinse and repeat
Started going out with a friend ive known for 5 years. Been seeing her for just over a month. We spent a week at xmas together. Prior to this she is a bit excitable..and enthusiastic...she wants to move in with me, kids, wedding the lot.... unfortunately at the time i get caught up in this excitement and i am on board with wanting to move in together anyway. So we make plans for her moving down here by around summer and first moving in with me then we get a bigger place.
Anyway i tell her *today* that i want to slow things down and see how the relationship develops so basically not move in together yet (long distance unfortunately Aberdeen) and she goes absolutely ballistic....is very hurt. Granted my fault as if i wasnt 100% sure about moving in with someone then i should say. Phoning her back in an hour (she said she needs to calm down).
Would appreciate any advice please
Anyway i tell her *today* that i want to slow things down and see how the relationship develops so basically not move in together yet (long distance unfortunately Aberdeen) and she goes absolutely ballistic....is very hurt. Granted my fault as if i wasnt 100% sure about moving in with someone then i should say. Phoning her back in an hour (she said she needs to calm down).
Would appreciate any advice please
One thing that does strike me these days... When I used to spend a lot of my time up North, it was never this difficult. Night out, few drinks, a bit of tonsil hockey and that was it. Down in London it's like some flippin' mysterious game where no-one knows what the rules are. 
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Started going out with a friend ive known for 5 years. Been seeing her for just over a month. We spent a week at xmas together. Prior to this she is a bit excitable..and enthusiastic...she wants to move in with me, kids, wedding the lot.... unfortunately at the time i get caught up in this excitement and i am on board with wanting to move in together anyway. So we make plans for her moving down here by around summer and first moving in with me then we get a bigger place.
Anyway i tell her *today* that i want to slow things down and see how the relationship develops so basically not move in together yet (long distance unfortunately Aberdeen) and she goes absolutely ballistic....is very hurt. Granted my fault as if i wasnt 100% sure about moving in with someone then i should say. Phoning her back in an hour (she said she needs to calm down).
Would appreciate any advice please
Red flag. Sure you've known her for 5 years, but for her to blow up on a change of plans way ahead of the date. Has she been crushing on you for while or did some other LTR not work out and now she feels lonely?
Exactly, it is as good or as poor as the users.
Started going out with a friend ive known for 5 years. Been seeing her for just over a month. We spent a week at xmas together. Prior to this she is a bit excitable..and enthusiastic...she wants to move in with me, kids, wedding the lot.... unfortunately at the time i get caught up in this excitement and i am on board with wanting to move in together anyway. So we make plans for her moving down here by around summer and first moving in with me then we get a bigger place.
Anyway i tell her *today* that i want to slow things down and see how the relationship develops so basically not move in together yet (long distance unfortunately Aberdeen) and she goes absolutely ballistic....is very hurt. Granted my fault as if i wasnt 100% sure about moving in with someone then i should say. Phoning her back in an hour (she said she needs to calm down).
Would appreciate any advice please
She sounds... a tad crazy.
Not that it makes any difference to her reaction but how long have you been seeing each other?
She's probably been holding a torch for those 5 years, so the time they have officially been together is irrelevant in her mind.
She has had really bad relationships in the past which has made it difficult for her to trust men. Btw i made a play for her in the past but was knocked back (main reason she was a bit messed up emotionally by relationship she was in/getting out of at the time).
She had a bit of a turnaround on the phone and was much calmer...and actually seemed to go back on what she was saying and wanting to me (ie committed relationship, living together, kids etc) I think perhaps we got our wires crossed. But i will take each day as it comes. Long distance doesnt help me there you go.
Needing to 'calm down' after being asked to take things slowly when they weren't even planning to move in together in 6 months time? Drama Queen!
I just don't have the time for that ****, maybe that's why I'm single
We were sortof planning on moving in together in 6 months though. We were checking out areas and houses online. I shouldnt have gone along with this at the time (ie i should have known better) So her enthusiasm ran away with her i guess and i didnt help matters. I think its a bit early to be thinking of that. Mainly as i'm not entirely sure we are compatible (we are very very different) but i will take each day as it comes.
You're wise to slow down and take your time on making big leaps. You're also acknowledging and apologetic for your initial mistake.
Who knows, it could be the start of an amazing life time together. She might appreciate your sensibility too.
Who knows, it could be the start of an amazing life time together. She might appreciate your sensibility too.
Yes i'd hope so. Me saying this to her freaked her out and made her question the entire relationship unfortunately. When i think we have discussed things and things are ok i get a phonecall at 1.30am for 2 hours.
One of the main problems is that i treat relationships and friendships different. I was good friends with this woman for a number of years. I see this as a new relationship (albeit we have known each other as friends) she doesnt..she sees it more as a continuation. I care very much for her but i genuinely cant say right now that i will be living together with her in X months or will be married etc. For me that is way way too soon to be talking about. She says to me i'm in the testing phase or testing her to see if we work out whereas she apparently has already "tested" me (when we were friends) and this is how she was able to enter into the relationship (because of how good a friend i was). Dont know what will happen....but unfortunately i am a bit tougher in relationships than i am with friends...thats just how it is. If it isnt working out for me/or if i dont feel we are compatible then i will end it. And going on past evidence...she will be utterly devastated.
This is really complicated because i actually was interested in her years ago...i asked her out (a few times) and she wasn't interested at the time so we became friends and i was happy with that. I'm seeing her this weekend so we will just have to take things as they come though she has asked now...that we stop sex basically until marriage mainly because she feels more vulnerable and if it all goes pear-shaped will feel i have used her i think.
Sometimes i feel more like a therapist or a counsellor with her hrmm...
I've had that same chat a few times previously with girls and I usually ask them what they want from me - relationship or friendship? And following up on that, what sort of relationship or friendship... you can gauge from their responses what they think of you, and what they think of themselves.
She wants a life partner, a husband, kids possibly and eventually definitely marriage.
I said to her that i dont want to live with her right at this present moment as it was too fast and she went from that to thinking i am using her....she just seems to go to extremes very quickly and can be quite aggressive and angry towards me.
Is it odd that all 4 of the christmas presents she got for me were sortof couple gifts for us rather than me. e.g. clock with her and me photo in it, picture with lots of family quotes in it, a hanging metal art thing that says "And they lived happily ever after". She has said to me in the past (when we were friends before relationship) that i am like a rock for her that she can 100% rely on and call anytime etc.
Any woman that uses sex as a bargaining tool or form of control should raise a big red flag. Would you stick with any woman that refuses to have sex with you until she's got a marriage license?
She's trying to manipulate you by withholding sex, even if it's unconsciously. Or more likely she's doing it deliberately because that's the way she thinks she'll cajole you into agreeing with everything she wants, and how the relationship should go.
Now you've got to ask yourself, does she actually want to have sex with you for her own sake, or does she only do it because she wants to trap you into a marriage? Once you're married, then does she even want to have sex with you at all now she doesn't have a reason to? Do you want to be with someone (let alone married to someone) who only sees sex as a control or a way of getting what they want, instead of lusting after you because you're the one they want?
Sure, she can turn around and say she feels "vulnerable", you say you "feel manipulated" and that she "doesn't love you" because she "doesn't want you physically".
You need to seriously rethink this woman, because if it's long distance and you're not spending time together, do you really know her true face? Sure you know her as a friend, but as a partner, would you have guessed it would turn out like this?
On some level you know this, because you had the sense to put the brakes onto things when she was dragging you straight into house/marriage/kids even though you were secretly freaking out and it wasn't what you wanted.
If she can't understand how things are from your side of things, how it's all too much too soon, and by refusing to back down into a "wait and see how it goes" attitude, all she's doing is increasing the likelihood that you split up.
Denying sex and trying to play mind games at a time when you're already feeling out of control and with relationship doubts because of her lack of consideration for your emotional needs seems like a sure way to push you away.